The finest wine and food pairing pales in comparison to the delight of a PB&J sandwich made with soft white bread accompanied by a big ol’ glass of cold milk (unless you are lactose intolerant).
Could I eat a PB&J sandwich without milk? Yes, but it would lose a factor of deliciousness.
In How Sex is Like Peanut Butter, I made a light-hearted, but true correlation between sex and peanut butter. Fans of sex and peanut butter appreciated it. The intended audience was the low-libido spouse.
Unless a low-libido wife is very intentional, she could easily refuse a PB&J sandwich (i.e. sex). However, realizing how important peanut butter (sex) is to the sandwich (marriage) and partnering it with a delicious glass of ice cold milk (touching the low-drive spouse’s heart) can increase the craving.
The low-drive spouse supplies the peanut butter. The high drive supplies the milk. The low-drive spouse starts taking sexual intimacy seriously while the high drive spouse learns what touches the low-drive spouse’s heart and makes them feel loved.
Each individual feels loved through different actions. Love pours into me through words; shared prayer, conversation, discussing opinions and feelings, praise, jokes. Words and their tone are important to me.
Sometimes, the milk of conversation pours love into low-drive spouses.
Some low-drive spouses simply want undivided attention for a few hours a week, no distracting screens, or kind preferential treatment in a crowded room.
Some low-drive spouses just want to play tennis, want help around the house, or go on more family activities.
Some low-drive spouses just want to be questioned about their day with attentive interest, without anyone trying to fix the situation or control the other’s emotions (i.e. ‘you shouldn’t feel that way!’)
“I understand you feel ________________,” can be a magical phrase.
Are you going to completely understand the reason behind all of your spouse’s nuances? Maybe, maybe not. Male and female are just different. Even if you are a male who leans toward metro-sexual qualities, I’d lay odds that your wife is the opposite of you. In God’s mysterious way, many of us marry our opposite. Filling in the gaps, I suppose.
I assume that love pours into most high-drive spouses through physical touch and sexual intimacy. High-drive and low-drive spouse together discover what pours love into the low-drive spouse.
You see, if nurtured properly, PB&J with milk can become a sweet little habit, whether your milk is conversation, recreation, preferential treatment, etc.
It’s a choice to try to see things from your spouse’s point of view.
The low drive spouse chooses to understand sexual intimacy as an emotional act, not just a physical release for the high drive spouse. The high drive spouse chooses to understand sex doesn’t fill their spouse with love in the same way. Again I say, together the high-drive and low-drive spouse discover what pours love into the low-drive spouse.
Don’t pour love into a leaky bucket.
Pouring love into your spouse’s heart isn’t going to work if you keep shooting the heart with barbs. Barbs are things that hurt, even if unintentionally. No amount of love is helpful if it’s just dripping back out through the holes the barbs caused.
These disrespectful vinegary barbs are unloving and lets the love drip out and actually curdles the milk. Here is a list of things can do more harm than good even if you are working hard to pour in love.
Undue/unkind/not beneficial criticism (some criticism is construction, but must be approached delicately)
Talking to her as if she was a child
Not considering your spouse when making future plans
So, basically, to create a craving for sexual intimacy in your marriage it takes both partners understanding some actions you do and some actions you don’t. Even Peanut Butter can turn rancid if the gift of sexual intimacy is offered with an attitude of ‘duty’ and aggravation. Icy milk curdles when resentment shows behind the motions.
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing because to this you were called to that you may inherit a blessing,” I Peter 3:8.
For more about filling the low libido spouse’s heart see:
And this post is a message you won’t hear from the pulpit.