My heart is at the crux of my libido. I would dare say, for most females, a spike in libido is directly proportional to the amount of emotional connection we feel to our husbands.
‘Sole Mate Time’ with your sole-man is a powerful tool to energize emotional connection.
Sole Mate Time is time alone with your husband, no kids, no tv, no video games, no iphones, no blog-posting. You and your husband in conversation. Alone time isn’t just a date once a month. It’s daily and it’s quality even if brief.
My husband and I limped through the child-rearing years without realizing this lustrous nugget of wisdom. There were days when we were hardly in the same room, let alone had a private conversation. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone with three toddlers.
In the midst of the small-child years, it was hard to wrap our minds around intentionally setting aside time for connecting. However, we did work towards allotting just 15 minutes a day to either conversation or an activity.
As we honored sole mate time (soul to soul), satisfaction spilled over into other aspects of our life.
Our sex life improved. We were more patient with each other. We were more of a team in parenting. When I find time for him, He finds time for me. When he sees the value I place on him in my life, he reciprocates and shows me value by his time and attention. Gone are those pangs of ‘being taken for granted’ (which doesn’t do much for the libido).
Even now that child-rearing days aren’t as grueling, if we don’t spend quality time together, it negatively impacts our sexual encounters and attitude toward one another.
Since my husband travels for business, we have to be selective about what we allow to fill our schedules. We have the tendency to do too much. We sit down with calendars and put our time together down first before accepting other engagements.
Since the heart is the crux of a woman’s libido, Sole Mate Time, is imperative.
This may seem frightening for the full-time career person, juggling kids/church/civic activities, or the homemaker who has over-committed her schedule with a million volunteer hours. Where do you find sole mate time? How can one more thing fit into this busy schedule?
I hear your sighs and see your rolling eyes.
FIRST, Let’s UN-BUSY
First, Let’s un-busy and work toward sole mate time. HOW? Take stock of the activities that are in your life. Here are some sample questions to ask of yourself:
Your personal relationship with our Lord and Savior, takes ultimate priority. But, do you really need to serve on four committees at church? Would serving well on one committee free up time? “Well, who would do it if I ‘retire,” you ask. I say, if it needs to be done, God will fulfill it. PRAY about your choices and decisions.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight,” Proverbs 3:5-6.
Do you really need to be the team mom for each of your children’s teams?
Does every child really need an extra-curricular activity?
Can the kids help you with more chores around the house?
Is too much priority put on a clean house? (OK, I confess, sometimes I take ‘cleanliness is next to Godliness’ to obsessive lengths.)
Can I learn to disconnect from the office after work-hours?
Am I being an over-achiever and spending too much time analyzing projects? (Yes, I realize in this day of scarcity of employment, being a valuable employee is crucial.)
I had a very dear friend confess to being a workaholic. She finally came to the conclusion that she had to relinquish her work-zeal for her family’s emotional health. She prayed that God would give her the serenity of just ‘doing enough.’ He was in control of whether she retained her job or not. She just trusted. She’s still employed.
Don’t feel guilty that you are taking time away from the children. Remember, strong marriage mentoring is the best thing you can do for you children. I pray most of your kids will be married for more years than they will be living in your house. Think to their future.
Don’t be afraid to unravel yourself from too many committments. I found myself stuck in a quandry not wanting to upset anyone by giving up volunteer hours. I finally realized my husband was worth far more than a few ruffled feathers.
Give yourself time to clear your plate. It took me two years to pare down the activities of my life.
There is an added bonus to clearing your plate. Not only are you able to spend more time with your husband, now there’s less stress to squelch your libido.
Optimize your Sole Mate Time
1) Understanding Male Mode of Communication
God made our men special and unique. They process emotion different because of their brain chemistry and relying more on brain stem (fight or flight) activity. Basically, men are less talk, more do.
The majority of males have less verbal processing centers, around 2, compared to the female who has 6 or 7. Males have 25% smaller corpus callosum (the bundle of nerves connecting the right and left brain hemispheres). Because of this, men don’t connect as many feelings and thoughts into words. The male verbal processing centers are on the left side of the brain. If emotional crosstalk is needed between the two hemispheres, it’s going to happen slower or maybe get lost in translation.
Conversation does not have to be frustrating for the verbal and emotionally driven wife. Simply shift your expectations. This does not mean lower your expectations. Just realize that your mister may need more time between sentences to process what you’ve said.
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person,” Colossians 4:6.
Just like the song in Music Man, ‘Peck a Little, Talk a Little,’ conversation between females can sound like barnyard ruckus to a less talk oriented male. It helps to slow your talking pace.
Just because he’s a slower processor doesn’t mean he’s deficient. He’s a perfect complement to our female nature. Slowing down is a good thing for everybody.
After making your statement or question, wait for him to respond. Don’t jump in because you are impatient.
2) Divest of Yourself, Invest in Spouse
This is a two way street; Wives need to divest themselves of thoughts of work, children, home responsibilities and the cares of the day to focus solely on her husband. The husband needs to turn off the iphone, disconnect from work in every technological way and not think about the big game on ESPN.
Dr. Willard F. Harley recommends we spend 15 hours a week giving each other undivided attention. Which averages out to 2 hours per day. However, if this seems ambitious, shoot for 15 minute per day, but try to make it more.
The more Sole Mate Time you devote to your marriage, the greater the emotional connection and desire to connect in the bedroom.
Although it’s WIN- WIN, it’s not easy. It takes creative thinking, follow-through, and saying no to some things.
- Create a safe environment, where it is mutually agreed upon that if sensitive subjects are discussed it will be done so with calm (digging deep to find your inner adult) demeanor. Keep a good tone of voice.
- Discuss hopes and fears of the day, week, month, year.
- NO Judging. Think back to the days of when you were first dating. Everything and anything was divulged and you didn’t flinch an eye. Discuss, don’t dis…as in disrespect.
- If working around kids, get up a half hour before them. Or is there time between when they catch the bus and when you have to leave for work? My husband and I discovered morning coffee. Well, first, he had to develop a taste for coffee.
- If the only time you can chat is while you accomplish a task (such as yardwork, doing dishes, going to grocery, etc.), then utilize that. But, optimally, it should be a more relaxed setting.
- And Sole Mate Time with joint prayer can sky-rocket your connection.
“Is anyone among you troubled? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective,” James 5:13-16.