(Disclaimer: The target audience of this post is a wife
who has a lower sexual desire than her husband and the issues within the
marriage mainly stem from differing sexual expectations.)
Marriage
should be full of HOPE not harassment. A united and relaxed atmosphere helps the stress of a messy life.
Mr.
Muscle and I have experienced a season of unfulfilled marital sexual intimacy
and we’ve experienced a season with better sexual intimacy. (And for the record, I was the one holding us
back and I still don’t get it right all the time, but I try.)
There is a relaxed ambience with better sexual
intimacy. Problems still arise, but we
have cooler heads to work through them.
If the different aspects of marriage are a potpourri of scents, then
sexual intimacy is the pretty little dish holding the aromatic potpourri. I now understand sexual intimacy is
supportive.
The
most satisfying seasons of marriage are when both spouses are working on fulfilling
the other, even when the other’s need is not intuitive. I write about libido because for awhile, it
was counter-intuitive.
To Establish
Understanding
A
study conducted in 2001 at Case Western University states when looking at the
averaged numbers, “All evidence we have reviewed points toward the conclusion
that men desire sex more than women.”
Their conclusions lean toward a biological reason, but culture does play
a role.
Case
Western found higher testosterone equals higher sex drive. No studies were found by Case Western to link
higher testosterone to lower sex drive. (Testosterone is a libido regulator)
Male
sexual need may not be understood emotionally by the average wife. I sure didn’t get it. I knew academically that sexual need was more
important to him. The turning point was when
the academic evolved into a heart-understanding. His urgency was finally grasped as an
emotional essence, not just physical.
That’s
how God made the wonderful human male. See WhySex? for the brain chemistry of male
bonding through orgasm.
Could
this emotional essence play a role in why the pornography industry brings in
more revenue than the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball combined, according to
statistics at covenanteyes.com?
Some
would refute that not all men are created with the same urgency. I would agree. But, the vast majority of men do have this
urgency of need.
How
can a wife begin to understand this need as emotional and not just physical? See this post at focus on the family, Sex is an Emotional Need,
and
this one at Marriage Missions International, Husband’s Sexual Needs Man or Monster. The second one has a great paragraph
correlating female chocolate craving and male sex craving.
Discussion
for me is how I connect with Mr. Muscle. I like to probe his mind and heart and hear
his words. But, this was not easy for
him at first.
My heart-understanding of his urgent sexual need began to take shape when I realized how much I craved conversation and how disappointed I was when he wasn’t ‘in the mood’ to talk.
My heart-understanding of his urgent sexual need began to take shape when I realized how much I craved conversation and how disappointed I was when he wasn’t ‘in the mood’ to talk.
Could he be feeling the same kind of whole-being-rejection when I wasn’t ‘in the mood’ for sex?
Man
Paragraph
Chances are, guys, what your lovely ladyfish needs
most from you isn’t sexual. (She only
has about 1/8th the testosterone level you have.) Does she need more positive words and
discussion or non-sexual touch from you throughout the day, or more non-sexual playtime
together just the two of you?
When you seek out what fulfills her the most and work towards meeting it, that also enhances the ambience of the marriage. However, husbands, there are a percentage of women who have a higher drive. If you are the low-libido spouse, you may need to have an open-dialogue about expectations with your wife and how things can be healed.
When you seek out what fulfills her the most and work towards meeting it, that also enhances the ambience of the marriage. However, husbands, there are a percentage of women who have a higher drive. If you are the low-libido spouse, you may need to have an open-dialogue about expectations with your wife and how things can be healed.
“Trust
in the Lord with all your heart and lean not upon your own understanding,”
Proverbs 3:5.
Once I understood this concept (I too was the one that was lower drive/saying no spouse), I likened it to my hormonal/crazy/moody times of the month. I just expected him to understand and accept me as i was wired. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks...His need was, in large part, hormone driven as well. But, I thought he was just being sex crazed or overly sensitive, after all, I didn't "feel" like having sex that night. So why couldn't he just get over it? Once the Lord started working on my heart, my body followed suit. Now, he knows that I won't say no, unless I am sick. Usually he is so much more in tune with my moods that he'll know before he initiates that I am not feeling good.
ReplyDeleteOur home is so much calmer and we are more relaxed. We laugh more and play more. We have had very, very stressful events happen in our lives over the past 5 years or so. I don't like to think where we would have been now if I had continued being so selfish and acting like a secular wife, instead of a Godly one. I don't know that we would still be standing.
Thanks so much for doing what you are doing. Hopefully, many will gain encouragement and wisdom from your posts!
Hi Tammy! You described it so well, 'the Lord started working on your heart and your body followed suit.' I just want Christian marriages to all experience what you two have found....relaxed, laughter, play. What a comfort in this messy life. Thanks for being such an encouragement to me!
DeleteJust reading through some sections of your blog again....I saw this that you had written...."Mr. Muscle calls me his sexretary...." :) :) My husband calls me that as well, since we have our own small, home based business and I do the secretarial side of it :) Too funny!
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