Week 5: Sex Drive Transformation (Drink-In)

I’m linking with Happy Wives’ Club today!  After our first section, Week 5 of our Challenge, please see more reasons, “I Love Mr. Muscle” in the second section.

If you are just joining the 2013 Sex Drive Transformation (for low libido wives) challenge see the INTRODUCTION HERE.

(Husbands who are reading, you are encouraged to pray the scripture and thought over your wife.)

How do you feel about looking at yourself au natural?  If it makes you feel embarrassed, disconcerted, flustered, or even disgusted, then your negative body image may be an area that is sabotaging your libido.  This week’s affirmation helps create a positive body attitude.

WEEK 5

“….And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’”  Matthew 22:39.

“God saw all that he had made, and it was very good…” Genesis 1:31.

I love myself enough to drink in the thought that I am beautiful in God’s eye.  I drink in the thought I am beautiful in my husband’s eye.  I drink in the thought that my beauty is defined by God and nowhere else.  I drink in that my naked beauty is sexually attractive.

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I Love Mr. Muscle Because…..

12. While frequently on the road for business, he will call me three or four times during the day.  He doesn’t cut the conversations short.  He lets me decide when I’ve had enough talk time.

13. I love that he puts a new toilet paper roll on the spindle when it’s time!  He even puts the paper coming up and over the way I like it!

14. He engages in CHOREPLAY (rhymes with foreplay)….he vacuums in such a sexy way!  His help around the house scores with this lowlibido lady.

15. He encourages my personal growth.  He doesn’t scoff if I take time to attend a program at the University, beading/crafting classes or special Bible classes.

16. He encourages my free thinking.  He engages in ‘debate’ with me and isn’t judgemental.

17. He encourages my creativity.  He attends all my singing performances that he can.  He is my biggest blog fan.  He never begrudges my time at creative expression.

I am so glad that God has blessed each of our marriages with different strengths and weaknesses.  I love reading how each of these lists are different (and yet, the same in how we all find the differing characteristics attractive.)  Remember to cover your marriage in prayer, praise for the good stuff and ask for help with the weak points.

Blessings to you dear Sisters!

Supernatural Sex: Spiritual Dimension of Libido for Low-Drive Wives

The waning of my physical sex drive was one of the biggest blessings of my life.  Maybe yours, too, if you’re a low libido wife.

“WHAT??”  I hear in unison.

Sexual Intimacy with a throbbing physical yearning is easy.  No offense to those ladies who still retain that (and yes, I’m just a little jealous).  We are all at different places.  Healthy physical libidos aren’t an obstacle to complete understanding. 

But, for me, when my physical libido was present in the fullest, I was distracted from experiencing the complete realm of marital sexual intimacy as God-ordained it.

With the first layer of libido (physical) diminished, I began to examine the other layers of sexual desire.  Within marriage, sexual craving is an integrated appetite of delights involving at least three aspects.

Physical Libido

This is the most tangible layer.  It is easily seen, easily felt.  It is biochemical in nature.

Emotional Libido

This is when you are at ease with your husband and the two of you are emotionally connecting.  You don’t feel like there are any secrets between the two of you.  You both enjoy time together and discuss freely whatever comes to mind.  This bond makes you receptive to lovemaking, with or without physical libido.

Spiritual Libido

The deepest layer of sexual intimacy.  It’s a desire to unite with the very soul of your husband.  It gives an enhanced definition to the term ‘soulmate’.  It’s a concept not easily understood.  We will each come to understand it and experience it in a different way.

Low-libido ladies, I think it is very important to understand there is a spiritual need for sexual intimacy with our husbands, even if we don’t grasp it conceptually.  That’s why it’s called a mystery.

Ephesians 5:31&32, “ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’  This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

Back in Ephesians 1&2, Paul has emphasized the mysterious nature of our unity with Christ, the Savior. 

Eph. 1:9-10, “He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure that He planned in Him for the administration of the days of fulfillment, to bring everything together in the Messiah, both things in heaven and things on earth in Him.”

Marriage is used as a symbol to correlate the divine mystery of our spiritual connectedness to Christ.  The true essence of our union with Christ will never be understood while we live on this side of the veil.  But, we get a tiny little glimpse through the vulnerable, intimate marital relationship.

The Lord Jesus brought our relationship with God the father to a level of intimacy the Old Testament people never dreamed of.  It’s supernatural because it’s unseen. 

Just like the spiritual union with your husband is unseen.  Spiritual libido is supernatural.

Here’s a possible analogy:  Have you ever been in a discussion and the exact right words come out of your mouth and you have no idea where they came from?  (That’s something along the lines of Mark 13:11.)  In the moment of crisis, have you said a quick prayer for peace only to find calmness sweep over your being like a sigh?  That’s the Holy Spirit (John 14:26&27).

I know the Holy Spirit is there even if I don’t understand his essence.  Couldn’t that be comparable to Spiritual Libido?  It’s craving to commune with your husband’s unseen soul.  It’s to become one seamlessly, body and spirit, as two puzzle pieces make a whole.  It’s a desire to give of yourself and truly know your husband on all planes.

This probably is not news to you, but the original reference to sexual intercourse in the Bible is Genesis 4:1,  “And Adam knew Eve, his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, ‘I have acquired a man from the Lord.’”

The Hebrew for ‘knew’ in this instance is yada.  (Try to squash that Seinfeld audio that just popped in your head….) Yada has an intimate meaning of ‘know.’  It is used over 1,000 times in the Old Testament.  In Gen. 4:1, it is a euphemism for sexual relations.   I even found one reference for yada’s meaning to be ‘co-mingling of souls.’  In the academic Hebrew translation sites I researched, it wasn’t listed.  But, I like that imagery.

Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.”…He wants us to yada him.

Psalm 139:1, “Oh Lord, Thou hath searched me and known me.” 

Galatians 4:9, “But now, since you know God, or rather have become known by God, how can you turn back again...”...GOD YADA/KNOWS US!

God wants us to know Him.  He wants to know us.  He wants husband and wife to know each other completely.  Supernatural sex is more than sex, it is Spirit-filled lovemaking and loveknowing.

See Julie Sibert's post, "Worship the Lord, Make Love to Your Spouse."

See Megan at DoNotDisturb's, "Sex is Receiving."

See Sheila Gregoire's thoughts, "Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love."

Week 4: Give Yourself Permission

Welcome, Ladies!

If you are just joining the 'challenge,'  please see the Introduction here. 

Our 4th week Libido Key, Ezekiel 36:26, talks about having a stony heart.  I DO NOT believe you have hearts of stone, ladies.  Your hearts are full of the utmost compassion because you are reading this and trying to bring fulfillment back to your marriage bed.  This verse from Ezekiel is regarding the ‘stiff necked’ Israelites.  My emphasis here is the RENEWAL of the heart and Spirit through God’s action.

Our positive thought only has one sentence because I believe this one sentence is powerful.  It is more than enough for some of us who haven’t had the spark in a very long time.  Whatever the reason for your lack of sexual energy, remember marital sexual intimacy has a spiritual nature and as I say each week, is God-ordained.

Week 4

“I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you.  I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed.  I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands,” Ezekiel 36:26

(the message).

 “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh,” Ezekiel 36:26

(Holman Christian Standard Bible).

“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you:  and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh and I will give you a heart of flesh,” Ezekiel 36:26

(King James Version).

I give myself permission to be a sexually charged wife.

From the archives at onefleshmarriage.com, “Do I Want the Libido Fairy toVisit?”   

Week 3: Ask, Seek, Knock to Unlock Sex Drive

See the Introduction to our 2013 Challenge HERE.

Word of the Day                                              

IMPORTUNATE:  Urgent or persistent, sometimes annoyingly so.

I love words.  (Higher math, not so much.)  When I stumbled across this word in my research for our 3^rd week Libido Key, I didn’t know the definition.  To me it looks like a multi-word. 

Similar to:   giant + enormous = ginormous. 

Importunate could say, “Important Opportunity.”  In a way, it does. 

Wouldn’t you be urgent and persistent, even annoyingly so if presented with an important opportunity that could incredibly bless your marriage, life and ultimately service to God?

Please take a moment to read Gill’s expository (bible commentary) of our Libido Key, Luke 11:9: 

And I say unto you, ask and it shall be given you……. This is said by Christ to encourage prayer, and importunity in it; that is anyone asks of God, in the name of Christ, and in faith, whether it be bread for the body, or food for the soul; or any blessing whatever; whether temporal or spiritual, it shall be given; not according to their deserts, but according to the riches of the grace of God who is rich unto all who call upon him, in sincerity and truth.
Seek, and ye shall find…..whether it be Christ, the pearl of great price, or God in Christ; or particularly pardoning grace and mercy through Christ, or the knowledge of divine things; and both grace here and glory hereafter, as men seek for hidden treasure; such shall not lose their labour, but shall enjoy all these valuable things, and whatever they are by prayer, and in use of other means, are seeking after.
Knock, and it shall be opened to you…..the door of mercy with God; the door of fellowship with Christ, the door of the Gospel and the mysteries of it and of the Gospel dispensation and church state, into which is admission, to all that seek; and the door of heaven, into which there is entrance by the blood of Jesus; the several phrases denote prayer, the continuance of it and the importunity of it.

I am no Bible scholar, but like I said, I love words.  I noticed a slight difference in some of the translations regarding Luke 11:9.  According to my limited research, Luke 11:9 contains the Greek present active imperative tense, which translated most correctly means to ‘make a habit of’ or ‘keep doing it.’  Which goes back to our word of the day, importunity!  Be persistent.

Every beautiful lady has a unique libido.  Let’s figure out what makes you tick!  Ask, and keep asking, God to reveal the secret of your sexual energy and desire for your husband.

Week 3

“So, I say to you, keep asking, and it will be given to you.  Keep searching, and you will find.  Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you,” Luke 11:9, Holman Christian Standard Bible.

“And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you,” Luke 11:9, King James Version.

I ask knowing I will receive a greater understanding of my Libido.  I seek the knowledge of the divine mystery, the oneflesh nature of my marriage that is God-ordained.  I knock on the door.  I will unlock my sexual desire.




*photoimage from June M. Sobrito, Dreamstime

Week 2: Sex Drive Transformation for the Low Libido Wife (Cling)

See the science and the Introduction to our 2013 Challenge HERE.

As low-libido wives, if we continue to use our own judgment (based on our physical nature) for what makes a strong marriage, we will end up unfulfilled and living without the complete cemented bond of marriage.

Let’s release OUR ideas and embrace God’s.  Let’s release our old notion of libido.  Let’s follow Christ’s words that in losing our life to serve Him, we will gain far more than our OWN judgment would ever bring us.  Serving Christ includes doing everything in our power to enhance our marriage and allowing God to bring it into alignment with his view.

For additional thoughts on Biblical marriage see themarriagebed.com’s, “What The Bible Says.”

(I will post Week 3 next Tues, and Week 4 on Thursday and we will be caught up to the actual 4^th week of 2013.  From then on, I’ll only post our Libido Challenges on Thursdays.)

WEEK 2

“If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it. 

But, if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms,”

Luke 17:33 (the message).

“Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it,”

Luke 17:33 (NIV).

I will cling to a new, enhanced version of my libido.  I will cling to the idea that frequent sexual relations will create a deep seated bond with my husband.  I will cling to a positive sexual energy towards my husband.  I will cling to the knowledge that sexual intimacy is God-ordained.

52 Week Challenge: Sex Drive Transformation for the Low Libido Wife

Our hearts play a huge roll in our libido.  Our minds play a huge roll.  Put our hearts and minds together and you get an overall attitude.

In 1985, Michael Scheier of Carnegie-Mellon University and Charles Carver, University of Miami, conducted a study that proved optimism could affect health.  This was ground breaking for the positive psychology movement.  (See the study here.) 

Dec. 2012, a study conducted by Pia Aravena and associates in France shows that positive sentence structure can literally enhance physical performance.  More specifically, it was action words in affirming sentences.  Volunteers, while gripping a sensor, heard a variety of verbs (i.e. throw or scratch) in different sentence structures.  The researchers observed increased strength on the grip sensor when words were presented in affirmative sentences.  No change in strength was observed when the word was used in a negative context (i.e. don’t throw) 

The theory behind positive affirmations is that through repeating and thinking positive phrases a manifest change in your physical life will happen.  Does the phrase positive affirmation conjure the Saturday Night Live Skit, ‘Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley?’  Well, this study says, “Ridicule positive affirmations no more!” 

Although Aravena’s French study did not specifically use positive affirmations, but only verbs in a positive context, couldn’t there be a correlation?

As the sports world grabs this tidbit to enhance their multi-million dollar teams, why can’t we low-libido ladies grab a hold of it to increase our performance?

Let’s envelope this science with scripture and see what happens!

Would you be willing to try an experiment with me?  Truly, I'll be doing this right along with you.

52 Weeks of Libido Transformation

Until the end of 2013, on Thursday, I will post a scripture with an accompanying positive thought regarding libido.  It will be something that you could print out (copy and paste, for now) using a half sheet of paper or less.  Post it where you will see it all week but is still discreet; your car’s visor, inside your makeup bag, use it as your bookmark for the week or make it pop up in your iphone’s reminders.

This challenge is about follow-through.  If you read my post of New Year’s week (see it here) I believe creating a positive libido is a function of much ACTION on your part, not just wishful thinking.

I realize that all marriages are at different places.  All relationships between husband and wife have different dynamics.  If you have concerns about certain aspects of your marriage, pray about them along with increasing your libido.  You really can work on both issues at the same time.  Don’t wait to improve your marital sexual intimacy.

Most importantly, pray over yourself DAILY incorporating the specific thoughts from our challenge.

Husbands are invited to pray over their wives and marriages with these scriptures and thoughts, as well.

WEEK 1

“Be very careful about what you think.  Your thoughts run your life,”

Proverbs 4:23, (International Children’s Bible).

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life,”

Proverbs 4:23 (King James Version).

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it,”

Proverbs 4:23 (New International Verson).

I will hold thoughts about sexual intimacy with my husband as good, pleasurable, sweet and something I want to participate in.  I will hold thoughts about sexual intimacy with my husband as God-ordained and fully cementing our bond as husband and wife.

Mr. Muscle's Courage

Why I love my husband….

My husband, who I often refer to as Mr. Muscle, is a guy’s guy.  He loves to fish, hunt, and order alligator off the menu.  He’s proficient at anything that involves projectiles (i.e. bullets) traveling at enormous speeds, skeet shooting and Call of Duty respectively. 

He can install home surround sound in one afternoon.  He taught me the physics of toilets so that I could fix an overflow in his absence.  He’s saved us a bundle by maintaining our cars through the years.  He aced pharmacokinetics in Pharmacy school.

I have much to admire about him. 

What I love about him the absolute most is his COURAGE.

His courage allows his emotions to overwhelm him during public and private prayers.

His courage to help a stranger fix their flat tire.

His courage to spout the corniest of puns.

His courage to help chaperone the 8th grade field trip.

His courage to listen to KLOVE radio in a car full of unbelieving teenagers.

His courage, as a slight introvert, to play Elvis (in a flimsy costume, mind you) at the church's Christmas party.

His courage to not criticize as our son ponders if Christianity is something he really believes in.

His courage to be the first to jump up and help clear dishes at any social function.

His courage to say admiring words about me in front of our kids and others.

But, there is one act of extreme courage that stands above the rest.

Our marriage started to crumble at about year 15.  My man’s man, instead of saying, ‘That’s just the way I am! I can never change!” said, “I am committed to this marriage.  You’re miserable.  I’m miserable.  Let’s figure out how to fix this.”

His act of extreme courage involved reading books, praying with me, attending classes, and engaging in heartfelt discussion.  His act of extreme courage was opening his heart to reveal nooks and crannies I hadn’t seen before.  His extreme act of courage was removing his heart’s armor and trusting I wouldn’t hurt him.

And lastly, His courage in being patient with me as we both learned the multi-ignition system of my low-libido.  My part of our crumbling marriage was not desiring a sexual union and at the worst of it, denying him.  Hence, the focus of my blog, to encourage the low-libido lady.

THANK YOU, J, at hotholyandhumorous, for making me aware of the link-up at the Happy Wives Club.   She is an insightful, engaging and mirth-filled lady.  You will love her posts, check them out!

Julie Siebert at Intimacyinmarriage also added, "6 Reasons I Love My Husband."  Julie has wit and wisdom regarding the sexual aspect of marriage.  She is such an encourager.  You will love her posts, as well!!

Winds of Change: A Husband's Profound Influence on Her Sex Drive

My heart has been touched by recent emails the OysterBed has received from men who are desperately in love with their wives.  But, these wives either do not realize the importance of sexual intimacy, or, they claim to want to increase sexual encounters, but are just not following through.

One loyal and loving husband asked, ‘How do I inspire her to restore her libido?’  A less genteel man may have asked, “How do I make her have more sex with me?”

If you’ve been married any amount of time, you know that you can’t make your spouse do anything.  Well, maybe you can, but a begrudging attitude will emanate from your spouse and will build into full blown resentment.

There’s no sales pitch that will immediately get me to jump in the sack.  The most enthusiastic infomercial spokesperson will not inspire me to do anything.  It may inspire the contrary.  I’ll dig my stubborn heels in further.  Is this wrong of me?  Yes.  Stubbornness is part of my sinful human nature.  It does not embody the ‘life of love’ mentioned in Ephesians 5:1. 

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.  Mostly what God does is love you.  Keep company with him and learn a life of love.  Observe how Christ loved us.  His love was not cautious but extravagant.  He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us.  Love like that,” Ephesians 5:1-2, the message.

…He didn’t love in order to get something…..

How to inspire your spouse to want to increase her libido?  The answer to this is multi-faceted, just as complex as the woman you have married.  BUT, it boils down to a verse in the above scripture.  “He didn’t love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of himself to us.”

The greatest change within my heart occurred as I saw Mr. Muscle making monumental changes within his.  HIS change inspired my change.  Truly, in loving HIMSELF to become more Christ-like, he led me to ponder my libido in a serious fashion.  Mr. Muscle didn’t make me change.  It could not even be defined as enticement or persuasion.  He profoundly influenced me.

You can profoundly influence your beautiful wife, too.  She married you because there was a tremendous amount in you worthy of respect and adoration. 

She always looks up to you.  But, know that it’s easier to have influence on her when your attitude isn’t callous or grumpy.

…but to give everything of himself to us. 

Give everything of yourself to your wife, everything of your heart.  For some men, this is more dear than their wallets.  For some men, sharing of the heart is a near impossible task.  But nothing is impossible with God!

Mr. Muscle came from a household that exhibited limited emotions (some joy, mostly anger).  So, in order for him to relate to me emotionally, it took painstaking work.  He had to learn to define more subtle emotions.  How could he be emotionally intimate with me if he didn’t understand the parameters?

It’s like sailing and not having the skills.  He desperately wanted to sail into adventure with me, so he spent hours perfecting the skills.  He studied emotions from a list and tried to apply them to his day.  Then over coffee in the morning, he tells me how he’s feeling using emotion words.

The biology of the male brain makes it difficult to consider and verbalize emotions.  Mr. Muscle’s sacrifice and pain became tangible as he fully immersed in trying to connect with me emotionally.  I would compare it to me taking a calculus-based physics class. 

I was awestruck when I realized he was tackling this overwhelming endeavor to better himself and become more Christ-like.  Christ was very in tune with his heart.  It wasn’t a ploy to manipulate me into more sex.  It was so Mr. Muscle could become the best man he could be.

…love like that…

Husbands may wonder, “What’s the big deal about sharing my emotions?”  Wives thrive on knowing you emotionally.  It builds our trust.  I’ve seen it coined ‘emotional libido.’  Wives don’t necessarily need the physical aspect of sex-drive in order to engage.  The heart-string connection is enough to inspire lovemaking.  I raise my hand in testimony to this.

It’s been several years, and Mr. Muscle is still working on defining his emotions.  But, it didn’t take years for our emotional intimacy to start blossoming.  It didn’t take long at all for my ‘emotional libido’ to kick in.

Practical Tools 

My first suggestion to you, loving husbands, is to develop your emotional awareness.  

Be brave in verbalizing your feelings, passionate or subtle, to your wife.

Just a small example of what emotional openness includes:

relating when things are frustrating,

….when things make you satisfied,

….when circumstances are annoying,

….where you find contentment,

….how your wife makes you feel good and whole.

Please see:  Emotion's List

Courageously sail into the adventure, husbands.  Learn to navigate the seas of Christ’s extravagant love.  You may just catch the fish of a lifetime called ‘emotional libido.’

Addendum

Oh, how I wish Mr. Muscle could tell you his story.  But, he says business development is his gift and writing is mine.  So, he considers what I write to be ‘our words.’  AND, please know we are not perfect, we both can get ornery at times.

Ladies are not off the hook.  OysterBed7 focuses on the low-libido beauty.  There are many posts about her responsibility in improving sexual intimacy in her marriage and what active steps she can make.

Please read Kate’s view (of onefleshmarriage) on women and sex in her guest post at Square1:  A Woman's View on Women and Sex 

Other ways for men to connect with their wives at the-generous-husband:  The Change She Would Like to See

Book Recommendations for her:  Sacred Influence:  How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of their Husbands by Gary Thomas  Please use the link included and shop through the-generous-wife.com.  It will benefit their marriage ministry.  THANK YOU!!!

Reasonable Sexpectations

2013 is our year, beautiful ladyfish!

2013 is going to be filled with extreme confidence that you and your spouse will achieve similar sexual expectations (sexpectations?). There is always HOPE that libido can be reclaimed.

I think we can be assertively confident because a strong marriage is God's will.

In this blog, hope is not defined as an over-inflated wish. Being filled with hope is setting a goal and knowing you will be active in attaining it. The Lord will endow you with wisdom and strength to know which steps to take toward re-animating your sexual desire.

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than we ask or think, according to the power at work within us," Ephesians 3:20.

Self-Introspection
It says in Eph. 3:20, that the Lord is able to do far more abundantly than we even THINK. Pray to The Lord to reveal areas in your heart, body or mind that can be changed, molded, or strengthened to increase your desire for your husband.

Quantum Leap Towards Libido
If you wanted to change the color of your bathroom walls, you can't just say, " I wish my walls were blue," and expect them to paint themselves.
You have to first decide which shade of blue.
Then you have to consider your budget.
Then you have to get your painting supplies from where they are stored or buy new ones.
Then you have to prepare the walls and your working area.
....paint one coat, let dry
....paint second coat, let dry.
....return wall hangings and clean up.

Making an active change in your life, including increasing your sexual desire, requires meeting God half way with your actions. He will provide the avenues. You must drive them.

No, it's not easy for us low libido ladies. But, you will never regret improving this area of your life and marriage.