Work Husband, Work Wife: Swimming in the Red Flag Zone

2 of my offspring are ocean lifeguards.  Lifeguarding involves hours and hours of boredom followed by 15 minutes of heart pumpin’ excitement.  They tell me about the risk-takers who jump in and ignore the red flag warning on days when the ocean has a strong undertow.  Usually, these risk-takers end up being the 15 minutes of excitement.

Recently, a term has surfaced in my realm, "Work Spouse."  According to wiki, it was coined in the 1930’s as 'Office Wife.’   In the past 25 years, the male to female employment ratio has come in balance.  Therefore, women and men are now peers in the workplace.   Hence, a resurgence of this term’s use.  

Wiki definition:  The Work Spouse is a co-worker of the opposite sex, with one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of marriage, such as confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of openness and honesty.  

An innocent term, right?  How can you not become friends with your co-workers?  But, is it just friends?

A  SINGLE person in a ‘work marriage’ with another SINGLE person, is a whole ‘nother ballgame.  From here on, I’m referring only to MARRIED people in the workplace.

Let's do some math.
     168 hours per week

     - minus 54 hours SLEEP per week

     - minus 50 hours WORK per week (this includes commute time/lunch)

     - minus 5 hours RUNNING ERRANDS/MISC. per week

     =equals 59 hours FAMILY/SPOUSE time per week

59 personal hours VS. 50 (or more) work hours.

Do you know that optimally, 15 hours per week should be spent in alone time with your spouse to achieve satisfactory emotional bonding and remain firmly so?  No, I’m not talking about 15 hours of sex, although sex is included.  It should be 15 hours of conversation, recreation, or joint projects without distraction of phone, tv, or other people.  (Willard F.Harley, His Needs, Her Needs)

"WHAT?  You crazy, Pearl.  I've got kids!  I barely get 15 hours of sleep a week!!!"

That's only a little over 2 hours per day reserved for your spouse.  More hours than that are spent on the job.  IF there happens to be a 'work spouse' relationship going on, it's possible the Work Spouse is getting far more hours than Thee Wife. 

To keep a pot boiling, it takes a constant heat source.  A pot loses its boiling point when the heat is removed.  Those hours of time spent with Thee Spouse are the heat that keeps the marital pot boiling.  It’s not always an easy assignment to complete.  But, nothing worth doing is easy.

On a basic level, we attach (or bond) to those we spend the most time with.  A co-worker also shares an employer.  So now, there is a common denominator and lots of time shared.

It’s healthy to define this new relationship within the work place.  It’s healthy for married people to be aware of its existence.  We are human and we are tempted.  If you have a work spouse, acknowledge it, especially to Thee Spouse (your legal one).  THEN, get a WORK DIVORCE!

Men and women should highly respect their co-workers and value their input on the job site.  But, I believe you are crossing a boundary to name the relationship as Work Wife or Work Husband.  This transforms the relationship from work platonic, to work emotional.

The only safe ‘work marriage’ is a homosexual one.  Women should bond with women at work and men should bond with men.  I will always agree with Harry.  In the movie, When Harry Met Sally, Harry is of the opinion men and women can’t truly be friends because of the sexual tension.  AND (in Pearl’s opinion) the needs of one gender craves to be met by the opposite gender, especially if needs are not being met within Thee Marriage.  These are not just the needs of sexual fulfillment, but the needs of admiration, conversation or affection, for example.

"Oh, Pearl, you are Victorian in your mind set."

Consider these facts from truthaboutdeception.com:

1.       Up to 60% of married individuals will engage in infidelity (Pearl says, “this number could be higher due to not wanting to admit it even in a blind survey!”). 

2.     53% of married Americans will divorce. 

3.     Emotional infidelity can inflict as much hurt as physical infidelity, if not more.

"Remember that the workplace is filled with temptation," Dr. J. Olds, clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, warned.  "People feel that 'temptation' is an old-fashioned word that has no application in modern life, but it really does.  People need to sort of recognize that they're not always in full control."

Thee Spouse should be at the receiving end of the majority of emotional interactions (discussion of struggles, sharing of joy/fears, etc.)  Emotional empathy and intimacy are what make a marriage successful.  If the primary deposit of emotional intimacy is outside of the marriage, you may be heading for Noe, Lovejoy & Bickers, Attorneys at Law, or at least a low satisfaction level in your marriage.  Low satisfaction levels can lead to temptation.

Practical tools:

Do Not compliment a co-worker of opposite sex on looks or clothes or figure.

Do Not share marital or personal struggles with a co-worker of the opposite sex.  Encourage sharing with same sex co-workers.  I encourage my husband, Mr. Muscle, to advise ladyfish co-workers to seek out other ladyfish.

Do Not trash talk your spouse to either gender.

Do brainstorm regarding work related issues with both gender co-workers.

Do PRAY that your marital and work relationships honor God.

Guard the heart of your marriage.  Avoid swimming in the Red Flag Zone.