Welcome Keelie from lovehopeadventure.com. I’m so grateful she’s taken the time to address a sensitive low-libido topic – shame. Maybe you will relate to some of what she has to say. Keelie is a sincere and sweet wife who truly wants to help marriages grow. Please read what she has to say.
Shame– it happens for many reasons- but the outcome is always negative. When you feel shame about your body, sexuality, or romance, it will keep you from having a fulfilling sexual relationship.
God gave us the gift of sexual intimacy to be enjoyed with our spouse. It is a physical representation of the way God joined you and your spouse together. When you have sex, you are worshipping the Lord.
Enter sin and shame…
When sexual sin enters the picture, shame is left behind. Whether it is your sin, or you are the victim of sin, it will keep you from having the fulfilling sexual relationship that God has for you.
What Causes Someone To Feel Ashamed of Their Sexuality?
There are many different things that can cause you to feel ashamed of your sexuality. Some of the top offenders-
Whether it is you, your spouse, or both, a promiscuous past can bring shame into your marriage. It also brings in a lot of insecurities on both sides. You might feel as though you could never measure up to what your spouse had with someone else. They could feel the same.
If you had the colorful past, you might feel as though you don’t deserve to have a good sex life now. That line of thinking keeps you from being adventurous with your lover.
If your spouse is the one that had the past, it brings a lot of jealousy in the marriage. It can cause you to withhold love and affection, because you resent what they had with someone else.
Everything from sexual molestation to severe sexual abuse will cause you to feel ashamed of your sexuality. When innocence is ripped from you, you are left holding the repercussions.
With sexual abuse, you have to train yourself to disconnect from the experience. Even though you do not want the abuse to happen, your body can experience arousal. In the abuse, you teach yourself to not feel anything.
Once you get married and are in a healthy relationship, those trained patterns surface. It goes against your nature to allow yourself to become aroused. If you start to enjoy something in bed, your instincts will tell you to shut it down.
When I was growing up, there wasn’t a name for this, or much awareness. Now…we call it street harassment. This is when a random stranger hollers out at you or follows you when you are walking down the street. Those that live in urban areas experience this more.
Since I grew up in an inner city, I dealt with street harassment on a regular basis. Men of all ages would call out to me or come up to me and say inappropriate things. I taught myself to put up defenses anytime someone let me know they found me sexual attractive as a way of keeping myself safe.
Once I got married and my husband felt like he could tell me how sexy beautiful I was, it was a big turn off for me. If I ever caught him staring at me, it would make me feel uncomfortable and I would put walls up.
Unfortunately, the shame I carried from other people’s sin caused me to make my husband feel like a creep. That put distance between us in our sex life, because he felt like I saw him as a pervert.
Body shaming takes many different forms. It isn’t just those that are overweight that experience shaming. Women that are underweight also deal with this, as well as women that have a curvy figure.
I think that a lot of women out there do feel ashamed of their bodies.
If you are overweight or underweight- then you can’t be sexy no matter what.
If you have a large chest- then you’re too sexy.
If you are just plain looking- then you’re not sexy.
I have a very womanly figure, and while my parents didn’t make me feel ashamed of my body, other people did. I think it had a lot to do with the street harassment and other parts of my past that made me feel bad about the way I looked.
Even now, I still feel ashamed of my body sometimes. When I let those feelings re-surface, it affects my ability to reach out to my husband.
Is Shame Causing Your Low Libido?
Any number of things can cause you to have low libido. I know for sure that feeling ashamed of your body, sexuality, or romance can absolutely affect your desire for sex.
Shame keeps you from experiencing freedom in your love life. You feel dirty, used, or unworthy. All of those emotions will destroy your libido. Why would you ever pursue something that made you feel that way?
I know that there was a time that I allowed my past to keep me from initiating sex and really enjoying my time with my husband. It took a lot of conversations and intentionality on both my husband’s and my part for me to work through those things.
Ever since I addressed my shame issues, I’ve found myself daydreaming of sex with my husband. That isn’t something I would have allowed myself to do before. Also, I feel comfortable initiating, because it doesn’t make me feel dirty anymore.
I encourage you to do real soul searching to pinpoint your source of shame. Once you figure it out, go to your spouse and share with them. They want to work through your issues with you so that you both enjoy your time together more.
Keelie is married to her high school sweetheart and is the mom of three awesome boys. She is a creator and loves sharing with the world around her. One of her biggest passions is to help married couples fall deeper in love with one another. You can read her marriage tips at Love Hope Adventure.
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