(Disclaimer: The target audience of this post is a wife who has a lower sexual desire than her husband and the issues within the marriage mainly stem from differing sexual expectations.)
Marriage should be full of HOPE not harassment. A united and relaxed atmosphere helps the stress of a messy life.
My husband and I have experienced a season of unfulfilled marital sexual intimacy and we’ve experienced a season with better sexual intimacy. (And for the record, I was the one holding us back and I still don’t get it right all the time, but I try.)
Having experienced both, I can tell you there is a relaxed ambience with better sexual intimacy. Problems still arise, but we have cooler heads to work through them. If the different aspects of marriage are a potpourri of scents, then sexual intimacy is the pretty little dish holding the aromatic potpourri. I now understand sexual intimacy is supportive.
The most satisfying seasons of marriage are when both spouses are working on fulfilling the other, even when the other’s need is not intuitive. I write about libido because for awhile, it was counter-intuitive.
To Establish Understanding
A study conducted in 2001 at Case Western University states when looking at the averaged numbers, “All evidence we have reviewed points toward the conclusion that men desire sex more than women.” Their conclusions lean toward a biological reason, but culture does play a role.
Case Western found higher testosterone equals higher sex drive. No studies were found by Case Western to link higher testosterone to lower sex drive. (Testosterone is a libido regulator)
Male sexual need may not be understood emotionally by the average wife. I sure didn’t get it. I knew academically that sexual need was more important to him. The turning point was when the academic evolved into a heart-understanding. His urgency was finally grasped as an emotional essence, not just physical.
That’s how God made the wonderful human male. See Why Sex? for the brain chemistry of male bonding through orgasm.
Could this emotional essence play a role in why the pornography industry brings in more revenue than the NFL, NBA and Major League Baseball combined, according to statistics at covenanteyes.com?
Some would refute that all men are created with the same urgency. I would agree. But, the vast majority of men do have this urgency of need.
How can a wife begin to understand this need as emotional and not just physical? See this post at focus on the family, Sex is an Emotional Need, and this one at Marriage Missions International, Husband’s Sexual Needs Man or Monster. The second one has a great paragraph correlating female chocolate craving and male sex craving.
Discussion for me is how I connect with Mr. Muscle. I like to probe his mind and heart and hear his words. But, this was not easy for him at first.
My heart-understanding of his urgent sexual need began to take shape when I realized how much I craved conversation and how disappointed I was when he wasn’t ‘in the mood’ to talk.
Could he be feeling the same kind of whole-being-rejection when I wasn’t ‘in the mood’ for sex?
Paragraph for the husbands.
Chances are, guys, what your lovely lady needs most from you isn’t sexual. (She only has about 1/8th the testosterone level you have.) She probably needs more positive words, conversation, and non-sexual touch from you throughout the day. She needs more non-sexual playtime together just the two of you.
When you seek out what fulfills her (not projecting what you want onto her) and work towards meeting those needs, that also enhances the ambience of the marriage. However, husbands, there wives who have a higher drive. If you are the low-libido spouse, you may need to have an open-dialogue about expectations with your wife and how things can be healed.
Husbands and Wives don’t always understand each other. We just need to trust the Lord that he designed us to be better together.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not upon your own understanding,” Proverbs 3:5.
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