I was asked recently what advice I would have given myself as a bride.  I’m sheepish to admit that I don’t fully remember my answer.  But, I really hope it was something along these lines.

I wish I’d had a clue about the full meaning of sexual intimacy.

Of course, I knew the mechanics.  And at that time of life, I had luscious biology going for me.  It filled my newlywed days with loud cravings for sex.  Even though I deeply loved my husband, I couldn’t “hear” anything other than physical satisfaction.  However, when the din of hormones quieted.  I found deeper meaning.  (This is my experience and is not to say you can’t find deeper meaning in the midst of luscious biology.)

Sex is glorified in the media as fast and furious and so inconsequential it can be done with any ol’ person, even a friend with benefits.  But, hear me, it is so much more than that.

It’s my deepest wish that I can help other newlyweds to understand the exquisite gravity sexual intimacy holds.  It’s one of Satan’s favorite tools.  He doesn’t want us to fully understand.  (See 5 Reasons Satan Targets Marriage)

I wish I would have realized that married sex is the fullness of all things spiritual.

It is the essence of love, peace, joy, gentleness, goodness, patience, kindness, self-control, and faithfulness (Galatians 5:22&23).  If God is with us everywhere, he is also in our bedroom during the ‘act of marriage.’

However, God cannot look upon sin (Habakkuk 1:13). Because of this, my other experiences before marriage were without the presence of God.  That’s why I felt so shallow and empty.  I was looking for God in the arms of men I wasn’t married to.

I didn’t understand that with the sanctification of the covenantal vows, sex becomes weighty with wonder because it’s experienced with the approval and presence of God.  (See: I Love God’s Glory in the Bedroom)

My pre-marital sexual experiences left me feeling used.  I brought those feelings into my marriage.

But, my new husband was not using me.  He made the ultimate commitment to me and now was conversing with me physically.  He was baring his soft underbelly of emotion every time we made love.

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I wish that I had understood that sexual intimacy is an emotional experience for my husband. 

Fortunately, it has evolved into an emotional experience for me, as well.

Sex isn’t just about your nether regions joining.  Sex is just as much about your spiritual and emotional selves joining.

(Listen to: Guy Talk: The Importance of Sex)

Sexual intimacy is like pixy dust that lightly lands on all areas of your marriage and gives it a little sparkle.

Sexual intimacy is like pixy dust that lightly lands on all areas of your marriage and gives it a little sparkle. Click To Tweet

The temptation of selfishness sneaks in when a marriage becomes sexless.  Not just infidelity, but the temptation to exclude your spouse from other important decisions of your everyday life.  Without the protection of being deeply connected, personal preference may wrongly trump the one-flesh nature of marriage.Pixy dust

As a young bride, I couldn’t have fathomed a married life without sex because I had a physical hunger for it.  However, as time goes on, there can be changes.

It would have been good for me to understand:

~ If the physical yearning fades, keep pursuing and nurturing your sexual intimacy.

~ If there is disillusionment in your spouse, keep pursuing and nurturing sexual intimacy.  (I’m not talking about abusive behavior of any kind, just the disappointments of life lived with a human being that isn’t perfect.)

~ If one spouse is lower drive and the other higher drive, patience and grace is extended as solutions are created to the benefit of both (one-flesh compromises).

~ If there are problems in the marriage bed, you speak about them out loud, gently, over coffee somewhere.

~And, as sacred as sex is, you can have a lot of fun with it, too!

Growing up, my mom fostered a positive view of sexual intimacy.  I just didn’t know that to neglect the marriage bed was to neglect the relationship.  Then a cycle can grow, because if you neglect the relationship outside of the bedroom, you are also neglecting the atmosphere of life for sexual intimacy to thrive.  The other thing I didn’t realize the spiritual nature of sexual intimacy.  (Listen to this podcast about Rethinking Sexuality.)

As weird as is it is for my kids to know that their mom is a Christian intimacy writer (a.k.a. sex blogger), I feel strongly enough about their future covenant that I’m risking dedicating this to my son, the groom, and his bride.  They seal their life together in 2 days.

It’s my fervent prayer that their relationship and YOURS thrive.  Not just for personal happiness, but for the growth of God’s Kingdom.  We need more young couples carrying Christ’s banner with joy and smiles.

And to help you understand that God celebrates and approves of married sex, see 25 Reasons God Made Sex Really Good.

Newlyweds, understand the full meaning of sexual intimacy. From the heart of a low libido wife who has discovered some truths about sexual intimacy. These truths helped her rediscover her desire to connect more fully with her husband.

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