Understanding His Need

(Disclaimer:  The target audience of this post is a wife who has a lower sexual desire than her husband and the issues within the marriage mainly stem from differing sexual expectations.)

Marriage should be full of HOPE not harassment.  A united and relaxed atmosphere helps the stress of a messy life.  

Mr. Muscle and I have experienced a season of unfulfilled marital sexual intimacy and we’ve experienced a season with better sexual intimacy.  (And for the record, I was the one holding us back and I still don’t get it right all the time, but I try.)  

There is a relaxed ambience with better sexual intimacy.   Problems still arise, but we have cooler heads to work through them.  If the different aspects of marriage are a potpourri of scents, then sexual intimacy is the pretty little dish holding the aromatic potpourri.  I now understand sexual intimacy is supportive.

The most satisfying seasons of marriage are when both spouses are working on fulfilling the other, even when the other’s need is not intuitive.  I write about libido because for awhile, it was counter-intuitive.

To Establish Understanding

A study conducted in 2001 at Case Western University states when looking at the averaged numbers, “All evidence we have reviewed points toward the conclusion that men desire sex more than women.”  Their conclusions lean toward a biological reason, but culture does play a role. 

Case Western found higher testosterone equals higher sex drive.  No studies were found by Case Western to link higher testosterone to lower sex drive.  (Testosterone is a libido regulator)

Male sexual need may not be understood emotionally by the average wife.  I sure didn’t get it.  I knew academically that sexual need was more important to him.  The turning point was when the academic evolved into a heart-understanding.  His urgency was finally grasped as an emotional essence, not just physical.

That’s how God made the wonderful human male.  See WhySex?  for the brain chemistry of male bonding through orgasm.

Could this emotional essence play a role in why the pornography industry brings in more revenue than the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball combined, according to statistics at covenanteyes.com?  

Some would refute that not all men are created with the same urgency.  I would agree.  But, the vast majority of men do have this urgency of need. 

How can a wife begin to understand this need as emotional and not just physical?  See this post at focus on the family, Sex is an Emotional Need,   

and this one at Marriage Missions International, Husband’s Sexual Needs Man or Monster.   The second one has a great paragraph correlating female chocolate craving and male sex craving.  

Discussion for me is how I connect with Mr. Muscle.  I like to probe his mind and heart and hear his words.  But, this was not easy for him at first.  

My heart-understanding of his urgent sexual need began to take shape when I realized how much I craved conversation and how disappointed I was when he wasn’t ‘in the mood’ to talk.  

Could he be feeling the same kind of whole-being-rejection when I wasn’t ‘in the mood’ for sex?

Man Paragraph

Chances are, guys, what your lovely ladyfish needs most from you isn’t sexual.  (She only has about 1/8^th the testosterone level you have.)  Does she need more positive words and discussion or non-sexual touch from you throughout the day, or more non-sexual playtime together just the two of you?  

When you seek out what fulfills her  the most and work towards meeting it, that also enhances the ambience of the marriage.  However, husbands, there are a percentage of women who have a higher drive.  If you are the low-libido spouse, you may need to have an open-dialogue about expectations with your wife and how things can be healed.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not upon your own understanding,” Proverbs 3:5.

What I Wished I'd Known About Sex

After the bright and shining honeymoon phase, real life sets in.  Our real life included three kids in three years,10 moves in 10 years, and one-income.   We had several squalls and one major marital hurricane of trouble.   I have a new mindset regarding sexual intimacy after seeing it's spiritual power of healing intimacy, emotional and physical.

Here are some things I wished I'd known early on.  These points are for you to ponder and empower if your honeymoon is evolving into real life.

Please follow the rest of these thoughts over at Warrior Wives, "What I Wish I'd Known about Sex."

I'd like to extend my sincerest appreciation to Elizabeth Spence for allowing me to share this on Warrior Wives.  I pray it strengthens the marriages of her beautiful readers.

Scary Libido

Autumn. It's nearly here. The time of year going to amusement parks is most enjoyable.  The crisp, dryer air makes standing in line a pleasant experience rather than a wringing one from summer heat.

Roller Coaster Reflection

You may want to schedule a trip to the nearest roller coaster to check this fact:

A 2003 study conducted by Dr.’s Cindy Meston and Penny Frohlich, stated riding a roller coaster, frought with thrill, may cause the opposite sex to be more alluring.  They were testing Excitation Transfer Theory.  This was to weigh an, 

‘established fact that the sympathetic nervous system arousal does not terminate abruptly with the cessation of the eliciting conditions, but rather it declines relatively slowly resulting in a certain degree of arousal residue.’  

In other words, the excitement of the ride lasts a little while even after it’s over and could make you excited for the opposite sex.  The findings showed that generally after a roller coaster ride the opposite sex was found to be more alluring.

Some articles suggested that just scaring yourself with a chilling movie or an experience that is moderately intimidating (surfing) or flat-out frightening (skydiving), may also leave ‘arousal residue.’

But, if riding in the danger zone isn’t in the budget, you may consider wearing matching RED his/her t-shirts. 

According to Adam Pazda’s 2011 University of Rochester study, he asked 25 men to rank the attractiveness of women wearing different colored dresses.  ALL 25 men ranked the red clad lady between 1-1.5 points higher than the second choice (white). 

In a similar 2010 University of Rochester study, 288 women (and 25 men) were interviewed regarding male attractiveness wearing different colors.  The women found men in red to be ‘more sexually desirable.’

For females, low libido is usually more of a headgame than a physical game.  So, sometimes a little fun can spark a small fire in diminished desire.  Both of you consider wearing RED and heading out to the amusement park or maybe just the IMAX to watch a roller coaster ride.

If you liked this, you may enjoy these previous Pearl posts:

Smellin’Sexy

Sex(Cheaper than Plastic Surgery)

Oystersand Sauerkraut

Illuminated Sex

Don’t do it in the dark.

In previous Pearl post, Christian and Sexy, we briefly hit upon the fact that male brains release feel good chemicals when they see a female form.  Let’s take this a step further and contemplate what is happening in the male brain when he views his wife while making love.

According to Dr. Douglas Weiss, in his book Sex, God and Men, pg. 15, “Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases – a person, image or object – will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object.  I call it “Sex Glue.” ”

This is probably why pornography is a gazillion dollar industry.  Men view and quite possibly release while viewing sexually stimulating material.  Unwittingly, they are training their brains with a reward response for viewing pornography.  When what should be happening is that they train their brains to reward release only with their wives.

Could this also be a factor in the low-libido man?  He’s got a very willing wife down the hall in the bedroom, but it’s too hard to deal with a real person.  Not only that, but if a male is consistently viewing pornography and releasing, this becomes the most satisfying way to be sexual because of how he’s trained his brain.

The good news is the brain can be rehabilitated!!!  The husband absolutely has to take responsibility for the negative effects on the marriage by viewing pornography.  But, the wife can help him retrain his brain by allowing there to be illumination during the lovemaking session.

If this is a jarring thought, to have sex with the lights on, beautiful ladyfish, start out slow with a nice little lavender votive candle.  Then, work up to the big ol’ Yankee Candle full-size jars.  Then, leave the bathroom light on with the door ajar. Before you know it, you’ll be doing it with the curtains open in broad daylight, daring the neighbors to peek.

 

It is not just for his benefit.  It is spiritual to look into the eyes of your husband and lover.  It’s an emotional connection to the nth degree.  It helps me bond with Mr. Muscle in a way that I bond with no other.

Do I hear you say, “But, I don’t like how my body looks in the light?”  Take heart, my lovely friends.  Hear what else Dr. Doug Weiss has to say.

On pg. 113, of Sex, God and Men, it states “Most women don’t understand that a man attaches to his wife by looking at her.  If she understood this, she would know that her physical appearance doesn’t matter.  Once you consistently attach to her person relationally, her body will become desirable regardless of its proportions.”

One last word of caution, if you live in the state of Virginia, you may want to keep this on the down-low.  Apparently, it is illegal to have sex with the lights on and in any other position besides missionary.  I’d like to see the face of the cop that writes that ticket!

And God said, "Let there be light," Genesis 1:3.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for the marriage of this reader to be full of emotional, physical and spiritual connection.  Lord, may this marriage mentor your character of love, unity, tenderness and strength to all the children who witness it.  I pray joy and laughter in the marriage of this lovely reader.  And I pray tenacity and persistence.  Bless this marriage to uphold your design.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

I highly recommend the book Sex, God and Men.  It goes a long way in explaining the brain biology of men and their sexual nature, including help with sex addiction.

Please follow Pearl on facebook.

11 Things to Give You Courage about Sex and Menopause

Spring Break, 1976, bicentennial year and my parents decided we’d do a historical tour.  It was one week after my 10^th birthday and we were in Gettysburg, PA.  Just where you want to be when ‘you become a woman,’ far from home!!  My mother was going through menopause at the time.  My sister loves to remind me that after my first cycle completed, I told mom I was “ready for mini-pause.”  I had already had enough of this womanly stuff!

Mini-Pause is finally starting to arrive.

Technically, menopause is tied to a specific date.  It is the last day of flow of the very last cycle.  The process of menopause is when the ovaries say, “I quit!”  Thankfully, they usually give longer than a two week notice.  It’s gradual.  The ovaries discontinue producing estradiol, progesterone and testosterone.  Due to this hormone cessation, monthly female menses eventually discontinue completely.  This process can begin as early as age 35.  It is usually completed by mid-50. 

Menopause is a slow progression, nothing to be scared of.  Remember, before you had kids, looking at teenagers and thinking how could I ever parent a hormone monster?  Well, you don’t give birth to a teenager right off the bat.  You give birth to a precious little love-bug.  Each day is a tiny step towards their independence.  Once you arrive at the teen years, you’re moderately prepared.  So with your body, estrogen production doesn’t come to a screeching halt (unless you’ve had some kind of medical intervention).  The brakes are pumped a few times before coming to a complete stop.

Don’t be a victim of your hormones!  Here are 11 thoughts: 

1.      Things start drying out with less estrogen production.  My blemish prone face is now much better!  But, my eyes and vaginal region is not.  I moisten my eyes with drops.  Lubrication in the nether regions is very important now.  But, it’s been fun to try new lubricants.  See Pearl Post Buttery Love.

2.    You do not have to be a psycho unless you let yourself be.  Nothing irks me more than to hear someone excuse bad behavior because of menopause.  Take responsibility for your mental health.  If you find that you are more irritable or anxious talk with your doctor.

3.    The process of menopause does not make you a sexless creature.  Some women have diminished libido and others get ramped up.  IF you end up on the low end of libido, again, you don’t have to be a victim.  There are ways to treat low libido, mentally, physically and spiritually.  That’s a lot of what this blog focuses on.  I’m the low-libido poster child.  What has helped me includes; consistent frequency of sex (use it or lose it!), hormones, exercise and remaining emotionally connected with Mr. Muscle.

4.    Talk with your doctor as symptoms arise.    With age, health issues may arise.  Be your own advocate.  Many issues can involve your sex drive and sex life.  There’s usually several different ways to tackle a health issue.  If one seems to affect your sex life, TELL YOUR DOCTOR.  I specifically have a female ‘lady doctor’ so I won’t be embarrassed telling her intimate details.  If you’re not comfortable telling your current physician details about your sex drive or sex life, find a doctor you will be at ease with.  ASK your friends if they like their docs. Here’s a link to help you talk with your doctor about menopause.  

5.     Do your kegels! OFTEN….not only for your sex life to keep the vaginal walls ‘toned.’  But, for bladder control.  It can go out on you early.

6.    Sex really does get better with age.  I’m not the first one to say this!  Mechanically, we’ve both been reading brail for so long every bump, dash and exhale has meaning.  Emotionally, we are at ease.  For more than half of my life, we have laughed, cried, confessed, and conferred as we walked this faith journey.  Plus, the combination of my diminishing fertility and Mr. Muscle’s vasectomy helped with the anxiety of possible pregnancy.

7.     Sometimes I need a day or three to recuperate after sexual activity.  In addition to drying out, vaginal walls start to thin.  It’s not that the vaginal area hurts, it’s just tired.  The ‘tiredness’ got better when lubrication was increased.

8.    I have an achy hip-flexor and mild sciatica.   We avoid certain positions because it will aggravate my iliopsoas.  There will be aches and pains for you and him.  You’ll just need to experiment to find positions that aren’t painful.  Get creative, think outside of the box (or off of the bed).

9.    The rate of the male sexual slow-down depends on the male.  I hear about erections taking longer and sexual desire waning.  Mr. Muscle is nearing 50 (in a month), and the slow down has not been radical.

10.  Exercise.  I am a broken record when it comes to this.  But, there’s no way around it.  It’s helped me retain my ‘sexy.’  It helps soothe my aches and pains.  Plus, the mid-life fat cell is tenacious.  Mere calorie cutting won’t keep you svelte (or in my case svelte-ish) after about 40.  See "Get Physical," my guest post at The Alabaster Jar.

11.  Sleep can become a precious commodity.  This is the most disconcerting item for me at the moment.  I usually don't have a problem going to sleep.  It's that I can't sleep past 4:30 a.m.  Sometimes, I wake up even earlier and can't get back to sleep.  Sexual activity and exercise do help this.  But, it's very frustrating.  It reminds me of the tiny baby days of sleep deprivation.  I try natural methods, milk before bed seems to help me the most.  But, when I'm desperate it's Tylenol PM or Unisom.

Thank you, Sarah and Abraham!!  I am greatly encouraged that at ages 90 & 100, Sarah and Abraham were still enjoying the comfort of sexual relations.  She laughed when the Lord (appearing as three visitors) told Abraham she would conceive because she was far passed the age of fertility.  (Genesis 18 & 21)  There is hope for us, beautiful ladyfish!  We can enjoy sexual intimacy with our hubbies FAR PASSED the age of fertility.  Not long ago, I found out that a dear 70 year old friend had only recently found her clitoris.  So, it is NEVER too late to enjoy the pleasures of the God-created act of sexual intimacy.

"And Sarah said, 'God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh over me,'"  Genesis 21:6.

Praying for your laughter during years that are rumored to be fraught with negatives.  Don’t believe all you hear!  J

Disclaimer:  I have been on bio-identical progesterone cream and testosterone oil for about three years.  So, I am easing through the process.  This treatment was sought due to several factors; horrible night sweats, fatigue, weight gain with inability to lose it, and no libido.  I can’t say enough good about them, but that’s my personal opinion.  There are pros and cons to hormones, bio-identical or otherwise.  Read more about them here. 

See this mayo-clinic page regarding Symptoms of Peri-Menopause for a more complete listing.

Linking with Jolene at The Alabaster Jar: Marital Oneness Mondays.
Linking with Sheila Gregoire's tolovehonorandvacuum:  Wifey Wednesday.

OK, beautiful readers, what can you add about your peri-menopause experience and your sexual health?  What have I forgotten?

ANGER and LIBIDO (Pt. 2, Taming the Shark)

In Pearl’s previous post, Anger and Libido (Pt. 1 of Shark Week), we discussed how Angry Outbursts are explosions within the marriage relationship that can extinguish the fire of sexual desire.  Today we’ll discuss the origins of the shark called anger and how to tame it.

granthunter

A Shark Is Born?  Well, sometimes.  According to this Medical College of Georgia study, there seems to be a genetic link to how quickly a person responds with anger.  Another factor in anger expression is environment and what coping skills are taught (or not taught) by parents.  When mom/dad explode because they can’t find the tv remote (again!), or someone took their space in the church parking lot, how are the kids taught to handle frustration?

Whatever the origin, anger can be a consequence of feeling the unfairness of circumstances or unjust actions of others.  Angry Outbursts are a means for a person to control their environment and compensate for the fear and rejection they are experiencing subconsciously.

In “Taming the Shark” of anger, repression is not the key.  Anger has to be handled, not held in.  Repression and denial of anger can lead to depression.  There is a direct correlation between anger and depression.  There is an old expression that “depression is anger turned inward” (read about the correlation here).

In a hurting marriage, anger may be suffocating the overall relationship.  Manage anger to help heal.    Now of course, if anger is in response to a true Biblical sin, it is justified.  But, the explosion of retribution is not acceptable, especially if the offending spouse has owned up and asked for forgiveness.

Pulling the teeth of the shark is not a quick or easy process. Pulling shark teeth is a bit like pulling the log out of your own eye.  Most of the process of angry outburst reformation is self-introspection.

3 Ways to Tame Your Anger Explosions

Shark Identification

Put a name to your emotion.  All intense emotions are not anger.  Those who come from families that exhibit anger as a coping mechanism, may not have the ability to readily identify specific emotions as they arise. 

In Mr. Muscle’s childhood home, he witnessed happiness or anger/rage and nothing in between.  Anger reformation has included learning to name specific emotions when we feel them.  Not all intense or negative emotions have to come out as Angry Outbursts.  Over coffee in the morning, we discuss how we’ve been feeling.  We pick one emotion from a list (like this one). It’s been a great exercise for BOTH of us.

Mr. Muscle did not witness this emotional vocabulary in childhood.  Plus, with male brain biology, his emotional processing takes longer and isn’t as readily converted into language.  He has trained his brain to work through this problem.  Over time it’s gotten easier.

Mr. Muscle would also like to share, that he has been able to be overcome Angry Outbursts because he was determined to break the cycle for our sons.  He learned to harpoon the explosions before they were fully ignited.  Snagging the shark with the grappling hook before fully formed also takes practice.  Mr. Muscle encourages you, beautiful readers, that you CAN do this.  But, it will take time and diligence.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:5.

Humor

Melkatsa

“Often, mood is elevated just in the process of striving to find humor in difficult frustrating situations,” says the Anger Coach, Dr. Tony Fiore.  In trying to find humor, the self is not taken quite so seriously. Also, when moving from anger to humor you are going from lower brain function to higher brain function.  Diligently, eventually, finding something to laugh about will mean the only explosion you’ll have is from your lunch’s three-bean enchilada.

Exercise

Move people!  If you’ve read any of Pearl’s previous posts, you’ll know I’m an exercise advocate.  And I hate to sweat or ‘glisten’ as we southern girls say.  Once you experience exercise positive effects, you’ll understand.  Within 30 minutes of exercise a feel-good biochemical cocktail of endorphins (related in composition to morphine), morepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin (libido chemical) are released in your brain.  All these help to soothe anger, ease frustrations and nervous tension.  At the very least, 30 minutes of vigorous house cleaning or lawn mowing will count!

Interestingly enough, "Leave the Pillow Alone" shows that punching a pillow isn’t an effective anger management tool. 

Here’s where the HOPE comes in.

The Lord will supply you with the power you need to overcome Angry Outbursts.  If you deal with Angry Outbursts, release any guilt and shame.  NONE of us are perfect.  Every morning, God gives us each the gift of a do-over.

Nahum 1:3, “The Lord is slow to anger, but great in power…”Galatians 5:22-23, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control…”

PRAY over these verses.  Surrender to Him for help to heal, restore and renew. Let the gifts of the Holy Spirit be fully realized in your heart and in your demeanor.  If you truly desire God to help you with this, HE WILL.

"Jesus replied, if anyone love me, he will obey my teaching.  My Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him," John 14:23.

KatkoOota

Two more great posts on anger (not necessarily Christian in foundation):

Manage Anger Daily: Heal Your Angry Brain

American Psychological Association on Anger

ANGER and LIBIDO (Pt.1 of Shark Week)

“You never know what goes on behind closed doors,” was a favorite phrase of my mother.  As seemingly healthy marriages drop like dead flies around us, I know this is oh-so-true.

I’ll tell ya’ what’s going on behind some of those doors:  Explosions of Anger towards one’s mate.  These explosions can include verbal humiliation, degradation, foul language and, Lord forbid, even physical outlash.  Dr. Willard F. Harley calls these episodes, “Angry Outbursts.”  Angry outbursts are more than a consequence of conditions that aren’t in our favor.  They are a form of emotional abuse.  Angry outbursts are controlling factors, controlling through bullying.

Anger starts as a defensive emotion in the portion of our brain known as the amygdala.  Anger prepares us or guards us from attack (usually verbal/emotional attack, occasionally physical in today’s world).  The amygdale is concerned with emotional regulation.  Two almond-shaped amygdala (one in each hemisphere) respond to lurking threats.  This happens so elegantly that our body reacts and readies itself before the thinking part of the brain, the cortex, can kick-in.  Anger sometimes reacts before a situation is consciously evaluated to determine whether or not a response is even needed.

This is not to say that anger cannot be controlled.  It absolutely can be controlled. 

Numbers 14:18, “The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion.” 

Psalm 103:8,  “The Lord is compassionate and gracious.  Slow to anger, abounding in love.” 

Nehemiah 9:17,  “…But you are a forgiving God,  gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.  Therefore, you did not desert them.”

The key to the above listed verses…ABOUND IN LOVE.  Angry outbursts are the opposite of exhibiting love, they are selfish and meant to be cruel.

The Lord our creator understands anger.  Even Jesus is recorded as having righteous anger (Mk 11:15-18, Matt 21:12-13, John 2:13-22).  His motive was the concern for the purity of God’s temple.  Instances of righteous anger within marriage are few.

Volatile anger is like a shark.  It’s unpredictable.  It doesn’t always lash out.  But, you never know when a heart-disfiguring bite will occur.

The Libido/Anger Cycle:  Low libido in Spouse A may cause sexual frustration and anger in Spouse B.  Anger from Spouse B may cause low libido and anger in Spouse A.  Angry Outbursts will do NOTHING to help this situation; they will only magnify the problem.  If there are libido issues in your marriage and angry outbursts are present, connect the dots.

When angry outbursts are extinguished permanently, trust is rebuilt. 

Being able to have open, retribution-free discussions will increase desire to reconnect and desire to understand.  I promise you, it will go a long way toward firing up the sexual desire.

On Thursday’s post, we’ll train that shark not to bite through practical tools. Please see Taming the Shark, Part 2.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for hurting marriages that are attacked by the shark of anger.  I pray for healing.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to work within those who have to grapple with inner anger that explodes.  I pray for healing of past wounds.  May the hearts of those within hurting marriages learn to be slow to anger and abound in love.   I pray a measure of JOY for hurting marriages.  HOPE comes through tiny moments of joy.  Give hurting marriages HOPE and help them see how YOU can help them heal, dear gracious Father.  In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”

Information from :  Dr. Jenny Brockis

Information from:   Marriage Builders:  Angry Outbursts

Linking with The Alabaster Jar:  Marital Oneness Monday

Linking with tolovehonorandvacuum:  Wifey Wednesday
Linking with The Unveiled Wife

7 Symptoms Your 'Sexy' Is Returning

Sexy is my all-encompassing word for desire and sensual nature.  I have a heart for beautiful wives who wish to strengthen their marriages through sexual intimacy.  Several past Pearl posts encompass how to inspire libido (Sex and the Beach, Christian and Sexy, Oysters and Sauerkraut, Sole Secret to Libido, among others).  Now, here's what to look for when the remedies start to ignite.

Counting down from 8, here are symptoms that your 'sexy' is returning:

7.  There's been a strange (nostalgic?) 'alive-ness' in the nether regions that inspire you to google 'spicy bedroom maneuvers.'

6.  Hearing Prince sing "Little Red Corvette" in the Supermarket, stops you dead in the aisle.

5.  At the store, strolling through the card section, you find the stupid 'beefcake' birthday cards pique your interest (and it isn't even anyone's birthday).

4.  Doing laundry, you linger over your hubby's sweaty t-shirt....smells like him and you kinda like it.

3. On Sunday morning, you contemplate wearing the leopard print thong that your sister-in-law gave you as a birthday joke.

2.  Sunday morning sermon distraction leads you to...

Song of Solomon 5:2-6, "I slept, but my heart was awake. Listen! my beloved is knocking. "Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one; for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night."  I had put off my garment; how could I put it on again? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?  My beloved thrust his hand into the opening, and my inmost being yearned for him.  I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, upon the handles of the bolt.  I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and was gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him, but did not find him; I called him, but he gave no answer."

1.  You actually WEAR the leopard print birthday thong and hubby gets a BIG surprise when you both change out of church clothes in the afternoon.....

What have I forgotten?  What have you found to be a sweet little hint that your sexy is returning?

2 Players, No Substitutions

Pearl fits into a girl stereotype.  I’m not that into sports.  Participating in the ceremonial pursuit of a little ball through space is not appealing, even if points are earned.  Fun is more important than points. 

And since corn-hole isn’t an Olympic event, yet (to Mr. Muscle’s chagrin), I can only find Beach Volleyball or Badminton interesting.  Badminton was favorite family game played during get-togethers.  I still have to giggle when anybody asks, “Have you seen my shuttlecock?”

Another game I’ve been playing all my life is volleyball.  It was a favorite of our gym teacher in middle school.  We wore our ‘gym suits’ and formed squads.  I hated the stinging feeling of a good set, but it was satisfying emotionally. 

When Beach Volleyball was introduced as an Olympic Event in Atlanta in 1996, I found my niche.  Not only is it a game I already knew the rules to, but it’s location is my favorite setting, THE BEACH!  Plus, the atmosphere at the Beach Volleyball sandpit is like a party!  No dignified whispering is needed.  The music inspires fun.  Everyone is your friend, not much team rivalry. 

There are two facts I learned recently and find intriguing.

FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1)     2 Players, No Substitutions:  The Beach Volleyball team only has 2 players.  During the course of a match, there are no substitutions.  If a team mate gets hurt and unable to continue, this is called an abnormal substitution and is allowed.  However if no substitute is available, the player is given a 5 minute injury time out.

This would inspire protection of each other from bodily harm.  This would inspire an ultimate commitment of team mates during the match.  This would inspire a mindset of working to your best and encouraging the best out of your partner.

Hmm….kind of like marriage?  Committed for life.  Knowing that as a pair our team should encourage each other’s best performance.  Our words should not critically find fault, but coax out the best.  We are each other’s advocates in this world during our life-long match.

How can this relate to Libido Monday?  Well, dear ladies and gents, when we are secure in our knowledge of who we are spending the rest of our lives with, there is more ownership of every aspect, good/bad/ugly. 

Would we rather be living with our advocates than our adversaries?  Don’t trash talk your spouse.  Always ‘have their back.’  If a deadly serve is coming straight for your mate, deflect it!  This ‘team mentality’ isn’t always intuitive.  Discuss this with your mate.  Let’s show a united front to the world and the kids.  Which leads to the next intriguing fact.

2.  the Husband and Wife:  This is the name of a tactic where the serve is sent straight down the middle of the pair, hoping to cause indecision. 

Are you and your mate always on the same page?  Not here.  I find that we are more ‘indecisive’ when we haven’t spent enough time together, talking and having fun.  Carve out 15 minutes a day to look your spouse in the eye and have a little conversation, not just about picking up Joey’s prescription.  But, ‘How are you feeling today?’  And guys, don’t just brush this off.  Pause, and phrase your words so that you are allowing her to hear your heart.

Feeling good that we spend enough time with our teammate in ‘practice’ of conversation and feeling good that we are both protected from outside forces (as advocates), will enhance the romance in the bedroom.  If low libido is an issue, having positive energy flowing will help her decide to say yes.

Practical Tools:

1.       Catch those critical words and dump them.  Coax the best out of your spouse with inspiring words, even if and especially if you aren’t thrilled with them at the moment. 

2.    Sole-Mate Time:  I’m a broken record when it comes to this.  Time alone, looking each other in the eye, having at least a 15 minute adult conversation per day is essential.

3.    Put the Party back in your marriage…inspired by the casual vibe of the beach volleyball court, put away your dignified whispers and rock out to some fun!

“But, what comes out of the mouth, proceeds from the heart….”Matthew 15:18.

A small side-note:  For the 2o12 games, the International Volleyball Federation allowed Female Beach Volleyball teams to cover more of their bodies with clothing due to the colder weather of London.

Linking with The Alabaster Jar:  Marital Oneness Monday
Linking with tolovehonorandvacuum: Wifey Wednesday

10 Confessions of a Sex-Renovated Wife

I stand with a wonderful cluster of like-minded marriage bloggers in promoting godly marriages (Christian Marriage Bloggers Association.)  I share their desire to empower marriages by reshaping prudish attitudes.  Sexual intimacy is only one facet of a thriving marriage but it has too long been swept under the Christian community’s taboo rug.  

See the listing at the bottom for those who initiated and inspired this posting and the links to their confessions. 

1.           I’ve always loved the many wonderful sensations of sex even if the desire temporarily waned.  This sounds ironic doesn’t it?  It was remembering how good it felt that partly motivated me to renovate my libido.

2.         Music is an important element to our trysts.   The playlist includes, Bad Company (Feel Like Makin’ Love), Ella Fitzgerald/Louis Armstrong, Bon Jovi, Star Wars Soundtrack.  (Note to self:  Princess Leia/Han Solo costumes and Star Wars soundtrack may be fun.) 

3.          I love to shock Mr. Muscle.  Even though it only happens once in a blue moon.  The last occasion involved a wine tasting in a public venue.  As he took a sip of Spain’s best, I whispered in his ear, “I’m not wearing......”  He nearly showered the whole establishment with red wine droplets.  We downed the rest of the wine samples like shots.

4.         Quickies are OK.  Showering with the husband is superfun.  Hair conditioner is versatile.

5.          Exercise helps put me in the mood (a welcome little side effect).  Sex and low libido have both inspired me to honor God by taking care of his temple.  I feel much better about myself (which may be part of the reason it makes me feel sexier) and want to ‘flaunt’ it in front of Mr. Muscle.  (Disclaimer:  This sex kitten is still a middle-aged mom who is good friends with Ms. Clairol and has twin-skin stretch marks, don’t go thinkin’ I’m anything but average.)

6.         We have a sex schedule.  It's not down to the minute.  With my libido renovation, it helps to know when we may engage and that way I’m mentally prepped.  “The peacock crows in the early afternoon” at Pearl’s house.

7.          I wish I’d made sex more of a priority when the kids were younger.  We would have made a good team, better.  I truly admire those who have young kids and continue to rock it in the bedroom by being intentional about that part of their union.

8.         I hope to raise the bar for the next generation of marriages through a healthy view of marital sex.  One time I walked out of the bedroom and was kind of cheerful (OK, maybe VERY cheerful).  My kids said to their friend, “Yeah, they did it.”  It was just matter of fact.  There wasn’t even any giggling.  They understand this is an important part of marriage.  They also have been briefed on the negative effects of pornography and adultery from us and close friends, using both personal and biblical accounts.

9.         Not a member of the mile-high club, but travel sex rocks!  Getting away from the normal routine can slap the fanny of your adventurous spirit.

10.     The spiritual nature of our sex life mystifies and comforts me.  Thank you, dear Heavenly Father, for this aspect of marriage.  There is an unseen connection that continues to link us after the literal one-flesh union.  We both, being brought to God through Jesus Christ, are thrilled that He is the head of our union and has given us this gift.

“If God is for us, who can be against us?”  Romans 8:31.

 

Kudos to, Julie Sibert (intimacy for marriage), initiator of this insightful confession-fest

J at hotholyandhumorous who spurred us on.

Lori at the Generous Wife.

Kate at One Flesh Marriage (and you can find Brad, making confessions for a husband...)

Megan at Do Not Disturb (and you can find Justin, making confessions for a husband...)

Hannah at becominghiseve.

Paul at The Generous Husband.  He has a comprehensive compilation of all the CMBA Confessions.  Thanks, Paul!