~Because I wish this blog to give women HOPE through the grit of life, I welcome personal stories of faith victory. Please welcome my soul sister, Jewelfish. She has been refined through life experiences different than my own. I have invited her to impart HOPE anytime she wants here on the OysterBed. I admire her courageous optimism and tenacious beautiful faith. We have been friends for years, starting out as fellow counselors at church camp. I always feel uplifted in her presence. I hope you do, too, as you read her words……
Last year, Mr. Tiburon, my husband, and I had a moment of ultimate joy and deepest sorrow as a couple. After a whirlwind trip to the “Big Easy” for business (and lots of romance) we found out that we were expecting our first child! This came with more happiness than you can imagine! Knowing that I would have fertility problems way before I even got married, we tried for over five years to get pregnant. This included trips to a fertility endocrinologist that eventually gave up on us and having surgical procedures and lots of drugs to correct the issue to no avail. There had been so many years of prayers, and crying out to God for us to have a baby…and here we were! I couldn’t wait to do some sweet, extravagant plan to tell my husband that we were expecting! As soon as I saw those two pink lines, I ran out of the bathroom in a frenzy of crying and laughing and nearly gave Mr. Tiburon cardiac arrest! We made sure to ask the doctors if we could tell anyone and we were given the okay, so we called the ecstatic family and friends. Sisters at church even had a get together in thanksgiving and prayer of blessing on our baby in our honor. It was so special and I was so excited to finally fulfill my dreams of being a mom.
Things started to go wrong. I will never forget those days of fear and worry. I ended up having a miscarriage. Looking back, my husband was so full of faith and strength where I worried about every move I made. I never knew how long of a process that a miscarriage would be! The hours in the hospital…days of waiting on phone calls from the doctor… three weeks of tests and blood work just to tell me the inevitable that I knew in my soul was like a band aid being ripped off over and over. The doctor said that we could start trying after one cycle, so we went back to tracking ovulation and counting days. Since that was what worked for us before, it was natural that we would just get back into the swing of things! I never knew that the grief process would take so long for me, though.
There were times where I became so overtaken by grief that the everyday routines became painful. It was excruciating to see people who kept announcing their own pregnancies or stories on the news of parents abusing their children. Work had even become miserable. I thought I had gotten much better until I had to face what would be my due date. Mr. Tiburon was so patient and strong. But, I became resentful of the time he spent at work, not being available for the ovulation time table. I was angry that he didn’t understand that I couldn’t wave a magic wand, make a wish and become pregnant. I knew that God would answer prayer, but he also put a biological plan in place for it to happen. I knew I wasn’t Mary and conceive immaculately!
After months of going through the motions, crying and resentment, we finally talked about how we each felt about the miscarriage and how it was affecting our relationship. Some people are able to use loss to bring them together and for others, loss becomes a wedge. We were determined not to let it keep us from having a fulfilling marriage. Mr. Tiburon let me know that my “tracking” took away the romance and made our time together less intimate and more robotic. I made a promise to not use my ovulation test for two months and he would make the necessary changes to free up more time and spend it with me. I even left my job as a preschool teacher to work in our office so that we could build our business together. We promised each other to be proactive in finding ways to be together and spice things up. The biggest promise we made is to be thankful for what God has already blessed us with…a marriage that is focused on Him. Whether we have children or not, our vows will stand strong through it all.