There was a time if you wanted to see the worst in me, you only had to say, “Get over it! Have sex with the poor guy.”
I don’t like being told what to do. Now, if you ask me, Mrs. Congeniality shows up. Just sayin’.
But still, even if I’d been asked, change wasn’t that easy. Had I been holding sex hostage? I guess I had been. Our sexual intimacy was dying from neglect.
When I realized Satan was tying his tentacles around my husband’s heart partly (only partly) because of my lack of action in the bedroom then I got stiff-necked with conviction.
Until that moment, I did not understand the great compelling force behind my husband’s need for sexual attention. That need wielded incredible power over his heart, power enough to sway his choices to the dark side.
Recently, in studying 1 Corinthians 7:5, I realized that this need is described Biblically with amazing accuracy when we look at the original Greek.
“Stop depriving each other, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control,” 1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV).
“Defraud yet not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency,” 1Corinthians 7:5 (KJV).
The Greek word akrasian = Lack of self-control. When I looked at Strong’s online concordance, the first definition for akrasia is incontinence. Incontinence gives the term self-control a different tone. Paul seems to be conceding that sexual desire may have an urgent more involuntary nature.
In no way does this excuse sexual sin on anyone’s part.
But, here’s the thought trickle…..Have you ever laughed so hard you had tears streaming down your legs? That’s incontinence. Could you have stopped it if you wanted to? Yes, if you didn’t laugh. But who doesn’t want to laugh?
Is it really so bad to have a mate who desires you? There are plenty of neglected spouses out there who would gladly tell you about their misery.
1 Corinthians 7:5 is a warning to spouses of higher drive mates. Take their need seriously; it’s urgent. It’s real and very hard to control if they are starving. Take it seriously, low-drive spouses, even if you don’t understand it.
If you don’t understand it, learn about it! Knowledge is power. Learn about the scientific, emotional aspects of what compels higher drive spouses. Problems with technique (him or her)? Investigate!
You want to make an effort? I am PROUD of you!
The high-drive spouse needs to help you with patience and gentleness and support. Talk about sex in a neutral-zone during a calm moment outside the bedroom.
I’m not talking about doling out pity sex, either. I’m talking about real, relational, staring into each other’s eyes kind of encounter. A renovated sex life includes these important, real encounters. In a way, they are vow renewals between the two of you with God nodding in agreement.
Have REAL encounters with our without orgasm. Especially if achieving orgasm is a problem for you, don’t worry about it at this point.
Here’s the cool part. When your high-drive spouse realizes that you have made a committed decision to renovate your sexual attitude and try to follow through with consistent intimacy. You’ll be married to a new person.
The high-drive spouse craves your approval, craves your desire. The high-drive spouse will be more calm and content. You’ll probably even notice a surge in smiles and eye contact, even brushing touches as you pass by in the kitchen. That grouchy tone of voice (which personally drives me up a wall) will disappear!
I know there has been a lot of bad behavior you’ve had to put up with. If you are honest with yourself, you know your spouse has probably been dealing with your bad behavior, too. You can work on improving other aspects of your marriage at the same time as improving your sexual intimacy.
I’m willing to bet that with sexual intimacy rekindled, you two will be able to work those other issues out a whole lot faster.
How would your life change if you were consistent in sexual intimacy? I can 98% guarantee it will change for the better. You’ll never know how much until you try.