Disagreement Does Not Equal Fear/Hatred

It’s unlikely that a person can be found who will agree 100% with my views/choices/opinions. Whatever they may be:  politics, ethics, parenting, theology, healthcare, nutrition, personal taste in clothing, cars, fragrance, etc…..

My husband and I don’t even agree 100% on everything.

If I don’t agree with someone, does that mean I hate them?  Does that mean that I fear them?

No.

“There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love,” 1 John 4:18.

Hate and fear do walk hand in hand.  But, neither of these have to be present when you disagree.  Maybe anger is present, if the disagreement reaches an unfortunate crescendo.  But accusing me of these things because I stand against your opinion, makes it all the more imperative that I not react in a knee jerk fashion.  I need to react with even more compassion.

I greatly appreciate this quote by Rick Warren, “Our culture has accepted two huge lies.  The first is if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them.  The second is that to love someone means you have to agree with everything they believe or do.

You don’t have to compromise convictions to have compassion.”

I think the cure for fear and hatred lies in a surprising avenue.  The cure isn’t all getting together and working out our differences.  The cure is:  Forget about yourself.  Find a way to serve.  Not just serve, but get in the lives of the needy and hurting.  Nothing changes your perspective than hearing the stories of those trapped in generational poverty.  Nothing changes your faith than watching a terminally ill child march into the unknown with courage.

Will this change the heated political debate?  Probably not, but if we start working on the foundation of our society, we’ll have a greater impact for the cause of Jesus’ love.

Forget about yourself.  Jesus did exactly that 2000 years ago this weekend.

Week 13: Sex Drive Transformation (Connect)

The OysterBed is celebrating the first year with a little make-over!  Hope you like the little changes.

If you are just joining the Sex Drive Transformation Challenge, WELCOME and please see the INTRODUCTION HERE.

(Husbands, if you are reading, you are invited to pray these scriptures and thoughts over your wives.)

Who knows why random things float up like flotsam in the ocean of my mind.  I strain to remember my sister’s birthday, “Is it the 25^th or the 26^th?” And yet, an insult from 14 years ago transports in like Kirk on an away team.

I’ve got to attach an anchor and let it sink back down to the bottom.  Is this repression?  I don’t think so.  Usually the memory has to do with an incident that was resolved.  If I wallow in that past pain, it can color the rest of my day.  But, better than tying an anchor to it, what if we just let it float away to never be seen again?  Just release it, let it go, erase it from your page.  Maybe not release the incident, but accept the feelings and process the feelings around the incident.  Free yourself of them.

Why do the negative images crop up more than the positive ones?  It probably has to do with the theory that it requires hearing seven positive thoughts to counteract one negative.

Live in the present.  Let the past be gone, especially if it was resolved.

If we are accepting and connecting with where we are at, in the present, maybe we can work on accepting and connecting with the skin we’re in and accept/connect that it’s OK to be a sexually charged wife who enjoys intimacy (physical/emotional/spiritual) with your husband.

WEEK 13

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will,” Romans 12:2.

I am going to connect with my feelings and let bygones go bye-bye.  I am going to focus on the present and allow myself to connect with my sexual energy.  I am going to connect with my husband through sexual intimacy and therefore also connect to our creator.

Is It OK to Pray for Your Sex Life?

YES.

(I was tempted to make this the shortest OysterBed7 post ever, 

but felt more should be added to clarify....)

Not spoken to God in awhile?

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me,” Psalm 27:10.

He wants to hear from you.

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you….” James 4:8. 

“I sought the Lord and He answered me;

          He delivered me from all my fears,” Psalm 34:4.

God cares about us on a personal level. 

“He tends his flock like a shepherd:  He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young,” Isaiah 40:11.  I cannot think of a sweeter picture.  The Sovereign Almighty Creator taking time to hold his most immature and weak close to his heart.

I posted a picture on facebook of a man in uniform listening intently to a tiny little girl, just a toddler.  The man’s face showed a combination of tenderness and consideration.  He didn’t just disregard this tiny little girl.

That’s how I see God and his desire to relate to us.

God walked with Adam and Eve in the Garden.  After their eyes were unveiled to good and evil due to not heeding His command, He sought THEM out.  If we think about it, prayer is just a conversation.  If this is the case, wouldn’t the conversation in Genesis 3 be the first prayer?  It’s interesting to note, that God initiated that conversation.

Most importantly, He showed us through Jesus Christ that he wants a personal relationship with us.  Why go to the extreme of sending a sacrifice for all our shortcomings (SIN), if a personal relationship isn’t desired?

Because He cares for us on a personal level, He cares about our marital sexual intimacy.  It’s no more or no less than his care of our honesty, our patience with one another, our respect of one another, our love of one another. 

But, since OysterBed7’s focus is the low-libido wife, I want to underscore that 

it’s OK to pray for your sex life.

There’s no time like the present to start!  

To find specific scripture and libido thoughts to pray over see: 2013 Unlock Your Libido Challenge

25 Random Realizations after 1 Year Blogging

First, I need to confess:  

Because OysterBed7 isn’t about ME, it’s about God’s hope for low libido ladies, I get angry with myself.  Occasionally, another author’s beautifully articulated post goes viral.  Unannounced, the ugly oystershell of jealousy floats to the surface of my mind.  

I know jealousy/envy are dumb!  I pray my competitive nature at bay.  When I start to feel those pangs (which are my own insecurities) I start tweeting away, promoting fabulous posts out there.  Now, don’t think just because I’m tweeting you I’m coveting your writing skill.  But, then again…..  

(Please join me in prayer that I can overcome jealousy and envy with humility and gratitude to be a part of this effort to improve the integrity of marriage.)

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good,”  Romans 12:21.

2.  I still don’t have a good grasp on blogging ‘etiquette.’

3.  My enthusiasm causes impetuousness.  Sometimes, I comment, hit enter and wish I could edit.  (note to self:  continue praying for self-control.)

4.  The written word can be tricky.  Voice inflection can’t be heard, body language not seen. 

5.  Writing about sexuality helps my libido.  (Low libido ladies, to increase desire there really is something to this ‘start thinking about sex in the morning’ thing.)

6.  OysterBed7 and its readers are prayed over for protection.  Writing and reading about sexuality in marriage sometimes draws Satan’s attention.

7.  Where would OysterBed7 be without the warm and sincere members of  Christian Marriage Bloggers Association?  They've calmed fears and spurred me on.  Check out this link and peruse the different blogs.

8.  Do I think about low libido remedies all the time?  No.  Mr. Muscle helps by sending me emails for post topics.

9.  Blogging is serious fun.  I like to have fun, but it's imperative to write responsibly and in a God honoring way.  Other people’s lives are serious business.  Especially, since I’m NOT a counselor or medical professional.

10.  A prayer journal is kept for those who have asked for prayer or confided troubles in comments or emails.  You are all cherished!

11.  There is nothing new under the sun.  Each blogger just puts individual spin or humor on the age old human condition. 

12.  Blogging is instant publishing gratification.  I don’t have to type a manuscript or article and send it in and wait for the rejection.  There is no rejection,  unless someone wants to argue in the comments.

13.  It took all year to build a thicker sexuality-writing skin.  There are still sexual Puritans out there.  We can’t be sexual Puritans anymore.  Vocal balanced Christian voices are needed.  SEX IS GOD ORDAINED.  Take advantage of society's relaxed nature about sex and talk about it.

14.  Your story is different from mine.  I realize this and try to write taking in many different scenarios.  But, my story isn’t going to minister to everyone.

15.  Why does writing inspiration materialize when there is no note-taking ability to record Pulitzer Prize thoughts?  Then, in ten minutes, they're lost.  My memory is a sieve that retains NOTHING, esp. past 7 p.m., I’m the best gossip around because I can’t remember a dern thing.

16.  Streamlining has been learned.  I prefer posts (reading and writing) that are around 700 words.

17.  Public domain and personally owned images are a blog's best photo friends.

18.  In spite of what I confessed about jealousy, I do love to network and promote fellow bloggers.  God uses each of our voices to reach that one person.  I like building blogosphere and real-life relationships.  My email is pearlmail3 at gmail dot com.

19.  I would kill for a good cleaning lady.  The one we have currently has turned into a slacker since she started blogging.

20.  OysterBed7 has cost us about $50.   If money happened to fall out of the screen, I’d help the economy and hire a cleaning lady.  But, Pearl profit was never our intention. 

21.  It’s self-esteem building to have knowledgeable discussions with 20-somethings about blogging.

22.  The more I research the sexual-spiritual link, the more fascinating and satisfying it becomes.

23.  More books have been devoured in the past year than in the last five combined; firstly the Bible, then mostly sexuality topics.

24.  Scholarly articles challenge my science understanding and have been an empowering re-awakening.  Psychoneuroendocrinology is fun to type and say.

25.  Many in my family know I have a marital intimacy blog.  They’ve been warned to read at their own risk. 

Stay tuned for an important announcement on April 1st!

Battle Beauty

I'm cheating a little bit today as we head into the 6 day blogging marathon.  Battle Beauty was the OysterBed's inaugural post of 2012.  Not many of you saw it.....so I thought I'd give you a second chance.  ;)

FYI - There will be a very special announcement on April 1st to commence year #2.

Please come join OysterBed7 Social Network!

   

OYSTERBED7 on FACEBOOK

OysterBed7

OYSTERBED7 on TWITTER

OysterBed7

You probably already know that if an oyster ingests a tiny bit of sand it can develop a pearl.  Not only a grain of sand, but a microscopic parasite or injury to the oyster’s flesh can also trigger pearl making.

The making of a pearl is the oyster’s defense mechanism.  The oyster secretes ‘mother-of-pearl’ chemical to encase the irritant.  It secretes layer after layer until a pearl is formed.  Once the pearl is formed, the oyster no longer recognizes the irritant.  It smooths the rough edges.  It only sees a new beautiful part of itself.

You, too, can be just as beautiful and lustrous! 

My luster comes from years of layering.  Years of working through the grit and injuries of the heart.  I bet you've had a bit of grit thrown your way, too.  The grittiness of life's issues can be battles; battles within yourself, battles with exterior forces (gossip and you’re wearing the bulls-eye, or people who absolutely don’t get it), battles with toilet training, battles with finances, unforeseen battles like tornadoes that vacuum up your home or health scares.

In the midst of all the grit, you have to make a choice, exude Battle Scars, Battle Bitterness (which can fester) or Battle Beauty.

Choose to exude Battle Beauty  "We take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ," 2 Corinthians 10:5.   Catch those thoughts that are negative and turn them into things of beauty.  The essence of Jesus Christ is love.  So, making a thought obedient to him is to turn those defeating thoughts into something lovely.  "Easier said than done, chica," you say?  Oh, how I know it!

How Stupid of me!

Why did I say that, I’m so embarrassed!

Why can’t I ever do anything right?

I’m fat.

My husband is an idiot.

Where did these wild tadpoles of children hatch?

Or playing a disagreeable incident over and over and over in your mind……

When these try to invade, catch ‘em and catch ‘em quick.  Sure, you are busy and it takes extra effort to:

1.       Acknowledge the thought was negative

2.     come up with a beautiful alternative

After all, these are precious micro-seconds of your life.

And by beautiful, I mean positive uplifting and encouraging.  Maybe your style isn’t strawberries and cream, maybe you are more red pepper jelly, chocolate covered pretzel, sauerkraut or deviled egg.  Whatever your personality, you can counter discouraging defeating thoughts with the noble, praiseworthy kind.

If finding an alternative thought is hard at first, just think about your physical being or location. “ I am driving the kids to school.  Oh look at that little bird over there, he’s so cute.  I love the color of the sky in front of me.” etc…

PRAY for positive insight.  Let God give you HOPE that what you are struggling with isn’t futile.  Pray over this scripture, Philippians 4:8 from the Message.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on thing true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.  Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized.  Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most excellent harmonies.

Positive thinking is not going to solve all of life’s problems.  But, it helps to be aware of your thought process.  Choosing to show Battle Beauty requires a small sacrifice of time and lots of practice.  It may be more than just a single thought here and there, you may have to choose to adjust your attitude toward a whole scenario in your life.

For example, I have a scenario I’ve been dealing with.  There are always many, and I’ll share them all along the way….but, the one I’ll mention is helping care for my elderly father who lives 600 miles away.

Every 6 weeks, I pack up and return to Hoosierland for 10 days or so. 

1.      It’s a disruption to my busy life.  I work my shell off around here.  Now, I’m going to be behind schedule and I’ve got many many responsibilities to juggle.

2.     It’s separation from my husband, which can put a strain on us.

3.     I miss my sons.

4.     It’s emotionally draining.

5.     I miss my dogs.

So, I need to capture those pieces of grit and layer them:

1.     The time away is refreshing for my brain toward responsibilities at home.

2.     The work to stay connected relationally with my hubby, Mr. Muscle, while I’m gone (phone calls, txts, emails) leads to some fabulous welcome home intimacy.

3.     I reconnect with my dad and relatives (esp. my sisters).  I’m building sweet memories with dad for when he’s gone.

4.     I  can see puppies at the pet store.

5.     I am building a repertoire of great nursing home stories.

6.     My kids enthusiastically lavish appreciation on me for hot meals and laundry after I’ve been gone.

Sure this  example is on the simpler side, but the same technique can be used with weightier issues.  I suggest with weightier issues, you actually write the negatives and positives down.  Again, remember to PRAY for positive insight.  God will not let your spirit be crushed.

Psalm 24:18  “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Showing Battle Beauty is always a choice.  We all feel overwhelmed by the grit of life at times and resist making the choice.  I know you have made the beautiful choice before and you will do it again.  Not only are you honoring God, by believing he will bless you with noble thoughts, your attitude will permeate into your relationships.  That positive you exude will flow back to bless you again and again.  I have prayed for you already!

Holy Blessings Week

Blessings to you, beautiful readers, this Holy Week.

Being a follower of Christ, doesn't always mean emotional mountaintop experiences.  Being a follower of Christ means I will uphold the tenets of the Word and what He teaches.  There are times throughout the year, that my faith is action and not feeling.  But, this very special season always rejuvenates my spirit and mental outlook.  After all, it marks the reason for our HOPE.

I pray that you will be reminded of the soft, tender, passionate and obsessive love that God our Father had and has for us.  He has this love for ALL of us, even those who are not Christian.  As we look around we are witness to the rebirth of life and the energy and blessing it brings.  Those beautiful flowers and young critters that are coming to life are just a small reminder of Christ's resurrection.

Before that beautiful resurrection, Jesus endured a harsh and torturous winter not of his own accord.  When the Passion of the Christ movie came out, I went with groups of kids and adults to see it on separate occasions.  I viewed that story three or four times.  Each time, my spirit writhed in excruciating compassion for the pain Jesus endured to satisfy MY sin.

I cannot sit through an Easter sermon without the embedded scenes of that movie playing in my head.  I didn't deserve His love, but He thought I did.  I will try to live up to His love.

That's part of the reason I write this blog.  I'm trying to live up to His love.  But, none of us can live up to it.  We have to accept it as a gift.

If you are skeptical, don't look at human Christians for your answer at first.  FIRST, look to the Bible.  Read the sacred Words.  Pray about them and open your heart.  Then, find someone you can talk to.  I am always willing to help you find your HOPE.  Pearlmail3 at gmail dot com.

Incredibly insignificant is the OysterBed's one year anniversary.  Which happens to coincide with Holy Week.  It is a Lord driven milestone.  I am compelled to share my faith because it is in direct correlation to my marriage and ultimately my libido.

"I'm not saying I have this all together, that I have made it.  But that I'm well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached for me.  Friends, don't get me wrong:  By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal; Where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus.  I'm off and running and I'm not turning back," Philippians 3:12-14 (the message).

In celebration of the one year milestone, the OysterBed will be posting every day this week.  That's going to be a significant challenge, as I'm not comfortable just 'blogging.'  I'm way more comfortable doing tons of research and conveying it's message.  Join me as we both see where this leads.....

Week 12: Sex Drive Transformation (Relax)

If you are just joining the Sex Drive Transformation Challenge, WELCOME and please see the INTRODUCTION HERE.

(Husbands, if you are reading, you are invited to pray these scriptures and thoughts over your wives.)

In Supernatural Sex, I tried to explain the spiritual dimension of sexual intimacy.  

It is in this realm that I’ve had the most healing experiences lately. 

At the risk of sounding alternative, I believe that sexual energy is a life-force energy.  It comes partly down to the cocktail of luscious biochemicals that are released in our brains while experiencing physical touch, even a greater burst is released during orgasm.  The other part, I truly believe is due to the spiritual nature of our lovemaking.  Thus we are one when we are making love, one with our spouse, one with God as a couple, Plus, your spirit and body are one, intrinsically linked.  You are a soul.

It’s spring around here.  (I’m sorry that phil the groundhog got it wrong for the rest of the US).  The blossoming of new life is dusting cars, porches and anything outside at-length with a powdery yellow-green of pollen.

The buds of azalea’s are loosening.  The azalea will open forth soon to reveal relaxed vibrance.

That’s what I envision the sexual energy of a woman with low libido.  Some of us are tightly wound.  Our beautiful blossom can’t be seen.  And yes, you could take that literally and figuratively.  When we allow ourselves to experience the drenching of love with our husbands, we slowly relax and are vibrant.  We have to let our hearts relax, uncoil and experience abandon (or at least no restraint, if ‘abandon’ is found to be too strong a thought).  It comes down to one decision.  Just try.

Let Jesus help you with this.  Let his healing spirit work within your mind and sexual intimacy.  Remember God is pleased with sexual intimacy.

Week 12

“…Do not be afraid.  Just believe, and she will be healed,” Luke 8:50.

I will relax and enjoy thinking about sexual intimacy with my husband.  I will relax and allow my soul to experience intimacy with my husband.

What WE DO: Keeping Marriage Strong in Spite of Business Travel

I, too, saw Do Not Disturb's challenge on their post, Keeping Our Marriage Strong:  We Do… and have followed suit with J of hotholyhumorous and Lori of The Generous Wife.  Thanks for this challenge!  It was fun.

Business Travel & Strong Marriage:  What WE DO….

Lots of Phone Time (a little Face Time)…..Mr. Muscle travels for business nearly weekly.  We have to be very diligent with our communication.  He calls 3 or 4 times a day.  He supplied me with an iPad so that we could ‘Face Time’ in the evenings.  At one point it was easy to let the day slip by, lost in children and the ‘to-do’ list.  Realizing how important it is to keep connected has been part of our Phase 2 of marriage.

Dedicated Weekend Time…..We try to keep our weekends free and clear for each other.  If we must attend a function, we will go together if possible.  There are the occasional men’s or women’s breakfasts.  This rebonding time is very important especially for me.  It helps to keep the libido lifted by being emotionally connected.

Sexual Intimacy Prioritized.....We have to take advantage of the time we have together.  It's all a part of Dedicated Weekend Time.

Trust….Communication and marriage protecting agreements are in place.  We know each other’s schedules every day, whether we are apart or together.  Trust is invisible until it is lost.

Travel & Novelty … We travel near and far when time and money allow.  During our Dedicated Weekend Time, we like to experience new things together.  We go to new restaurants and wine tastings.  We will find a new nature trail to walk.  We like meeting new people together and hearing their stories.  Sometimes it’s as simple as taking an alternate route home from Target.

We do God…and ALL this encompasses, He’s our grace and foundation.  He’s our captain during hurricanes.  Mr. Muscle and I worship together and have invigorating debates regarding Bible passages.  We are incredibly aware that all our blessings come from above.

Check back tomorrow for this week's SEX DRIVE TRANSFORMATION thought & scripture key!  

Music and Sex

(Thank you, J at hotholyhumorous, for inspiring me with your two posts regarding music to bring this off the backburner, finish it and link-up.)

“If music be the food of love, play on,” Shakespeare.

“Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence,” Robert Fripp.  To me, music is much much more than filler.  It doesn’t fill my silence.  It fills my heart.

A vivid first memory I have is Happy Birthday being sung in my honor.  The serenade brought chills to my three year old spine.  Not realizing the significance of birthdays yet, I remember thinking, “Why are they singing to me???  I don’t know, but I LIKE it!!!”

Music feeds my soul.

My kids used to groan when I’d pop in a bluegrass cassette.  Bluegrass always gives me an immediate pick-me-up.  (Now a local bluegrass band in our town is attracting college kids by the droves.)  An orchestral song on my Pandora station, Epic Soundtracks, brought me to tears the other day.  For this low-libido lady, Beale Street Blues can influence my randy nature. 

It isn’t lyrics that put me in a certain mood, it is the instrumental music.

Music is personal.  Tastes vary.  It affects individuals differently.  I have an acquaintance who doesn’t experience music on an emotional level.  Which is hard to fathom, but I realize we are all drawn to different things.

It’s long been intuitively known that fun music makes a happy crowd.  1955 movie, Ma and Pa Kettle in Waikiki, Pa’s deemed a genius when he pipes in a jazz tune to the floor of a pineapple processing plant and speeds up production.  1995 University of Illinois study shows that workers listening to music on their personal devices were more productive.  Studies in the UK led by Anneli B. Haake showed workers were less stressed and more focused when listening to music on the job.

Do you, like me, have a strong emotional response to music?  Could there be a scientific correlation between music and our mood, specifically libido?

According to a study published in, “Proceedings of the National Academies of Sciences” journal, 2001, by Dr. Anne Blood (Massechusetts General Hospital) and Robert J. Zatorre (Montreal Neurological Institute), strains of music can favorably stimulate the same parts of the brain as food and sex.   

This study measured 5 men and 5 females who chose one piece of music that, “consistently elicited intensely pleasant emotional responses, including chills.”

 
Subjects listened to their piece and underwent a PET scan to measure cerebral blood flow.  Heart rate, electromyogram (EMG) and respiration depth were also evaluated. A baseline for each subject was determined using a piece of music similar to their choice, however, not ‘chills’ producing.

“The pattern of activity observed here in correlation with music-induced chills is similar to that observed in other brain imaging studies of euphoria and/or pleasant emotion.” 

In other words, the brain’s pleasure centers that are turned on by food or sex were also turned on by the intense pleasure of music.

YES, there is a correlation between music and our physical/emotional response.  I think for low libido ladies this measure of science is lyrical information.  Hit your favorite music streaming station early in the day to juice up the brain for some lovin’ with your honey.   Music truly is the food of love.

Side Note:  Harley Davidson, Feb. 2013, isn’t so convinced of music’s benefits.  They have recently banned all music on the production floor citing LACK of focus for their workers.  Safety first for Harley Davidson. 

How do different genre’s of music affect your mood?  Would you have guessed music could influence you like this?

For more music/brain info, please see this fascinating article:

What Happens to Your Brain under the Influence of Music

For some fun bedroom playlist ideas see:

A Marital Intimacy Playlist

Please link up in the comments if your a blogger with a music related post!

Week 11: Sex Drive Transformation (ACCEPT)

If you are just joining the Sex Drive Transformation Challenge, WELCOME and please see the INTRODUCTION HERE.

(Husbands, if you are reading, you are invited to pray these scriptures and thoughts over your wives.)

Slang words come and go.  Words are christened with new definitions each generation.  Some ‘out of style’ words resurface.

There is a word that has taken on a slightly different tone in the last decade.  Sexy. 

In my high school years, I don’t remember using sexy as an adjective much. There was foxy, cute, and decent.  Sexy was reserved for an adult woman, like Sophia Loren, who was voluptuous or an adult man who was well formed or had a certain charisma.  It was rarely used to describe anyone under the age of 21.

I heard someone describe their iPhone as sexy.  There are pinterest boards named Sexy Inanimate Objects.

Sexy is evolving to encompass a broader definition than a person who illicits a sexual response.  If so, I think I like Rob Bell’s wife’s interpretation of what sexy should be in a wife’s mindset.

“Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin.  Your own body feels right.  It feels comfortable.  Sexy is when you love being you.”

That confidence is crucial for sex drive transformation.  You have to allow yourself to be comfortable.  Are you already comfortable in your skin?  What can you do to help improve if you aren’t comfortable?

Asking the Lord’s guidance to improve sexual intimacy with your husband is in accordance with His will!  Marital Sexual Intimacy is God ordained.  He’ll show you the path.  He wishes you both to enjoy its bonding and pleasure.

Week 11

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control,” 

1 Timothy 1:7(NIV).

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to His will, he hears us.  And if we know he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of Him,” 1 John 5:14-15 (NIV).

I completely accept the skin I am in.  I completely accept that I am beautiful to my husband.  I completely accept that my body is wonderfully created for sexual intimacy and experience with my husband.

HOPE of Christian Women's Job Corps

March 8th was International Women's Day.

I'd not heard of it.  That doesn't mean anything, though.  Much of the time, I am encased in a 5 square mile world.  Our church,  grocery, bank, mall, and my jazzercise studio are all within 5 miles of the house.  I do look up and around occasionally, but not when life is rolling chaotically, albeit routinely, along.

But, back to IWD.  One of my passions is inter-denominational women's ministry.  I should narrow that.....hurting women's ministry.

In honor of IWD and my passion for hurting women, I want to tell you about a non-profit program I advocate, Christian Women's Job Corps (CWJC©).  If I've ever talked to you in the ladies' restroom at a ballgame or sat next to you on a plane, you probably have a CWJC© business card from me.  It's THAT important of a program.

WHY?  Because it works!  CWJC equips hurting and impoverished women with jobskills and lifeskills.  But, most importantly, we walk alongside these beautiful women and help them unlock the treasure chest where they have kept their dreams and their self-worth.  When you've been beat down enough, you hide these precious entities so that no one can steal them.  But, after awhile you forget where you hid them.

For 10 years I worked as a church secretary for my home congregation.  It's a beautiful family of Christians.  But, I saw what didn't work in the benevolence arena.  You know it's not working when you see the same families month after month, year after year.  I'm not bashing my church.  We are keeping bellies full and that's fine.  It is a valuable ministry.

But, for me, I wanted to be a part of the transformation of impoverished lives.  I found that through Christian Women's Job Corps.  

Potential participants (protegees) undergo an interview to make sure we are a good fit.  Accepted protegees sign a covenant (contract).  This holds our protegees accountable to certain responsibilities she has agreed to.  It holds the program accountable in assisting her while she is in our program, mostly through networking and classwork.  We are a hand-UP not a hand-out program.  The protegee is then paired with a mature Christian woman as a mentor.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?  Humility and a new found respect for those existing below the standard of living (70% of the worlds impoverished are women).  The most remarkable transformations involves the escape of emotionally devastated ladies from the sex industry or sexual abuse.  Have you ever watched a butterfly struggle initially after emerging from the cocoon only to watch it strengthen and then finally fly away in splendor?

ALL OF US have the same basic needs, to love and be loved, to have a full belly, a few clothes and shelter from the rain.  Through my work with CWJC, I have learned, '....but for the grace of God, there go I.'  I could be any one of these women.  

I have been witness to horror stories of humanity.  I've been witness to incredible hope and courage to allow her to rise above the quagmire.  HOPE always wins!  I am honored to serve these women.  It has given me a capacity to love like I've never known.

FINAL REMARKS
In the beginning, I was scared.  I didn't know what I was doing.  (I still don't, but don't tell the other board members that!!!)  I just felt this overwhelming call.  I put all my trust in the Holy Spirit to guide.  The fear subsided.  All that was needed was showing up.  He took care of the rest.  He has blessed me 1000 fold in allowing me to be in our protegees lives.  There is a joy-burst in my heart when I see a 'graduate.'  Usually, she is radiating that feeling right back at me.  I think that God calls that unity of spirit.

How can this encourage low-libido wives?  When we strive to be the BEST we can be, putting ourselves/fears aside to serve, being the flesh of Jesus on earth (his hands and feet), when we call Him into our midst to help others, He answers immediately.  Whether it's women, children, marriages, elderly, men, homeless, etc, find YOUR way to serve.

Not everything comes down to sex, but when you are feeling good about yourself spiritually and emotionally, there's a trickle down affect into how we feel about ourselves as sexual creatures, too.

"Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be.  My Father will honor the one who serves me,"  John 12:26.

Christian Women's Job Corps and Christian Men's Job Corps are now worldwide programs.  There is probably one in your area, google to find out!!

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Week 10: Sex Drive Transformation (Release)

The Lord loves a positive attitude in times of adversity.

In Numbers, chapter 13, Moses sends 12 spies into Canaan to explore what the condition was of the land and people. 

10 spies came back impressed by the fertile land yet afraid of the powerful looking inhabitants.  2 spies, Joshua and Caleb, knew that they could take the land because the Lord was with them.

In the end, the Israelites were persuaded by the 10 to NOT enter the land promised to them.  They weren’t confident in the Lord’s protection.  They had no faith.  These 10 who cowered at the thought of conquering giants were struck down with a plague and died.  Of the entire generation, only Joshua and Caleb would ever see the Promised Land.

Have faith in the Lord during your time of adversity, sweet sisters.  Low-libido may be your adversity, but He will show you a way to conquer it.

Sexual intimacy with our husbands is God-ordained and it can be quite pleasurable, whether that pleasure be physical, emotional or spiritual.

Week 10

“But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follow me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it,” Numbers 14:24 (NIV). 

I release all negative thoughts I toward sexual intimacy with my husband.

 I release all inhibitions of sexual intimacy with my husband.

Sweet Juicy Tingle

A lovely reader during Week 6 of our Sex Drive Transformation left the following  question: 

“How do you get the tingly feeling back?  I love my husband, love making love with him, but generally the feelings I have when he touches me is ‘safe/secure/comfortable,’ not the ‘new/exciting/tingling’ feelings.”

This is a great question!  Why is the effervescence of euphoria is elusive?

He walks into sight and fireflies of electricity burst in your chest.  You can barely concentrate on anything else other than your hunk of man.  (There is speculation in the science community that biochemicals involved in first-love are also connected with obsession/compulsion.)

What is the tingle?

Published findings in the Journal of Psychoneuroendocrinology, April 2006, seem to state that the butterflies of first romance biologically dwindle as time progresses.  Dr. Emanuele Enzo and team, University of Pavia, Italy, were led to study the neurobiologyof first love because, “it would not be surprising that a diversity of biochemical mechanisms could be involved in the mood changes of the initial stage of romance……It typically involves emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and erotic components.”

This study tracked neurotrophins, a family of proteins that induce the survival, development and function of neurons (nerve cells).  The proteins tracked were NGF (nerve growth factor), BDNF (brain derived neurotrophic factor), NT-3 (neurotrophin-3) and NT-4 (neurotrophin-4).

A group of 58 highly scrutinized, madly-in-love participants were the test subjects against two similar sized control groups.  They had fallen in-love within 6 months of the first interview for this study.  One control group was comprised of individuals with no romantic attachments (i.e. single).  The second control group had been in a long term committed relationship lasting from roughly 2.5 – 5.5 years.  Each group had a nearly equal number of men and women.  The age of the test group was about 2 years younger on average than the two control groups.

Blood samples were taken after a 14 hour fast.  It was a blind study.  The lab personnel did not know which group the subjects were in.

After analysis it was shown that the NGF (nerve growth factor) for the in-love test group was around 35% higher than the singles control group and around 50% higher than the committed relationship control group. 

And, there was variation within the in-love test group.  The more intense feeling of love a participant reported, the higher their NGF count.

Of the original 58 madly-in-love participants, after 12-24 months, 39 self-reported they were in the same relationship but were no longer in the same mental state.  These 39 gave blood samples to determine if their new state of mind indeed showed a new NGF number.  It did.

These 39 now had lower NGF levels.

The tingly feeling of first love is probably derived in part from Nerve Growth Factor.  NGF is one of the components of first romance. 

Obviously, Pearl does not have a degree in psychoneuroendocrinology.  But, I scrutinized this article.  I could not find out what happened to the other 19 participants of the madly-in-love test group.  Did they break up?  Or were they still feeling madly-in-love after 24 months?

I have found that others have taken the liberty to conclude that this study points to a loss of ‘tingling’ around 24 months of being in-love.  The in-love feeling subsides and the task of long term bond building begins. 

Misled?

So, did I mislead you, beautiful readers, when in Week 6 of our Sex Drive Transformation I encouraged you to reconnect with your visceral tingle of desire?

The automatic tingle of first love may be dampened or have disappeared completely.  But, I do believe when we reminisce and pursue emotional and recreational connection with our husbands, this spark can be re-ignited.  It just may be a rare instance.

Is the tingle our ultimate goal (tingle being totally different from orgasm)?  Yes and No.  Sexual Intimacy is much more enjoyable for ladies if we have physical sensation of desire.  It’s so much easier to be swept away in the moment when the juices are flowing.  However, there are those who experience no initial physical sensation (no tingle of desire or orgasm).  Sexual intimacy for them contains more spiritual and emotional aspects. 

I have experienced both, tingle and no tingle.  When no-tingle is prevalent, intentionally nurturing sexual intimacy is crucial.  It involves a lot of time together outside of the bedroom, conversing, running errands together, playing with the kids as a team.  Date nights are important, but I know sometimes they are hard to come by.

My ‘heart’ must occasionally be sending out NGF like Roman Candles.  Because, on rare days, the tingle hits unexpectedly.  Like, when Mr. Muscle walks out of the bedroom in his starched white shirt and tie and puts on his black top coat to leave for a business meeting.  That’s when he goes to work leaving something turned-on at home.

Maybe not for all, but I believe the tingle can be re-encountered.

Journal of Psychoneuroendocrinology:  April 2006

See onefleshmarriage.com:   Defeating Delayed Desire