Mystery32: Finding Hope in Grief

Because HOPE has filled my life and kept me from drowning, I wish this blog to give women hope through the grit of life.  Not just the grit of marriage troubles, but the true, not-talked-about, grit.

Grit makes a pearl.  Grit is an irritant to an oyster's flesh.  The oyster just covers it with layers and layers of beautiful luster.  We women can become beautiful pearls through the trials we endure.  IF we let GOD into our hearts through the trials.  God in our hearts will help us embrace the trial.  We aren't going to LIKE it.  But, the trials make us more beautiful in the long run.

I am linking today to a brave young woman who has shared her story of grit and how she has found HOPE.  Be encouraged by her candor as I have.

Mystery32:  Finding Hope

Christian and Sexy

Is it possible to be both?  That's a hard one to wrap the mind around, at least for me.

As Mr. Muscle and I learned to give each other more verbal praise in Phase 2 of our marriage, I often shook my head when he told me I was sexy or beautiful.  "No, I'm not.  But, you are sweet to say so."  

I wasn't being coy.  I just didn't believe my outer shell to be all that spectacular.  Then, one day, after this exchange, he looked at me in exasperation on the verge of anger, "Are you calling me a liar?  Don't you trust what I say?"  He was hurt that I didn't believe he thought I was beautiful.

I began to contemplate his words seriously and do research.

Believe that you are beautiful and alluring to your man, pretty ladyfish!!!  

"I stored up silver and gold for myself.  I gathered up treasures of kings and their kingdoms. I got some male and female singers.  I also got many women for myself.  Women delight the hearts of men,"  Ecclesiastes 2:8 (NIRV).*

And, once again, I ask WHY?  I know that men are visual, but WHY do men delight in women? 

Men get a tiny bit 'high' viewing a curvaceous figure.

The 'baby-got-back' reward

There is documented science.  The 'reward centers' in a male brain are triggered when a curvy woman is in view.  Research at the Georgia Gwinnett College, through MRI technology, measured activity in two pleasure centers of the male brain when an hourglass (smaller waist, larger hips) figure was in view.  The overall weight of the woman did not matter, it was just the waist-to-hip ratio.
The brain regions affected are:
1.  The orbital frontal cortex (the 'reward center')
2.  The nucleus accumbens (where the 'high' of drug/alcohol abuse resides)

Yep, there's proof.  You take his breath away and make his brain go all juicy, especially when he sees your naked body.  

Women wish their value to be based on inner beauty more than outer beauty.  But, men are wired to respond to outer beauty.  Isn't that just like our Lord, to fashion us as puzzle pieces, one needing the other?  Pearl's opinion.... Subconsciously, females need to be convinced of outer beauty and males need to be convinced of inner goodness.

Nurturing a beautiful spiritual heart is of utmost importance (IPeter 3:3-4).   God's word speaks of this for both sexes (Psalm 119:1-12).  This article is about knowing that it's OK to acknowledge your physical beauty.  Acknowledging physical beauty does not go against God's word.  It's when the pursuit of physical beauty trumps everything else, that there's a problem.  

As I began to trust that Mr. Muscle really did see me as beautiful, I became more free in my nakedness.  We leave the lights on.   I am not afraid to sleep sans nightie.  Once, I even walked through the house 'nekked.'  

I realized I had been afraid to believe Mr. Muscle about his perception of my beauty.  If I let myself be built up, there was a chance my heart could be crushed in the future.  I had to let go of the fear and trust Mr. Muscle with my heart and self-image.

Isn't this what we have to do with our faith in God?  We have to trust him with our fears, our inner-most vulnerability.  HE has never let me down.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to His purpose," (Romans 8:28).....In your life, hasn't He proved this over and over? 

It doesn't matter what shape a wife's figure is in.
Husbands delight in the female form.  A wife's female form is the only one a husband is supposed to see naked.  AND, as many other writers have pointed out, but let me re-iterate, your husband chose you!!!  You light his fire.  He adores your face, and what's below it.  He loves your heart and brain, too.  But, he can't SEE that.  

The years roll by and the effect takes a toll on both husband and wife.  There may be flawless females in the media at every turn.  He knows they are airbrushed.  He wants a real live curvaceous lovely with a heartbeat and more than that, he loves who you are!!!

God said, "It is good," Genesis 1:31.  We don't doubt Him.  Your naked form is good, ladyfish.  

Now, a strange thing started to happen..... 
As Mr. Muscle saw that I trusted him about my OUTER self.  He started trusting me with his INNER self.  He began to reveal more and more to me about the workings of his heart.  We were connecting emotionally and that filtered over into the boudoir....I was a Christian feeling Sexy.

Man Paragraph
Let me clarify, pressure to reveal nakedness will cause the opposite effect.  Praise and positive words are the keys to the kingdom.  But, the words have to be authentic, men.  There can be no ulterior motive.  "If I talk sweet maybe I'll get lucky," doesn't work!  Love your lady through genuine gentle verbal communication.  I'm willing to bet that if husbands become more open and honest about INNER self, wives will respond.  It doesn't happen overnight.  Gentlemen, pray with your wives that they can accept their OUTER beauty and you can share your INNER heart.

Practical Tools:
Beautiful ladyfish, let your heart accept praise and absorb the truth of it, savor it.  (Believe it and Receive it!!)

TRUST your Mister's words about your beauty and sexy-ness, don't downplay them.

SEXY is an attitude.  Look in the mirror (naked) and like what you see, my sisters.  If you don't like what you see PRACTICE liking what you see, transform your mind.  Better yet, look in the mirror with your husband (both naked)....after you both stop laughing, tell each other your best characteristics.

PRAY that the Lord will unveil your heart regarding your beauty to your husband.

Pearl's prayer for you, lovely reader:  "Lord, please reveal to the beautiful woman reading this the value of her OUTER and INNER beauty.  Give her peace of heart and mind.  Bless her marriage with the satisfaction of emotional, spiritual and physical union.  May her children view a marriage displaying the love and grace of Jesus.  In Jesus' Name I pray."





(An aside:  Who still has their 45 rpm of "The Streak" by Ray Stevens?)

For the flip side (male perspective) on beauty of the female form, please read:  The Most Beautiful Woman in the World at Songsix3.

To get the conversations started and maybe share a little of your inner selves, check out:   Do Not Disturb's 30-Day Communication Challenge

Also linked to The Alabastar Jar, These Five of Mine Plus Two (mama blog)


*The New International Reader's Version takes a slightly more erotic tone than other versions.  Page 81 of James L. Crenshaw's commentary on Ecclesiastes, in reviewing the original language that chapter 2 verse 8, states women are the supreme delight of man, and a more erotic translation is necessary.

LIPSTICK

This is just a quickie.  


As I take a break from tidying the house before Mr. Muscle returns from work (I don't want him to think I've been blogging all day!), I wanted to share my mother's life long secret to attractiveness.  

My mother circa 1947.  This photo taken, hand-colored and developed by my father.

At 4:15 p.m. each weekday, my mama would disappear from the kitchen for a few minutes.   She would return with her hair fluffed and her lips beautifully rouged.  Her favorite lipstick color was fuschia.  Occasionally, she went with a bright coral red.  She had a beautiful smile with straight white teeth.  The bright colors always enhanced her.  When dad came through the door at 4:30 p.m., a hot meal greeted him and a loving wife with a beautiful smile.


My sisters and I were reminded frequently of this marital advice as we entered late teens.  "Freshen up right before your husband returns home from work, girls. Always remember the LIPSTICK."


Mama would approve of this blog.  I was a lucky girl to have a candid mom, no topic was taboo.  We laughed a lot.  As she looks down from heaven, I think I'll go find my lipstick.

WHY SEX?

Free Digital Photo

I like to know, "Why?" 
And I lean toward the scientific side.


When my libido did a Houdini and disappeared, I questioned why a libido was necessary?  I went as far to question why sex was even necessary.  Mr. Muscle and I were done pro-creating by mutual agreement.  Sex was important to him, but was it necessary?  Why is it so important to most men?


Yes, the Bible counsels it to be so:

"...Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband.  In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.  Then come back together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  I say this as a concession, not as a command," 1Corinthians 2-6.

But, WHY??
Why is pornography such a lucrative business?  
Why do most men have this innate need?
"Their brains are wired differently," you may answer.
Yes, but HOW??  
I prayed the Lord would unveil his truths.  
Thus began my quest in understanding a few why's about SEX.
This is what I found:

Male/female brains share the same structure and chemicals.  However, male brains contain a different ratio of chemicals and different sizes of structure.  These differences in large part, explain the basic natures in men and women;  Why men like hunting, sports and military video games and why women nurture young and enjoy conversation.


For example:  The Corpus callosum connects the right and left hemispheres of the brain.  The corpus callosum helps the two hemispheres 'talk' with one another.  Women have 6 or 7 language centers in both hempisheres to process and verbalize.  The male Corpus callosum is 25% smaller than female.  He also only does language in the left hemisphere, in part because the smaller Corpus callosum doesn't communicate as effectively.


The amygdala is larger in men.  Part of the amygdala's function involves aggression.  The hippocampus is smaller in men.  Part of the hippocampus' function involves retaining new memories and their emotional responses.


It was in the CHEMICAL arena that I found my answers!!!


Male brains are bathed in LESS serotonin and oxytocin, calming and bonding chemicals.  Oxytocin is divine, drenching us in feelings of calm, happy and connected.  It is because of the lower oxytocin level that it takes a man longer to form emotional bonds.  


Women have 10 times more oxytocin bathing their brains than men.  For women, conversation is a key distributor of oxytocin.  If she talks out her troubles to a friend, her brain releases oxytocin.  


Guess when the level of oxytocin in men is equal to that of women????  At the time of male orgasm, oxytocin is released by the bucket fulls.  At the time of orgasm, our men feel complete bonding with us.  At the time of orgasm, their brains are happy as clams!!!


That's all I needed to know.  Libido and sex are important because that's how Mr. Muscle bonds with me.


This epiphany was another confirmation to me of how our Lord knows us and loves us.  He gives us mandates for our benefit.

"Praise the Lord, my soul, all my inmost being praise his holy name.  Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits.  Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desire with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's," Psalm 103:1-5.

Yes, having this biological understanding of sex made me a better person.  I became more empathetic to the aching need my husband, Mr. Muscle's, brain had for higher levels of oxytocin.  I held less disdain and became more empathetic to male sexual need (but not condoning acts outside of God's guidelines).  Sex is more than a physical union, there is a spiritual aspect.  But, it helped me immensely to understand the underlying physical processes.


This may all sound very clinical, but it screamed romance to me!  At the time my libido disappeared, I felt disconnected emotionally from Mr. Muscle.  He felt disconnected from me, too, because he was getting limited amounts of his 'oxytocin fix.'


Thus began my libido resuscitation.......


What has been your experience, if any, with low libido?   Ladyfish, how have you been able to reclaim your 'sexy?'




Connected with The Unveiled Wife: 6 Ways to Laugh More With your Husband

Connected with Sheila Gregoire's Wifey Wednesday:  Submission Doesn't Mean Lying Over and Taking It.

For more beautiful thoughts on the spiritual nature of our physical union, please read:
Do Not Disturb's, "Sex is.....Connection"
or
hotholyandhumorous', "Gospel in the bedroom"

And for futher reading on the very mysterious male inner workings, please read, 
What Could He Be Thinking, by Michael Gurian.

Miserable Marriage / Magical Marriage (Part 2)

So, yesterday I confessed that at the 15 year mark, Mr. Muscle and I had a miserable marriage.  I craftily left you hanging just as I was about to reveal the process of our transformation.  See Miserable Marriage/Magical Marriage (Part 1), if you missed it!  

Through prayer, the Dynamic Marriage course was brought to our lives.

This class changed our lives.  This is what I learned in a nutshell:

1. Mr. Muscle had different emotional needs than me.  Here I was trying to have deep conversations with him (my top emotional need), when he just wanted me to shut up and meet his top need of sexual fulfillment.  We realized that we needed to meet each other's top emotional needs, a reciprocal process.  According to Dr. Willard Harley in His Needs, Her Needs, the top 10 emotional needs of nearly every human on earth are:
• Affection
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Conversation
• Recreational Companionship
• Openness and Honesty
• Physical Attractiveness
• Financial Support
• Domestic Support
• Family Commitment
• Admiration
2. EVERY HUMAN is driven by their emotional needs.  If in deep enough crisis, even Christians, will go against every belief to meet these needs.
3. I was half of the problem.  It was gently revealed that each spouse is a factor in why the marriage has broken down.  This was a huge revelation to me.  I thought it was all his fault!  Our homework revealed what 'factors' each spouse brought to the brokenness.  By working on my side of things, my husband was inspired to work just as hard on his side of things.  I was inspired by my husband's willingness toward self-introspection.  Because, he was willing to dig deep, I was also willing to dig deep.  It was a wonderful, blessed cycle.  We had come to understand, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ," Ephesians 5:21.
4. Just below your personal relationship with Jesus Christ, Marriage takes top priority, period. 

Children are not top priority.  *GASP*  Yes, they need nurturing and care, which requires many hours if your children are young.  They need to be filled with Bible Knowledge and the Love of God "Fix these words of mine on your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up," Deut. 11:18-19.  

Children should never trump your connection with your mate.  Do not make the mistake of using one of your children as the sounding board your mate should be.  Do NOT fill your schedule with so much kid activity (dancing lessons, piano lessons, soccer practice, lacrosse games, outings, etc...) that you are too exhausted for your husband.  The marriage is LIFELONG and also needs continued nurturing.  

"Few Propositions have more empirical support in the social sciences than this one:  Compared to all other family forms, families headed by married biological parents are best for children,"  David Popenoe, Professor of Sociology, Rutgers University Center for Marriage and Families Insititute for American Values, Fact Sheet No. 2, February 2006.  

By just choosing to stay together, you are giving your children a leg up on mental health.  Inevitably, children grow up and leave the nest.  I admit, I was one of those mamas.  I let Mr. Muscle slip into 2nd place when the kids were little.  What I've come to realize is, when you choose to put your spouse as top priority, you are doing your children the BEST SERVICE.  You are mentoring successful marriage to them.  If you do your job properly, their marriages will last longer than their time in your home!

After this class, Mr. Muscle found a way to converse deeply and manage not to work so much.  My libido returned with a vengeance.  We smile a whole lot more.  We liberally give each other praise and dispense positive words.  Our children are witnesses to a marriage that sparks with love and electricity.

For 8 weeks, we practiced keeping emotions calm.  He shared with me difficult things and I didn’t lose it in a melt down.  We learned techniques of communication.  We have a common vocabulary.  If he mentions disrespectful judgement, I know exactly what he is talking about.  

We prayed together, often, and kept God as the foundation and focal point of our marriage and still do.  We brainstormed through our problematic issues and worked out agreed upon solutions.  We’ve given each other permission to hold one another accountable in our relationship.  

In just two months, our miserable marriage was transformed into something verging on magical.  We were so ecstatic with the outcome of this course, that we became facilitators to help others in their marital understanding.  Here in the OysterBed, I will probably refer to what I learned from this course and it's reference material often.  What's taught can be applied to all relationships, friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, not just your spouse.

Now, before you lose your lunch over the wonderfulness that, we, as a couple now are...let me clarify.  We still have conflictual moments.  It’s just that we no longer have futile arguments.  There are still heated moments but our debates come to conclusions that satisfy each party.  We return to what we learned in developing 'peace treaties.'  There is NO BLAMING.

The HOPE is, there are practical solutions available to HUGE marriage problems.  It takes work on both sides for magic to reappear.  Pray together for your solution to unveil itself.  Your solution may be different from ours.  Your desire to save or improve your marriage is in alignment with God's purpose.  God WILL lead you to a beautiful solution.  Of that, I am sure.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God:  That if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of him," 1John 5:14-15.

BOOKS I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:

HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS by Dr. Willard F. Harley

LOVE BUSTERS by Dr. Willard F. Harley

Miserable Marriage / Magical Marriage (PART 1)

A defining season involved the crescendo of crisis in my marriage to Mr. Muscle.  

Intimacy in marriage involves a deep and detailed understanding of your mate, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  It’s not a euphemism for sexual fulfillment in this article.  Intimacy involves more than physical union.  It’s knowing what your spouse is feeling emotionally and where they stand spiritually.

What if you try to effectively communicate to your husband the issues in the marriage and you feel like you continue to beat your head against the wall?  To his credit, he is trying to hear you.  He just doesn't get it.  That's where Mr. Muscle and I were after 15 years of marriage.  I was on the brink of a collapse within myself.

The chemistry we had shared that produced enormous exothermic (hott) situations had dwindled to tepid.  Frankly, he was desperate for sex.  But, I was desperate for conversation.  We were both desperate for each other’s admiration.  We had teenage children going amuck.  He had a burgeoning sex addiction.  I was self-medicating through alcohol and food.  I’d lost my G-spot.  He was miserable.  I was miserable.  We couldn’t figure out how to fix it. 

Jesus himself proclaimed in Matthew 5, that God desires us to stay married.  

      So, Mr. Muscle and I agreed upon 2 things:

1. We weren't going to give up and 
2. We didn't want to stay miserable.

That agreement was the beginning of Phase 2 of our life together.  It wasn’t an easy conversation.  I realize in retrospect how blessed we were.  Because, the most blessed couples are those that are BOTH committed to the vow, no matter how hurt they are. 

Even a wandering spouse can become re-committed, there is always HOPE.  God is a God of miracles and mysterious workings.  Even in the extreme cases, God can provide new life to a marriage.  Receive it and Believe it!

"God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!  He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, His Spirit deeply and gently within us," Ephesians 3:20 (The Message).

Here’s the successful mindset: YOU BOTH have to want to fix it, whatever the “it” of your marriage problems.  If you BOTH want to fix it, you BOTH have to take steps.  

I can’t tell you how many divorced ladyfish friends of mine have confided that after the papers were signed, they realized they had played as much a part in the demise of the marriage as the Mr.  Maybe they didn’t defile the marriage bed, but their actions were still wrong;   Omission, Nastiness, Angry Outbursts, Slander, etc.  But, this isn't about divorce.  This is about how to avoid divorce, especially when you both are on the same page (however miserable).

I proceeded to read every self-help marriage/sex book I could get my hands on.  Practical tools were scarcely talked about.  HOW do you clearly communication your problems to your husband so he understands and actually ‘gets it’?  HOW can he discuss issues with you without your overreaction? 

I love the Bible and every Word in it.  But, I scoffed at those who, in goodwill, threw around 1Cor 13 or Eph. 5:22-33, without giving practical advice.  I respected my husband and he professed to love me.  But, he didn't GET me and I didn’t GET him.  How did it come to this?  We had such passion in the beginning.

We both found counselors.  I am an advocate of therapy.  But, these counselors didn't offer the solutions we needed.

We prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more.  Then, God answered our prayer in the form of an 8-week course called Dynamic Marriage through familydynamics.  It was offered at our local church.  It is scripturally based.  But, the focus is psychological education.  It's very interactive, unlike any other marriage seminar or weekend we had attended.

Our lives will never be the same.  This is what I learned in a nutshell:    

Because life doesn't come with simple problems and simple answers, please come back tomorrow!!  I'll share, in the words of Paul Harvey (that dates me doesn't it?)......THE REST OF THE STORY (Part 2).

FEED MY SHEEP

by Starfish

I love to cook and spend a lot of time in the kitchen, preparing meals for my family.  There is one thing I always dread, however, and that is packing lunchboxes for my children.  I can't tell you exactly why I dislike this task.  But it's something I struggle with every school day.  Most likely, it's the combination of factors I have to take into consideration each time.  My kids are finicky eaters, so it's always a challenge to pack things that will appeal to them, as well as being nutritious and easy for them to eat at school.

It doesn't help that I generally do this before I even have my first cup of tea, while at the same time rushing to feed them breakfast, then making sure they're clean and dressed for school.  During these harried moments, on days when I'm feeling particularly uninspired, my mind wanders to thoughts of Jesus' mother, Mary.

As a mom, I imagine Mary faced some of the same issues that I do.  While she lived in a much different time and place than I do, I'm sure that she, too, wanted to be certain he would get sufficient nourishment when he wasn't by her side.  Perhaps she placed a few figs or some bread into his small hand before he left her side each day, then said a prayer, asking God to help provide for him.  It is then that I offer a prayer of my own, thanking God for His generosity and asking Him to fill their bodies, hearts and spirits with His love.

As parents, it is our duty to make sure our children are nourished through food, as well as through the Holy Spirit.  I find comfort in knowing that by teaching my children about God's Word, it will fill them, even when they get tired of strawberry jelly sandwiches. 

John 6:35 “I am the Bread of Life,” Jesus declared. “The one who comes to me will never go hungry; the one who believes in me will thirst no more.”

Read more about Starfish on the Guest Blogger Profile page.

On this resurrection day, let us remember the many blessings we have been bestowed.  But, MOST IMPORTANTLY, remember the HOPE that we have!  Our life doesn't end when our last breath is taken on this earth.  Our life begins when we take our last breath on this earth.  My most glorious hope is to hear my creator say, "Well done, good and faithful servant," (Matthew 25:23).


Blessings and Grace upon you all, beautiful readers!


Pearl