When “I Love My High Drive Sisters,” published there was positive reaction from my high drive readers. Why would a low-libido blog have high drive readers? High drive wives have a tough time finding their virtual community, so they land here in desperation because I deal with libido. Although, my focus is the lower end of the spectrum, I do not want to marginalize our high drive sister’s struggle.
I’ve asked a willing high drive friend to write to you all. Anne Atwell’s voice is here to encourage my high drive readers, and to allow low-libido wives direct insight. I think it’s very important that the sisterhood of Christian women support each other. We do that by understanding we are all different and yet we are all the same.
Anne Atwell joins us again, today, for a third installment. She’s a high sex-drive wife who has agreed to share insight with other ladies who may quietly struggle with being the higher drive spouse. To read Anne’s other posts, see: “I’m Not Supposed To Love Sex, Right?”, and “When Your Sexuality Seems Out of Control.”
Let’s read what Anne has to say.
You know how you want to be pursued? You hear men singing love songs about the beautiful women they love and wish your husband did that for you. You want him to bring home flowers and he won’t. You want to be touched sexually but he’s not interested. Turn it around, sing those songs about your husband when you hear them, buy him something he enjoys (flowers, candy, etc), and give sexual touch at appropriate times. Pursue him in sexual and non-sexual ways.
Become the ardent lover. Throw rocks at your lovers window the way you wish they were thrown at yours. It’ll help channel some of your sexual energy and possibly build a new sort of connection with your spouse. I’m trying this and it has helped change my view of intimate times with my husband.
Sometimes it’s the prince that’s stuck in that tower and needs rescuing. My husband came from a home where he was not shown love. In general, our society overlooks men’s feelings and that is a shame.
How do you speak to your prince?
“Let not any hateful words come out of your mouth, but whatever is good and useful for improvement that you may give grace to those who hear,” Ephesians 4:29 (The Aramaic Bible in Plain English).
One time, at a military event taking place at a hotel, I asked a couple who I’d overheard talking about parking, where guests should park. I had to move my truck asap from the 20 minute parking zone. The woman was very helpful and told me where the attendant had told her to park, then ended our conversation with telling me how frustrated she was at her husband. He was standing right beside her.
I didn’t do more than thank her for the information. I felt bad for the guy. As I turned to leave and they got into their car, she called out the door to me, “See? He doesn’t even open my door!”
I wanted to reply, “Well you didn’t open his door did you?” but I just gave a noncommittal nod and walked away.
How do you honor your prince?
So recently, I started opening doors for my husband. It was weird at first. I’d get incredulous looks (people probably think I’m a whooped wife, ha), However, I wanted to make my husband feel respected and loved. I asked him if he was weirded out. I didn’t want to emasculate him, after all. He said it wasn’t weird.
Be in the moment with your prince.
I also try my best to be in the moment during intimate times. I was anxious, sexually, around my husband. I had all this libido but because I didn’t feel emotionally or sexually welcome for various reasons, when it finally came time to get it on I wasn’t in the mood with him.
I feel like I’ve tried to tell him a million different ways when he’s asked and when he hasn’t how to approach sex so that I’m ready to go when the time comes. He has sometimes listened but most of the time he ignores what I say and when it comes time to be together? *sigh* the times aren’t great.
Guys can orgasm so quickly without much stimulation (most can), women have certain requirements that need to be met to orgasm. It’s not a quick thing for us (okay maybe for some of you it is quick).
I had to focus less on achieving the orgasm and more on being there with him mentally. The him I loved and who was loving me. Less on what he was or wasn’t doing, and try to just delight in him. I have to say, it’s made those moments more beautiful and desirable than actually having the orgasm. If things are amiss, pray and then talk to your husband.
There are many ways to turn things around, I suggest finding out what your love language is and what his is. Then go do the things you’d want him to do for you.
Try little things if you’re feeling too hurt or angry but pray for love in your heart and get to work.
Mrs. Atwell is a high drive wife living all over with her military husband and two little explorers. Her favorite hobby is reading. If you would like to connect with Anne, she can be reached at Anne5@mail.com.
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