Orgasms make you squeamish? If you are pre-orgasmic or have achieved orgasm but arousal is difficult, it is perfectly OK for you to feel agitated or annoyed when this subject comes up.
I hear you, “Doesn’t the world focus on this enough, even the Christian sex bloggers have to join the parade?”
Orgasm is not necessary to have a spiritually and emotionally fulfilling sexual experience with your husband. You can have a meal and be nourished without dessert.
Orgasm is a chocolate chip cookie. A chocolate chip orgasm is a delectable finale. It entices you to come back to the table more often. (Added bonus, this kind of chocolate chip actually burns calories!)
Sexual intimacy melds husband and wife. Have you ever melted crayons? Heat slowly relaxes the wax, hard edges soften into creaminess. The hot liquid colors blend to make a new color. I’m red and he’s blue, together we make a deeper, richer hue. (We also make purple, but that doesn’t rhyme.)
The encouragement to pursue orgasm is to help the marriage bed have a softer, creamier feel in your mind. I know you don’t believe me, but consistent sexual fulfillment will change the entire atmosphere of your marriage. Sex is one of the gifts God gave us that has true transformative powers.
So, maybe I don’t need to persuade you and you are ready for our next step of Orgasm Exploration, inspired by International Day of Female Orgasm on August 8.
Ask your husband to watch the kids for an hour.
Pray before you begin.
We know we can pray about anything (Phil. 4:6).
Surrender yourself to God’s perfect design for your life, not just sexual intimacy.
Praise him and name the blessings he has given you.
Ask him to reveal the parts of you that need to be more like Jesus.
Allow Jesus to calm your anxiety and increase your faith.
Talk with God about your past, allow him unleash things that may not need to stay in your heart or mind.
Ask God to allow you insight into the inner workings of your husband. Ask him to bless your endeavor so you and your husband can be a more effective team in God’s Kingdom.
Draw a warm bath, add music, moisturizing bubbles, and a warming beverage (hot tea or a small glass wine, if you imbibe). Give yourself permission to relax. Empty your mind. Your husband is going to answer the phone and field all kid needs for the next hour. Take a deep breath and slowly and intentionally relax your muscles. Start with your toes, rising to the top of your head.
Give yourself permission to explore the exterior of your female bits while in the tub, including your nipples. Massage, caress and touch is essential to getting the blood flowing. Some of your parts are better felt and seen when a bit swollen.
It’s OK to touch yourself. I agree with Dr. Kevin Leman (Sheet Music), if self-exploration is for greater insight, enhancing the sexual relationship with your husband, it is quite appropriate. If self-exploration leads to arousal (possibly orgasm) this is good, it will help you to better know yourself and better guide your husband. If it leads to a highly aroused state and you do not wish to orgasm by yourself, call your husband in. I’m sure he’ll quickly comply.
When you are ready, exit out of the bath, dry off and lavishly lubricate your vulva, labia major & minor, and hands, there can never be too much lube. (I suggest coconut oil for all your lubrication needs.) Sit on the commode in a position that will allow you to use the hand mirror to reflect your vulva, labia major. Inspect them like a fine piece of jewelry. (Do this regularly to notice any changes in texture or color which can indicate health problems.)
Empty your mind of everything but the sensations.
Locate your clitoris which is a button at the very beginning of your vaginal cleft. A fraction of an inch directly above your clitoris (toward your navel) in the fleshy pad, press in a slow circular motion to find a ropy organ (clitoral shaft) trailing up from the clitoris. Remember this spot, it’s part of your clitoral complex and can heighten arousal.
Making a peace sign, place your hand so that your clitoris is at the juncture (webbing) of your index and middle finger. With one finger on either side of your labia major, press down to feel the bony pelvis under each finger. You are pressing on the area above the clitoral legs. Hopefully, you’ll feel a nerve sensation. When aroused, the clitoral legs also feel a bit ropy and delicious. It is possible to achieve orgasm from stimulating the clitoral legs alone, but you must be highly aroused.
Take a deep breath and concentrate on the sensations of the skin you are feeling.
Enjoy your beverage. Add more lubricant.
With a gentle movement, open the doors of your labia major to reveal a smooth type of skin. Continue with the second set of curtains, the labia minor. It’s color is deeper, the texture is satiny and the sensitivity is delicate and even more heightened when aroused. Use a well-oiled finger to explore this delicate region.
Below your clitoris, using your hand mirror, you may or may not be able to see three tiny holes. The largest is the urethral meatus, where urine is dispelled. To the left and right of the urethral meatus, see tiny holes for the Skene’s gland. Some women do not possess a Skene’s gland.
Explore the silky region right above the urethral meatus. When aroused, this is another place where direct stimulation can produce orgasm. It’s sometimes called the U-spot. Under this spot lies the urethral sponge.
Now, relax, stand up a bit and breathe. You are doing a great job! When you’ve had a moment, resume your position with hand-mirror and relubricate.
Let’s peak inside the vase of your flower, the vagina. The vagina is not a sphincter muscle, so the opening will not look like a round opening. It will appear as a crevice-like opening, just north of your anus. If you have a tongue depressor, you could use it to press gently against the vaginal opening and see just inside. If you don’t, that’s okay, let your fingers be your eyes.
Relax your muscles and exhale.
With palm toward your body, insert your index finger and explore. Hopefully, you will notice a differentiation between 2 types of membrane texture. There is smooth and there is rough. The rough or rippled surface is 1 – 3 inches inside the vagina on the wall toward your navel. This is the underside of your urethral sponge, G-spot. You may (or may not) find stroking it or pressing it brings about a pleasant sensation. If you feel nothing now, once you are aroused, you may find it to be pleasant (or not.)
Be gentle, but do not be afraid to deeply explore. With your index or middle finger extended all the way in your vagina, you will feel a very hard and smooth disk, this is your cervix. It extends about a half inch into our vagina, capping your uterus. Some women find it extremely pleasurable to stroke the cervix, especially the crevice that sits between the cervix and the vagina on the side toward your navel (A-spot).
Clear any thoughts, lubricate between the vagina and anal opening.
The last highly sensitive spot, is the area below your vagina and around your anal opening. Since you have just taken a bath, this should be clean for you to lightly stroke to see if there is any sensation. Even if it seems distasteful, don’t neglect this area, you may be in for a pleasant surprise.
Once complete, return to those places where you experienced the best sensations, see if you can improve the sensation with different methods of touch (patting, circular massage, or back and forth).
Orgasm exploration is different for every woman. The architecture of your female genitalia, skin texture, nerve paths, brain chemistry and wiring are all unique. What feels good for some, does not feel good for others. But, I am confident that unless you have nerve damage, something today felt good.
Take what you have learned and have a conversation with your husband, outside of the bedroom. Hopefully, this will lead to a date with your hubby to do further research.
Tomorrow, I’m going to post, How Your Husband Can Help.
A Window Into O’s, the series:
The Plumbing of O’s: The Origin of Orgasm Tissue
The Plumbing of O’s: Labia Love
The Plumbing of O’s: The Vaginal Vestibule
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: The Exquisite Clitoris and Company
The “O” Zones: The Delightful Urethral Sponge
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: Deep Spots
O Explore: understanding your bodies arousal
The Effort of Ecstasy
O Potential: How the Husband Can Help
Nurturing Your Gardenia: Helpful Hints on Reaching O’s