“I’m about to get married next month and I have no clue about sex. What do I do? What will it feel like? Even though I had the sex talk in school, it still all seems very mysterious to me. I’m a virgin. Plus, I’m scared it’s going to hurt. Can you spell out the basics of sex for a nervous Christian bride and give me advice for my wedding night to avoid pain? How do I flip the switch after all these years of, “No!” screaming in my head?”
Today, we’re discussing how to avoid pain during first-time intercourse.
Many women experience no pain.
First, I want you to consider that you may not have pain at all. Many women experience NO PAIN during their first initiation with sexual intercourse. Some women even experience pleasure.
Of the women who do experience discomfort, there is a spectrum of discomfort from a mild stretching to something more substantial.
Success in anything is 50% attitude, right? So, set yourself up for success by having a positive attitude, expecting that you will do just fine on your wedding night.
The hymen is a bit of flesh that causes panic attacks in virgin brides. In most women, the hymen is a half moon shaped membrane that covers part of the vaginal opening. Women through the ages have whispered to each other that first time intercourse is painful and bloody because of it.
I’m here to say, “Not necessarily.”
The phrase, “Popping her cherry,” refers to having the hymen torn during first time intercourse. Tearing of the hymen rarely happens if you have a kind and considerate lover. Tearing may happen with eager and inexperienced grooms. That is why it is imperative that you two discuss how HE can help you have a wonderful experience (have him read, “What do I do?”)
It’s beyond me why this delicate part of the female body is named after a man. But, it is. Hymenaeus is the Greek god of marriage ceremonies. The hymen is also called the introitus, which still isn’t a great name. (I think petunia petal would be a much better.)
Like the appendix, the hymen’s purpose is a mystery. It has been postulated that it is to help protect the vagina from bacteria.
Not all women are born with a hymen. However, if a hymen is present there are four main variations called the half-moon, the imperforate, microperforate, and septate hymens.
The half-moon is a crescent shaped membrane that sits at the bottom of the vaginal opening.
The imperforate hymen completely covers the vaginal opening. This is usually discovered when a girl reaches puberty and is unable to dispel menstrual flow.
The microperforate hymen also covers the entire vaginal opening. However, there is a very small opening in the hymen which allows drainage. This is usually discovered in the teen years when the young girl first tries to use a tampon and has great difficulty removing it.
The septate hymen has a band of tissue through the center of the vaginal opening. Again, this is discovered during puberty usually when tampons are first inserted.
The imperforate, microperforate, and septate hymen types are repaired surgically once discovered.
Only 1 – 2% of women are born with an imperforate, microperforate, or septate hymens according to a November 2014 article in the European Journal of Pediatrics. That is only 1 or 2 out of 100.
Women with imperforate or microperforate hymens will usually have them repaired by the time of marriage. The septate hymen, however, may not be discovered until later. So, I advise examining yourself to see if you have a septate hymen. If you do, go to the doctor immediately with plenty of time before your wedding.
Old wife wisdom states that bike riding, horseback riding, and childhood play activity may break or erode the hymen. There are conflicting views within the medical community about the validity of this. If only 1-2% of the women born have barrier hymens, most likely, the hymen just isn’t present in an amount to cause problems with first time intercourse.
There are plenty of women, myself and my mother included, that did not experience pain during first time intercourse. Please take this to heart. First time sex doesn’t have to hurt!
Now, I’m here to assure you that if you have never had sexual intercourse and your hymen is repaired surgically or physical exertion altered your hymen, you are still a virgin!
Ways to Avoid Pain
- Manually stretch your vaginal entrance and vaginal canal.
Beginning a month before your wedding, insert a well-oiled finger into your vagina and gently push down toward your rectum each day. After a week or so, begin to insert two fingers.
- Use plenty of lubrication.
Even though a young bride will most likely produce her own natural lubricant, having an extra supply will help things slide and glide with minimal friction on your initial experience. Be aware that you should only use water-based lubricant with condoms.
- Know that birth control can have side effects.
Using condoms? Make sure you are not allergic to spermicide or latex. How do you do this? Wear a pair of latex gloves and see if you react. Open a package of spermicidal condoms and touch a bit of the spermicide on the inside of your wrists or be bold and touch a bit to your vagina to see if there is a reaction. Also, hormonal birth control pills can affect your body’s ability to naturally lubricate, see #3.
- Go slow and remember sex is for you, too. Tell you sweet groom that your lovemaking pace should be like dial-up internet. It’s worth the patience to connect!
Relax, go slow, and get your motor running. Remember you may have no pain at all, only sweet communion in consummation! Or, there may be moments of discomfort your first time, but experiencing excruciating pain is not the norm.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF01542003 The experience of pain during women’s first sexual intercourse: Cultural mythology about female sexual initiation