Let's enjoy a swim in the Tidepool and share laughs and tears about how these struggles have shaped

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Resolving to Improve your Libido?


New Year’s resolutions usually reach dissolution by the time my birthday rolls around, March 30, (FYI for those of you who would like to send gifts *wink*).  Mystery32 made this apparent to me.

That’s not to say everyone with a resolution will fail.  But, I think we are setting ourselves up for failure when unrealistic resolutions are made.

The only resolution I can remember following through for 12 whole months was back in the mid-90s.  I was taking classes to try to finish my degree and was in a very cerebral mindset.  As a science-oriented gal, my studies didn’t allow stories to fill the hole in my heart where words were needed.  Instead of culling through pulp fiction and empty sordid romance novels, I decided my outside reading would only involve classics.

I read Shakespeare, Dickens, Bronte, Stoker, Shelley, Poe, and my favorite, Fenimore Cooper.  I often had Cliffnotes sitting close to help me decipher the syntax.  I didn’t even like some of the books.

Correlations between my ‘Classic Literature Resolution’ and a ‘Libido Improvement Resolution.’

Tiny resolutions are best.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to read more than 12 books that year.  I had three small kids.  I still completed the resolution by reading 1/2 a book a month.  It was not a big commitment, yet I felt a great amount of satisfaction in success.

Resolving that you will make the decision to improve your sex life is tiny but HUGE.  A tiny, action oriented follow-through is needed.  What you do first should be a small, achievable step.
Physical Check-up?
Have a nice conversation with your husband about your resolution?
Find a friend you can confide in with similar challenges and goals?
Follow OysterBed7 or my sister blog, Forgiven Wife, for new thoughts on improving your marriage bed.

You don’t have to like it to continue pursuing your new habit. 
When I realized I didn’t like one of my book choices, I was usually too far into the book to quit.  Besides, the follow-through is where you achieve the resolution.

OK, I know this doesn’t sound uplifting and encouraging.  Husbands are especially not going to like the sounds of ‘even if you don’t like sex, follow through with it.’  Husbands want wives fully engaged and participatory.

Although fully engaged and participatory is the goal, we have to start somewhere.  Allow yourself to say, ‘Hey, I don’t particularly like sex at the moment, but because I’m committed to my husband and love him, I know that sex is an important part of marriage.  I’m going to follow through even when I’m not really into it.’

What’s been proven is the more you have sex, the more you like sex.

Realizing this can happen will make it easier to stick with the goal.

Reconnect with why you made the resolution in the first place.
I wanted to broaden my exposure to what was commonly held up as excellence in literature.  Broadening my exposure didn’t mean I had to like the book.

Each time you have sex with your husband, you are reconnecting with why you made the resolution in the first place!  You made the resolution to have a better connection with your husband and to honor God’s design of marriage.

Find an Element of Fun
Reading through a book I liked was easy and fun.  However, I had to look for fun in the books I didn’t like.

I was reminded of my favorite Childhood Movie, “Mary Poppins,”
For ev’ry job that must be done,
There is an element of fun.
You find the fun and snap!
The job’s a game.

Make sex a game.  How do you do this?  With a light heart. 

How do you reinvent your sexual attitude to feel fun when sex has seemed a chore for such a long time?
With PRAYER. 
By DECISION.  Squelch the negatives and fill your mind with positives.  Instead of, “I don’t have time for this,”  remind yourself,  “I have time for this because I am firming up the foundation of my marriage, and besides I might experience a drenching orgasm.”

Do not resist the transformation.  Allow sex to evolve from a, ‘job that must be done,’ to a, ‘job that when well done, curls your toes.’  J

Which leads me to:
Make your resolutions compatible with your personality.
For me to say, ‘I’m going to be more spontaneous this year,’ would set me up for failure.  That’s too broad and way out of line with my personality.  Now, if I say, ‘I’m going to plan some time to be more spontaneous,’ that would work!

Part of my libido renovation involved planned sexual encounters.  I had all day to prepare mentally and physically (kegels started the blood flowing). 

I have heard from ladies who have a very hard time with this.  If knowing a sexual encounter is planned and sets you into true panic attack mode, I highly encourage you to seek professional counseling.

New Seasons, Fresh Starts, Do-Overs are what I’ve come to relish as true helps in self and marriage improvement.

That’s why it’s been since the mid-90s since I’ve completed 365 days of resolution.  I found that I need to jump in when the time is right.  New seasons present themselves.  Grab on to them when they do.  You don’t have to wait for the next January 1 to start improving.

If you happen to fall off the sex drive transformation wagon, give yourself a mulligan, a free do-over.  Just recommit.

What has helped you keep your resolution for better sexual connection with your husband?

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5 comments :

  1. I heard on Dr. Oz that women think about sex 9 times a day, while men think about it 19 times a day. I am begining to wonder if it is only because men, for the most part, have a higer sex drive or it is because of the ways men are receptive to sexual stimuli. Not only that, but most of the sexual content floating around in the ether is aimed at men. It is far easier to be excited by visual stimulus than the written or spoken word. Particularly in the warmer climes and seasons, there is ample female flesh exposed for perusal. Whether by design or circumstance, meaing even if it is not intended to be stimulativet, IT IS.

    Counter this with the female modality. Though not completely immune, or even desirous of being so, to visual stimulus, those things which stimulate women are not as abundant or as passively effective as those which stimulate a male. Unlike looking (ogling), there is much effort involved in reading erotica. For that stimulus the woman has to find the right material, the time, the place and even the want to. All I have to do is "look."

    So what's the point? I wonder if men are being overstimulated while women are being understimulatd and in reality, our desire for sex is very close to equal. If we could remove the psychological impediments from wormen's lives (stop all the worrying about dirt, kids, meals, body-image, being "good" and otherwise keeping the trains running on tme) and decrease the media's overstimulation of the male brain, would we find ourselves desiring to partake for the "right" reasons and more often by consesus than fiat of submission as a couple?

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    1. I would love to see a study on the your paragraph. I believe it could be proven. But, I'm pretty sure as long as I'm alive we are going to deal with the outside influences on sex drive (whether yay or nay). If a lady is truly committed to redesigning her response to sexual intimacy with her husband, she will find a way and figure out what works for her.

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    2. I meant to say your last paragraph....

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  2. I loved everything you said, except Fenimore Cooper -- who wrote one of the two only books I refused to finish reading in high school English. (And believe me, I was a total bookworm.) LOL. ;)

    I had one banner year in which I met an exercise goal that took me all year to do, and it was fabulous. I hope to have that kind of success with my 2014 goals. Blessings for your whole year!

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  3. Thanks for linking up with us, my friend! Hope you'll come back next week.

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Any thoughts? I'd love to hear them.