My heart has been touched by recent emails I’ve received from men who are desperately in love with their wives and hurting. Their wives do not realize the importance of sexual intimacy. A few claim to want to increase sexual encounters, but are just not following through.
One loyal and loving husband asked, ‘How do I inspire her to restore her libido?’ A less genteel man may have asked, “How do I make her have more sex with me?”
If you’ve been married any amount of time, you know that you can’t make your spouse do anything. Well, maybe you can, but a begrudging attitude will emanate from your spouse and will build into full blown resentment.
There’s no sales pitch that will immediately get me to jump in the sack. The most enthusiastic infomercial spokesperson will not inspire me to do anything. It may inspire the contrary. I’ll dig my stubborn heels in further. Is this wrong of me? Yes. Stubbornness is part of my sinful human nature. It does not embody the ‘life of love’ mentioned in Ephesians 5:1.
“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us.Love like that,” Ephesians 5:1-2, the message.
…He didn’t love in order to get something…..
How to inspire your wife’s desire? The answer to this is multi-faceted, just as complex as the woman you have married. BUT, it boils down to a verse in the above scripture. “He didn’t love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of himself to us.”
The greatest change within my heart occurred as I saw my husband, Dave, making monumental changes within his. His change inspired my change. He squelched his knee jerk reactions to become more Christ-like. Which led me to ponder if I could change?
He didn’t make me change. It could not even be defined as enticement or persuasion. He profoundly influenced me.
You can profoundly influence your beautiful wife, too. She married you because there was a tremendous amount worthy of respect inside you.
She always looks up to you. But, know that it’s easier to have influence on her when your attitude isn’t callous or grumpy.
…but to give everything of himself to us.
Give everything of yourself to your wife, everything of your heart. For some men, this is more dear than their wallets. For some men, sharing of the heart is a near impossible task. But nothing is impossible with God!
My husband came from a household that exhibited limited emotions (some joy, mostly anger). So, in order for him to relate to me emotionally, it took painstaking work. He had to learn to define more subtle emotions. How could he be emotionally intimate with me if he didn’t understand the parameters?
It’s like sailing and not having the skills. He desperately wanted to sail into adventure with me, so he spent hours perfecting the skills. He studied emotions from a list and tried to apply them to his day. Then over coffee in the morning, he tells me how he’s feeling using emotion words.
The biology of the male brain makes it difficult to consider and verbalize emotions. Dave’s pain became tangible as he fully immersed in trying to connect with me emotionally. He sacrificed being emotionally comfortable in order to grow. I would compare it to me taking a calculus-based physics class.
I was awestruck when I realized he was tackling this overwhelming endeavor to better himself and become more Christ-like. Christ was very in tune with his heart. My husband’s effort wasn’t a ploy to manipulate me into more sex. It was so my husband could become the best man he could be.
…love like that…
Husbands may wonder, “What’s the big deal about sharing my emotions?” Wives thrive on knowing you emotionally. It builds our trust. Think of it as ‘emotional libido.’ Wives don’t necessarily need the physical aspect of sex-drive in order to engage. The heart-string connection is enough to inspire lovemaking. I raise my hand in testimony to this.
It won’t take long for emotional intimacy to reappear once you start thinking about it.
Set aside quiet time to delve into God’s Word.
Pray more consistently with your wife, out loud.
Go out on a date with your wife, showing her preference and speaking lovingly.
Work on becoming emotionally intimate with your wife. Being emotionally intimate does not mean a big gripe session, either. It means laying aside the conflict and searching for a way to connect on a heart level with your wife.
It is sharing and listening without judgement. You aren’t her father. She’s not your mom. Remember back to your dating days and how easy it was to share without trying to tell each other how you should feel.
Be brave in verbalizing your feelings, passionate or subtle, to your wife.
Just a small example of what emotional openness includes:
….letting her know when things are frustrating,
….when things make you satisfied,
….when circumstances are annoying,
….where you find contentment,
….how your wife makes you feel good and whole.
Every husband is different. Maybe emotional sharing without judgement isn’t a problem in your marriage. However, if you are experiencing a spark-less bedroom, can you pinpoint where you can become more Christ-like?
Please see: Emotion’s List
Courageously sail into the adventure, husbands. Learn to navigate the seas of Christ’s extravagant love. You may just catch the fish of a lifetime called ‘emotional libido.’
Oh, how I wish Mr. Muscle could tell you his story. But, he says business development is his gift and writing is mine. So, he considers what I write to be ‘our words.’ AND, please know we are not perfect, we both can get ornery at times.
Our morning ‘feelings exercise’ comes from Dr. Doug Weiss’ book, “Sex, God and Men.” Please link here to support themarriagebed.com’s ministry.
Ladies are not off the hook. OysterBed7 focuses on the low-libido lady. There are many posts about her responsibility in improving sexual intimacy in her marriage and what active steps she can make.
Please read Kate’s view (of onefleshmarriage) on women and sex in her guest post at Square1: A Woman’s View on Women and Sex
Other ways for men to connect with their wives at the-generous-husband: The Change She Would Like to See
Book Recommendations for her: Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of their Husbands by Gary Thomas Please use the link included and shop through the-generous-wife.com. It will benefit their marriage ministry. THANK YOU!!!