|The schematic for male vs. female arousal|
For married ladies with or without children, probably a job, definitely a home to upkeep, groceries to stock and laundry to do, libido may be a little elusive.
I was on a scavenger hunt the last few years searching for my libido.
Why is this important? So what if it's gone? It's important because, the vast majority of married men say that sexual fulfillment is their top emotional need. I personally believe, going through the motions is not enough.
The most fulfilling sexual encounter for men is when their wives desire them and reach climax.
Why is sex so important to men? Men's brains are wired differently. (For a more scientific understanding of his 'wiring,' see former Pearl post WHY SEX?) It's just a fact. God made us that way. Many men would agree they need sex like they need air.
Don't you remember that yearning? You ached for his touch. Guys feel that a large percentage of the time (at least my guy says so). Could you imagine trying to focus when that feeling is pervasive? I believe it's important to help Mr. Muscle (a.k.a my husband) alleviate that ache. I'm the only one who's supposed to do it.
Song of Solomon 7:10, "I am my beloved's and his desire is towards me."
Paragraph to Husbands
To 75% of men, having low or no sex drive, is probably one of the most foreign concepts ever contemplated. Female libido is multi-faceted. Be patient and caring with your lady. DO discuss your feelings of desire calmly and as candidly as possible. Pressure will have the exact opposite effect of what you desire. Emotional connection is the key.
Now, let's discuss more of the female yearning....
Female sexual appetite waxes and wanes through a lifetime. Low libido usually parallels stressful times. Chronic low libido in women is know as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. This doesn't mean the inability to climax. It's the lack or even repulsion of sexual thoughts and desires. The discussion today, is for the waxing and waning of sexual desire. If you feel you lean into the HSDD category, please see your doctor. Check out this link to the mayo clinic for Female Sexual Dysfunction.
REASONS for Low Libido:
(DISCLAIMER #1: I am NOT a health professional. I'm just your girlfriend throwing some thoughts out there on what I've researched.)
1. Health Problems
Health problems that could affect libido; anemia, major diseases such as diabetes, hypothyroidism, depression/anxiety and many others. If you have low libido and you've not been feeling yourself (brain fog, weight gain, can't lose weight, hair loss, etc...) go see your doctor armed with a list of your ailments and questions for him/her. Other things to consider are: adrenal fatigue if you are chronically tired.
Certain prescription medications could be affecting your libido. Check the side of effects. You may be able to ask your doctor for an alternative prescription of a drug that accomplishes the same thing without the side effect.
3. Hormone Imbalance
Hormone imbalance does not happen to only women in menopause. (I was greatly encouraged by a British article that says there isn't necessarily a correlation between low libido and menopause.) Testosterone plays a major factor in female sex drive as well as male. However, there has to be a delicate balance between estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. The luteinizing hormone may also play a factor in low libido.
4. Emotional disconnect with your spouse.
Do your conversations revolve around a to-do list, or do you discuss hopes and fears of the day? If the majority of your conversations are of the to-do list variety, put Emotional Connection on your to-do list.
5. Poor Body Image/Self-Esteem
Flawless females are a dime a dozen on magazine covers. If I traveled with my air-brush artist, I'd be looking pretty awesome all the time, too.
I think this is self-explanatory. Stress and over-activity zap our energy and are huge libido squelchers.
Beautiful readers, I do not want to gloss over the fact that numbers of adults have been violated sexually at some point in their lives. We all need to be aware that this is a very real facet. I am not equipped to converse on that issue other than to say, if you have been abused and have not sought out counseling to heal, please do. I will glady be your prayer partner in this.
My Libido Rescue
The scavenger hunt for my libido was eventually abandoned. I went on a bona fide rescue mission. I started with prayer and a very open heart. Then I started going down the above check list.
My Hormone Imbalance
Night sweats, foggy brain, inconsistent cycles, all were clues that something was starting to misfire. I made an appointment with a menopause hormone specialist.
Personally, I did find a slight increase in libido when I started bio-identical hormone therapy. This therapy is prescribed by a medical professional who specializes in menopausal hormone therapy. She measured my hormonal levels and put them in balance. Disclaimer #2: Bio-identical hormones are not regulated by the FDA.
If you suspect hormone imbalance, go to your healthcare provider. I sought out a healthcare professional who was an advocate of bio-identicals. However, only you can determine what is best for you. Do research on traditional prescription hormones versus alternative bio-identical hormones. See My pro/con discussion of bio-identical hormones here: Menopausal Snake Oil?
The easiest cure for emotional disconnect is the present of presence. Time alone together is the key. Do something you both enjoy (conversation over a cup of coffee, game of boggle, fishing, it doesn't have to be sexual......but it can be). It doesn't have to involve a lot of talking.
We bought a deck of 'conversation cards' to prime the conversation pump at first. These cards have simple questions on them. This link, Conversation Starters, is another good list.
I am 64 inches tall. I was 56 inches around at 32 weeks of pregnancy with twins! Do you know what crepe paper looks like? Welcome to my lower abdomen. It will never be two-piece worthy again. I'm OK with that.
I wasn't OK with getting winded unloading the groceries from the car. I wasn't OK with my blood tests showing pre-diabetic conditions. I wasn't OK with having borderline high blood pressure and a sluggish thyroid. I wasn't OK with the 30 extra pounds. Gone were the feelings of being a powerful, vigorous body.
"Life doesn't come with a remote. You have to change yourself."
My cure for negative body image was exercise. I know, I know, it's a dirty 8 letter word. Chew on this for awhile, let it simmer in your brain. We'll explore exercise and sexual health later.
3 John 1:2, "Beloved, I pray that all might go well with you, that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul."
Mr. Muscle and I began to pray together, out loud. It was uncomfortable at first. With consistency, it didn't take long for it to be wonderful bonding time with our Lord and very comforting. It went a long way in helping us emotionally connect, too.
Psalm 56:8 "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in your bottle, are they not in your book?"
He counts our tears and preserves them. He is a kind and compassionate Lord. God cares about every detail of our lives. Since he does care about every aspect, when I go through low libido episodes, I pray about it. I have prayed for my libido to improve, for my husband's libido to dimish, and everything in between. The most effective prayer is when I pray over:
Philippians 4:6, "Be anxious about nothing. But, in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God." And boy, don't we all have so much to be thankful for???
I was finally on my way to re-claim my Sexy...... AND you can be on your way, too, beautiful friends!
My prayers are with you radiant readers, that your marriage can be a beacon for your children and others to see Christ shining through.
I agree with One Flesh Marriage that Sex is the Glue.