As I’ve mentioned multiple times, orgasm is not essential to lovemaking. However, if you are a low sexual desire wife, being able to orgasm is a lovely perk. For the pre-orgasmic wife, there are wonderful things awaiting.
The Task at Hand.
God supplies each of us with tasks. I used to think these tasks were only outward jobs to perform to help reach people for Christ. Now, I see our tasks are equally inward.
And some of these tasks do not fit into what a Christian typically thinks of as godly.
Pursuing an orgasm is commendable when your fears and insecurities are surrendered to God. It is godly when you fill the empty spot that fear left with trust to be a part of the marriage bed. Surrender is an act of worship, because you are saying, ‘none of me and all of you, I have faith you know what is best, Lord.’
It was very confusing for me to understand God was asking me to pursue sexual intimacy and orgasm. Really God? Isn’t that unproductive?! I could be accomplishing so much more for the kingdom outside of the bedroom.
While God chiseled away my stubbornness, he prepared my heart for a revelation. Sexual intimacy is a spiritual and emotional experience, not just physical.
The Holy Spirit brought a peace into my heart as I tried to understand God’s message. Maybe my husband’s most intimate conversation is through sex not words?! Wasn’t I craving and praying for a better connection with my husband?
God gave me the task of embracing sexual intimacy because it makes me slow down and play. He is helping me balance personally, as well as, connect powerfully with my husband. There is a time to laugh and there is a time to make love as well as a time to plant and a time to construct.
(Disclaimer: I’m not saying putting yourself aside for anything degrading or abusive. The marriage bed should never e.v.e.r involve something that goes against God’s plan.
My assumption here is that you have a kindhearted man. He tries to show you the love of 1 Corinthians 13, but sometimes his sexual frustration comes through as grumpiness.)
Back to the task at hand: Our ability to orgasm is knitted with an emotional thread. With that in mind, here are some of my thoughts on how to create an atmosphere for orgasm:
Call the Holy Spirit into one of the most hidden parts of your life, your marriage bed. Pray for true intimacy to overtake you and your husband, spiritual, emotional and physical. Allow the peace that passes all understanding to wash over you. Pray that God will increase your faith in His perfect design of marriage, which includes sexual intimacy.
Find a Trusted Friend to Pray with You
Does your orgasm struggle weigh on your heart? I will be happy to pray for you! Also, find a Christian wife (friend/mentor or counselor) to talk with. This is very delicate information and you need to be discerning in your confidante. Let her share your struggle. Let her pray over you. And if you laugh about it a little, that’s OK.
Speaking of laughing…
As I told the husbands last week, orgasm is not the goal of a lovemaking session, playfulness is. There’s nothing playful about pressure. If y’all have had some foul plays of pressure, wash those memories out of your minds.
Come to the bedroom with a cute pick-up line or a corny joke to lighten the mood. Look up jokes on the internet if you are not comically inclined.
A couple of my personal favs:
“Did it hurt?” “When?” “When you fell from heaven.”
Or “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.”
Or “Is your name Faith? Cause you’re the substance of things I’ve hoped for.”
Clean Slate. Do-Over. Maybe there are some attempts that would best be purged from the database. Every encounter is a new moment.
You have your entire life to find an orgasm. Be patient. Don’t worry about your husband either, he is going to get the fringe benefit of all the ‘jam sessions.’ He doesn’t care how long it takes.
It Takes Practice
You know that liquid inky eyeliner? I tried it. I looked like Uncle Fester by the time I got done smearing that stuff under my eyes. It took me weeks to realize I just needed to go back to a pencil liner.
OK, that’s not a good example, but you get what I’m saying. It takes practice to hone any skill. And reaching orgasm can be considered a skill.
You don’t have to be a natural, you have to be willing and have 45 minutes.
Act like you have the body your husband says you have.
Remember Fresh Start? Well, clear your mind of what you hate about your body. Doesn’t your husband love your body? Make love believing what your husband says is true. Act like you have the body you’ve always wanted.
Heightened Body Awareness
Tune into your body. Practice by massaging lotion onto your freshly shaven leg and be aware of the nerves firing and how your brain registers the smooth strokes of lotion application. Now, later in the day, replay those sensations in your mind.
Each bedroom experience, find one sensation that felt really good. The next session, find another sensation. Replay those sensations in your brain daily until you make love again.
You are learning to play the instruments of the orgasm orchestra. Your Beethoven’s 5th will finally pop after much practice.
Explore all of your territory. However, don’t worry about anything other than clitoral orgasm. The other types of orgasms will be discussed in my upcoming ‘advanced class.’
Inhibition – let it go.
In your mind, return to grade school. You’ve been antsy all day and cannot wait for recess. It is painful how slow the day is going. Finally the recess bell rings!!! Remember how free you felt? And how much noise you made yelling at your friends and screaming with laughter?
Pretend the recess bell just rang. Give yourself permission to make love with abandon. You don’t care what you look like. You don’t compose your face. You let the good feelings contort every muscle!!! Don’t hold back your sounds. It’s so awesome because you are getting to have recess with your very best friend. And he loves what you look like naked.
What can you add to this list to help create an atmosphere for orgasm? Your input is invaluable!
For further reading for the Effort of Ecstasy (Do I Make It Happen or Do We?), I will lay down some helpful physical hints to help you orgasm. Real maneuvers that can aid the explosion.
“A Window Into O’s,” look for more to come in this series:
Introduction: A Window Into O’s
Prayer: A Window Into O’s
The Plumbing of O’s:The Origin of Orgasm Tissue
The Plumbing of O’s: Labia Love
The Plumbing of O’s: The Vaginal Vestibule
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: The Exquisite Clitoris and Company
The “O” Zones: The Delightful Urethral Sponge
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: Deep Spots
O Explore: understanding your bodies arousal
O Potential: How the Husband Can Help
Create the Atmosphere for Orgasm (Helpful Hints)
Intimacyinmarriage with Julie Sibert has a great list of orgasm posts by her and other Marriage Bloggers.
Sharing with Gaye at CalmHealthySexy, Let’s Get Real Party