When “I Love My High Drive Sisters,” published there was positive reaction from my high drive readers. Why would a low-libido blog have high drive readers? High drive wives have a tough time finding their virtual community, so they land here in desperation because I deal with libido. Although, my focus is the lower end of the spectrum, I do not want to marginalize our high drive sister’s struggle.
I’ve asked a willing high drive friend to write to you all. Anne Atwell’s voice is here to encourage my high drive readers, and to allow low-libido wives direct insight. I think it’s very important that the sisterhood of Christian women support each other. We do that by understanding we are all different and yet we are all the same.
Now, let’s read Anne’s words.
Well this is frightening, outing myself as a high drive wife. I’m not supposed to love all aspects of romance and sex or think about it as much as I do right? I’m not supposed to be the one trying to initiate things with my husband only to be rejected; and if I am rejected it’s not supposed to be a big deal because all women don’t really want sex.
Except that I do love romance and sex: the melding of mind, body, and soul. And I get crushed when my husband rejects me.
I remember mentioning to a close friend that I felt sexually rabid. I sometimes hate how often I get aroused, how often I think of sexual things, and I’ve even asked the Lord to take away some of my libido so it wouldn’t be such a daily struggle and such a scar on my heart.
You thought your husband, being a male and all, would be all over you after you married. Would pester you for sex, we’ve all heard stories of women hating how much sex their husbands want right? When you were dating he was close to you (if you were okay with physical touch during courting), nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
You probably started out generous with your sexuality too, excited to build this amazing relationship and an intimate bond like no other. You do all sorts of things for your husband in the bedroom (or elsewhere) but you notice he’s just not into it like you are. He’ll go along with it sometimes, then when he’s “finished” so is your intimate time. Or maybe, he just flat out doesn’t want to have sex. “Is something wrong with me?” you ask.
You look for help and find articles geared towards men with low drive wives. If you’re like me, you commiserate with a lot of what those men go through, to a point. Maybe you mention your drive to people who you trust, like I did. The women I shared my hurt to dismissed my high drive and one told me I “just need a hug”.
But you know that’s not true. Your drive is a need. This isn’t a need like going out to eat or exercise where I could go with a friend if my husband isn’t interested in joining me. This is something only my husband can participate in.
For those with other than high drives who don’t understand a high drive, imagine you are thirsty. And you can only get water from one person. You tell that person you’re thirsty and they either ignore you or tell you they aren’t in the mood to get you water. Maybe you think, alright, I can ask later. You go about your day but your thirst is always there, always at the edge of everything you do and think. You find yourself staring at waterfalls and you see other water carriers and you want to ask them to share some water.
Okay, not getting your sexual needs met won’t kill you like not drinking water would but the intense feeling is there. It even says in the bible that husbands and wives shouldn’t withhold sex from each other.
1 Corinthians 7:4-6 Contemporary English Version (CEV)
4 A wife belongs to her husband instead of to herself, and a husband belongs to his wife instead of to himself. 5 So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 In my opinion that is what should be done, though I don’t know of anything the Lord said about this matter.
When my heart feels empty and my drive too much, probably around ovulation for me, I’ve thought, “I’ve done my part here, I’ve tried everything and have nothing more to give.”
I’ve taken it out on my husband and snapped, “I’m glad we’re roommates.” or “I didn’t marry you to be best friends and give high fives.” Very classy right? I’m sure you’ve all had your moments.
I don’t have all the answers, mind you, and my man hasn’t suddenly developed a high libido but I can say my marriage is way better than it was at the beginning. I’ll be writing one or two suggestions per post to help make this less of a struggle.
Step 1: Tell God everything.
“But I’ve prayed,” you say, “I’ve done everything I can!”
If you’ve asked God for help, great. If you’ve done all you can do, perfect. I know that one person can’t change a marriage by themselves. All positive changes I’ve seen in my sex life and marriage are because of God working.
Tell God everything that’s on your mind, unfiltered. Unburden yourself as though you were talking to a close friend. Not just a “Please help my husband want me more.” or something along those lines. I mean, that’s a good prayer too but the goal is to tell God exactly how you feel and what you think. He’s a relational God. Cry, laugh, get angry, just be honest.
I do suggest starting off with thanksgiving, as you would with any prayer.
God wants to help you. He wants your best and he wants your husband’s best. He gave you that libido and cares very deeply for you. He created sex for men and women to enjoy not to suffer in silence and shame with.
After you talked it out with the Lord, ask for His help in understanding your husband, help with being that loving wife regardless of your sex life, for help when you get sexually frustrated, help when you feel worthless and undesired, and to help you not to lust after others with your lack.
He will help you.
Mrs. Atwell is a high drive wife living all over with her military husband and two little explorers. She loves to read and write. If you would like to connect with Anne, she can be reached at Anne5@gmail.com.
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