“I’m about to get married next month and I have no clue about sex. What do I do? What will it feel like? Even though I had the sex talk in school, it still all seems very mysterious to me. I’m a virgin. Plus, I’m scared it’s going to hurt. Can you spell out the basics of sex for a nervous Christian bride and give me advice for my wedding night to avoid pain? How do I flip the switch after all these years of, “No!” screaming in my head?”
The unknown is scary especially an unknown that involves being naked and vulnerable. However, you have a lot of courage inside you, just asking this question is brave!
Because your wedding is coming up soon, I am going to answer your question in parts through a couple of different posts instead of one long one. I can get them published faster that way. You might want to have him read along, too.
How to flip the mental switch.
Your heart will follow what your mind tells it. So, say these things often in your mind before (and after) your wedding night.
1. God says, “Yes!” to married sex. He designed sex. God grins and gives a great big ol’ nod to marital sexual intimacy. As weird as this sounds, Ephesians 5:32 tells us he designed sex to be a metaphor for the kind of intimacy he wants to have with us. Here are 25 more reasons God says, “Yes!” to sex.
2. It’s OK for godly women to be sexual. Women who love God are not sinning by enjoying or participating in sexual activities of many and various kinds with their husbands. You can be Christian and sexy! Our Shulamite sister in the Song of Solomon sure was. FYI – The Song of Solomon is a great book to read a few days before your nuptials. There are metaphors a-plenty in that book!
3. God made sex to be pleasurable for both wives and husbands. He built into wives the equipment to experience pleasure (see clitoris & company). Men seem to have an easier time figuring out how to experience this pleasure but you are still very capable of it, too.
4. Give yourself permission to relax and laugh Relax! Laugh! Easier said than done, I know. But let this soak into your heart. Your new husband loves you dearly and is probably as unsure as you about how your wedding night will unfold. Have a light heart, let go of the serious attitude. Stuff may go wrong. Noises may be emitted. Sexual intimacy can be a romance, but oftentimes it’s a romantic comedy.
5. Your experience will not be like a Hollywood sex scene. Let me tell you, no one’s is!!! Real life sex involves telling each other to move here or there because you can’t read each other’s minds. Real life sex involves missing the target. Real life sex involves tired muscles and repositioning. Real life virgins don’t always orgasm their first time. And all of this real life stuff is OK. It’s part of how you and your sweet new husband are going to build memories together. Memories only the two of you share.
I Remember the first time I changed a diaper. The baby was squirming and I was trying to contain ‘things.’ I generally felt awkward and didn’t know what I was doing. But, you know what, I proceeded. I eventually managed to get the baby’s butt covered to once again protect the carpet and my clothes from bodily fluids. The important thing is I didn’t feel any shame or guilt from the awkwardness. I knew I did a fairly good job and would learn to get better at diapering. I had lots of nieces and nephews to practice on.
Maybe that is a horrible analogy. But, what I’m trying to get at is this experience may be awkward at first. But, you and your young groom are in this together. You’re a team. Chances are he’s going to feel awkward, too. Shame and guilt are not a part of the equation.
The gift of sexual intimacy isn’t about the act itself. The gift is in the journey of learning to relate to each other and love each other as you are building your sexual experience. It’s just one facet of how you should build your entire marriage, inside and outside of the bedroom.
My last piece of advice is to not ask each other, “How was it?” or, “Was it good for you?” or any kind of evaluating question. Only have encouraging things to say to each other. If you must have an evaluation of your performance, have that conversation over breakfast the next morning and frame it in the most positive way possible to help each other grow. Remember, it’s a work in progress. You will learn, just keep asking, keep seeking, and keep knocking and growing in your sexual relationship the entirety of your marriage.