Let's enjoy a swim in the Tidepool and share laughs and tears about how these struggles have shaped

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Words of Wisdom: Why I worked harder to understand sex


I am a member of the Christian Marriage Blogger’s Association.  In the month of October, we have been challenged to share Words of Wisdom we've learned from:  Family, Bible, Friends, Blogs & Books.

Today, I share wisdom I learned friends.

A couple of good friends of mine have divorced.  What I gleaned from them astounded me.

Deep in the middle of the slamfest, before divorces were final, my friends were hurling insults and accusations.  The other spouse was worthless and had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  They never loved them in the first place.  They only got married to get out away from their family of origin.  Or, they only got married because she was pregnant.  Or,...the reasons could be endless.

With a couple years of post-divorce clarity under their belts, these same friends have admitted it was partly their fault.  They had loved their ex-spouse.  Maybe they could have worked harder.

They could have worked harder….

My friends didn’t know they were encouraging me to work harder.

Dave and I understand how divorce happens.  We were at a point in our marriage where things could have gone down a very ugly road.  But, at the crossroads we chose to work.

I’m not some Wonder Wife, really I’m not!!  (Just this morning I messed up, again.)  What I've got going for me, is I know how to work.  I bet you have work-willingness going for you, too.  You just have to be motivated to want to work for a person you are in conflict with.

How do you get motivated to work for a husband you don’t really like at the moment?  You realize that working for the marriage is honoring God.  You set your mind on what is above, not what is on earth (Col. 3:2).  You put to death your selfish self which is the need to be justified and served. 

You realize at the core of your husband still pumps the heart you love.  It’s just buried under heaps of hurtful junk.  Hurt you both have a hand in.  You put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another (Col. 3:12).

I worked harder by trying to understand he had different ways of thinking, processing emotion and had differing opinions from me and it was OK.  We both had to embrace the phrase, “unity does not equal conformity.”

I worked harder by trying to understand sex from a positive point of view.  I tried very hard to not just listen, but hear my husband’s view point about sex.  I had to learn to trust him when he said sex was important to him.  I could no longer marginalize sex just because it wasn’t important to me.  If it was important to him, I had to make it important to me.

I had to undue false religious beliefs about sex and replace them with truth.  I had to see sex as ‘emotion in motion,’ not just physical release.

Maybe if my friends had worked harder at understanding sex, their conflict wouldn’t have escalated to the point of no return.  Did they have sexless marriages?  I don't know.  I’m only guessing that sex was part of their demise.  That topic didn't come up.  

These conversations were pre-Oysterbed7 or else I would have tried to talk about it.  In our hard season, I had no one to talk to about sex and low libido.  When I tried to start a conversation with my church lady friends there were more snide comments than genuine concern.  That told me a lot of other Christians are having trouble with sex, too.

But, I digress…

How could you work harder for your marriage?


Above all, put on love – the perfect bond of unity (Col. 3:14).

(There are scriptural reasons for divorce.  I am in no way advocating remaining in an abusive marriage.  This is meant to encourage those in ‘good-willed’ marriages that are experiencing a season of extreme discord.)


If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!  Please see why sex is my focus, peruse the archives and don't forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Music for the Native American Bedroom


Why have I been posting unusual music offerings every Wednesday? 

According to a Stony Brook University study, variety and excitement are the cornerstones of marital satisfaction.

I found that when a song I'd never heard before played on Pandora during a rendezvous (and I liked the music), the 'fun factor' and 'heat quotient' fluttered to a higher level.  In other words, the new music did something for me!  Stony Brook University's findings are right on track.

That is why I am offering you different types of music to sample.  You may not like all the selections, and that's fine.  However, something may surprise you in a good way. Listen with an open mind.

I welcome music suggestions, please email me at pearlmail3@gmail.com.

For today's consideration:

Sacred Spirit
Chants and Dances of the Native Americans

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK_0dzhLBio

Links to previous Bedroom Soundtracks:


If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!  Please see why sex is my focus, peruse the archives and don't forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)
Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner
Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Motherhood Can Be All Consuming

Today, I want to introduce you to Abra Carnahan of Mere Breath.  She's a sincere and spunky wife and mama of 4.  What inspires me about Abra's marriage is their committment to each other and to the Lord through some tough seasons.  Abra sets the stage today with honesty.  

Join us next Tuesday when Abra offers ways to juggle motherhood and the marriage bed. 



Ben and I were married on July 17, 2004. He was 22 and I was 20. We had been dating for 2 years and were eager to tie the knot. In the months that followed, we lived to lie naked in each other's arms. We were both working and he was still in college, but whenever we were alone our pants hit the floor! We'd set our alarm to wake us up an hour early, we'd meet at home for lunch, go to bed late and still found energy to wake one another up for a little somethin' somethin' in the middle of the night. 

Then along came our children...

Despite having difficult pregnancies, Ben and I absolutely love being parents! Ophelia was born before our second wedding anniversary and was an incredibly relaxed baby. She slept through the night, in her room, at three days old. We had recently moved across the country for Ben's teaching career. The work satisfied his soul and kept him on his toes. I found the privilege of staying home with Ophelia delightful. I remember wondering why people said motherhood was difficult...

Then along came Miss Mira. She was diagnosed with colic and rarely slept. That year Ben also became especially busy at work. We'd roll in to bed at night overwhelmed and completely exhausted. Somewhere in the midst of the chaos, we forgot to prioritize each other and, consequently, lost our unity. Gradually we transitioned into living as roommates instead of friends and lovers.

In Genesis 2, Eve is presented to Adam. He saw her nakedness and said, “At last, here is one of my own kind – Bone taken from my bone, and flesh from my flesh. 'Woman' is her name because she was taken out of man.” (vs 23) and then Scriptures states, “That is why a man leaves his father and his mother and is united with his wife, and they become one.” (vs 24).

This year Ben and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary, but we came close to never making it past the six year mark. 

In May of 2010, we decided together to drop everything (his career, our home, our lives in Maryland) and move back to Idaho, where we could be near family and attend our former, well established, church. I was pregnant again and my condition was steadily becoming more severe. We moved into a tiny apartment and Ben accepted a job that kept normal hours. Friends and family graciously babysat often so we could be alone together. 

We began getting regular counseling from our pastor. Together, we waded through the rubble of our marriage and began to lay a stronger foundation. It is amazing what solid teaching, sleep, and accountability can do for a relationship. Our marriage has strengthened dramatically over the last couple years. When our son, Jude, was just 7 months old, we got pregnant again with our last baby, Liam. I was the most sick I'd ever been but, unlike before, Ben and I both worked hard to keep our relationship strong. Today we are closer and more in love then we were when we said “I do” a decade ago.

In Mark 10:8-9, Jesus reminds us again that we are “to become one” in marriage, “No human being must separate, then, what God has joined together.” Jesus is talking about marital infidelity. We need to understand that when our work, our children or ourselves become more important then our marriage, we are being unfaithful to our spouse and violating the covenant we made before God.

There is a poem called Song for a Fifth Child. It is about a mom who allows all her housework to slide so she can focus on her baby. The closing verse is, “Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, but children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.” Our youngest will turn 3 this spring, so it is easy for us understand the truth and importance in the poem. 

However, something we've learned is that marriages, like babies, don't keep either. 

Relationships cannot pause. When you stop drawing closer to someone, you begin to drift apart. Strong marriages aren't accidents. Any marriage left unattended for long will have divorce looming on the horizon. We need to be intentional about cultivating a healthy relationship with our spouse.

A fundamental approach to protecting your marriage from infidelity is by engaging together in sex, freely and frequently. Sometimes it is particularly easy for mothers to forget the importance of this. I did. Motherhood quickly became all consuming. But God designed women, mothers, to be sexual. The importance of the sexual relationship we have with our husband trumps everything we do in our role as mommy. The marriage bed is a magnificent gift and we must be mindful not to neglect it.

(All scripture references are from The Good News translation.)

You won't want to miss Abra's practical applications when juggling motherhood and marriage bed.  Be here next Tuesday!



Abra and her husband, Ben, live in North Idaho where she stays home with their four young children. She is passionate about pursuing God and her hobbies: reading, archery and eating cheese. You can find her at Mere Breath, on Facebook and Twitter











If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!  Please see why sex is my focus, peruse the archives and don't forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Sunday, October 19, 2014

First Steps in Battling Pornography


I am the featured blogger today at, 31 Days to a Better Marriage.

October’s, 31 Days to a Better Marriage, (hosted by Carlie Kercheval at Managing Your Blesssings) features 31 different voices.  These voices speak on all aspects of marriage.

So, follow me over to Managing Your Blessings for my post, “First Steps in Battling Pornography.”  And if you haven't checked out the other offerings, yet, please do so after reading mine.  You might find a helpful tidbit.







If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!  Please see why sex is my focus, peruse the archives and don't forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Words of Wisdom: Sex Matters


I am a member of the Christian Marriage Blogger’s Association.  In the month of October, we have been challenged to share Words of Wisdom we've learned from:  Family, Bible, Friends, Blogs & Books.

Today, I share words of wisdom I learned in the Bible.

Biblical stories of sex always confused me when I was young.

I remember reading about:   The rape of Dinah; Lot’s daughters getting their father drunk to lay with him;  Samson hanging out with ladies of the night;  Judah being seduced by his disguised daughter-in-law; Amnon raping his half sister, Tamar.

The Song of Solomon shed positive light on sexual intimacy.  However, the imagery was difficult for me to grasp as one who was still innocent about ‘the way of a man with a woman.’

The New Testament seemed to prefer celibacy as the state of sexuality. 

Then there were my teenage hormones.  I liked thinking about sexual things.  Why did God put this heat inside me if sex is violent and disgraceful?

I finally realized what all these stories were teaching me.

Sex is powerful. 

It is so powerful that it can only be used for good when it is aligned with God’s perfect plan.  That’s why sexual sin is so hard to overcome emotionally and sexual violence is the epitome of evil.

God is love and he created sexual expression.  If we are to obey Jesus’ greatest commands to love God and love others as ourselves, we are going to obey his plan for sexuality.

Sex matters so much that when we ignore its power and importance in marriage, the relationship suffers.  The relationship especially suffers when sex is ignored by one and is very important to the other.

What if you have low libido or have health problems and sex is difficult for you?  Well, if your spouse needs to be sexual with you, you work together to figure out a solution.  You don’t ignore it.

The Bible has shown me that sex is powerful and it matters.  If you want to start improving your marriage's sexual expression, but aren't sure how, pray!  That's where I started.

Other CMBA 'Wisdom from Bible' offerings:
The Forgiven Wife
Becoming His Eve
The Generous Husband
Becoming the Better Man
Directed Path Ministry



If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!  Please see why sex is my focus, peruse the archives and don't forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Music for the Eclectic Violin Bedroom

Bedroom Soundtracks
Offering you samples of eclectic music
to enjoy and consider for your personal lovemaking playlist:

Black Violin (hip hop/classical)



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NUBwDtWAmk

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Finding Wisdom Elsewhere

Hello, friend!

Are you finding any tidbits of inspiration at 31 Days to a Better Marriage?  I hope that you are following me on facebook to receive the daily links!



I also hope that you have been reading the Christian Marriage Blogger Association writing challenge, Words of Wisdom (WoW).   You can find an updated list of all the participating CMBA blogs at the bottom of Food Equals Love.





Please look forward to next week's guest series by Abra Carnahan of merebreath.com.  She's a sincere and sweet gem!  She loves to share her faith and help others find hope.  She will be sharing some wonderful insight and ways to connect sexually with your husband while managing a young family.


I’m sorry today’s post is a little fluffy.  This last month has been filled with family love.  My widower father-in-law, along with his new special lady friend, visited our home a few weeks ago.  Mr. Muscle and I then traveled to Nashville to help care for our niece and nephews while their parents traveled to a Down Syndrome seminar.  Just last week, my 2 sisters and a west-coast cousin visited.  I returned to Tennessee with them to spend a few days with my invalid father. 

So, please look forward to Abra next Tuesday, peruse the 31 Days to a Better Marriage and the CMBA bloggers for today’s wisdom!  I’m home now and confidant my mojo will return.  But right now, I’m flat out too exhausted to come up with anything.  J


Follow my blog with Bloglovin

If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!  Please see why sex is my focus, peruse the archives and don't forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner