Having dealt with pornography in our marriage, a reader recently asked me to respond to the idea that it is the wife’s obligation to keep her husband sexually satisfied so that he won’t lust.  She asks, “What responsibility does the husband have to manage his thought life and sexual compulsion?  What responsibility does the wife have to help him?”  This is the first of three related articles.  (I realize that females also struggle with porn and lust.  But, in this article the porn viewer will be referenced as male.)

To properly respond to this, let’s first look at the big picture.

Sexual intimacy’s primary job is NOT sin management!

We can deduce this because, sex was created before Eve and Adam ate from the tree of good and evil.  Lust and sexual immorality weren’t an issue when God created sex.

Sexual intimacy was created for good.  It was not created as sin deterrent.  God designed it not only to create babies and give pleasure, but as an amazing way to consistently know and stay connected with our mate on a biological, emotional, and spiritual level.

Sex wasn’t designed with lust in mind!  God didn’t think, “Oh, my poor, weak little creatures!  They can’t control their sexual longings.  I better create a way for them to avoid that.”

No!

Sex exists to create a physical, emotional, and spiritual bond between husband and wife that is not easily broken.

“This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh,” Genesis 2:24 (HCSB).

The Hebrew word that is translated as bond also means “stick together,”  or, “cling” to each other.  Sex is a type of glue.

Physically, sexual pleasure erupts in neurochemicals that form attachment.

God’s amazing design uses touch to neurochemically bond a marriage.  With touching, caressing, and orgasm, neurochemicals are released in the brain that help husband and wife connect, like, and trust each other.

To read more of the science see: Sex and Glue, Why Sex?

Pleasure is a wonderful consequence of sexual intimacy.  However, it’s the physical side of sex where a lot of people get stuck because the tangible feelings we experience in our bodies capture attention.  There is so much more to God’s design of sexual intimacy.

It’s especially important for a husband and wife team, who struggle with porn in their marriage, to understand the rest of the story.

Remember, Sex exists to create a physical, emotional, and spiritual bond between husband and wife that is not easily broken.

 “After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church,” Ephesians 5:29-32.

This strong three-pronged connection is the profound mystery Paul speaks of in Ephesians 5:32. The three-pronged bond of sexual intimacy mirrors the deep faithful knowing of Christ and his bride, the church.  Christ intimately knows his bride, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Plus, Christ is faithful to her.

Emotionally, sex exists to create deep knowing between husband and wife.

We all want to be known.  Not the 4-million-followers-on-Instagram-popular kind of known.  Known as in being understood and accepted for the good, bad, and ugly, that is housed inside our humanness.  The person who struggles with porn desperately desires to be known and loved (See:  Why Does He Watch Porn?  Root Causes).

Let’s consider the first reference to sexual intercourse in the Bible, Genesis 4:1, “And Adam knew [yada] Eve, his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain…”

Yes, Adam knew his wife’s naked body and experienced physical pleasure with her.  However, the Hebrew word, yada, means so much more than that.

Yada means to intimately know on an emotional and spiritual level.

In Gen. 4:1, it means to intimately know through sexual relations.  This is where the phrase, “He knew her biblically,” was initiated.

However, it is used nearly 1,000 times in the Old Testament and only a few of them are sexual euphemisms.

Often, yada is used to talk about God’s relationship with us.

Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.”…He wants us to yada/intimately know him

Psalm 139:1, “Oh Lord, Thou hath searched me and known me.”

And in New Testament Greek there is a corollary of yada…..Galatians 4:9, “But now, since you know God, or rather have become known by God, how can you turn back again…”…GOD INTIMATELY KNOWS US!

I find it amazing!  A word used to express sexual relations also expresses the type of deeply known relationship God wants to have with us.  Sexual intimacy is a symbol of the relationship we were created to have with Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – deeply known and unconditionally accepted.

This idea is critical to understand for the marriage that struggles with porn and lust.  The porn viewer oftentimes substitutes orgasms for emotions, especially difficult emotions.  The porn viewer oftentimes unconsciously hides his feelings so that he is not fully known by his spouse and probably hides from God due to shame and guilt. (Helping a porn viewer develop the ability to emotionally connect on a deeper level is the topic of another post.)

Again, this directly describes Ephesians 5:32.  The deep knowing that is tied with sexual intimacy is a symbol of the deep knowing Christ has with us.

“Sexual intimacy is a powerful picture of the gospel—of the degree of intimacy and ecstasy we are capable of having with God,” Juli Slattery.

Spiritually, sexual intimacy points toward the gospel.

The gospel involves sacrifice and unmerited forgiveness (also known as grace).  Christ’s sacrifice provided a direct relationship with God, the Father.  We did absolutely nothing to earn it.

This is true love.  Romans 5:8

“We were so evil and sinful and flawed that Jesus had to die for us….nothing less than the divine son of God could save us.  But we are so loved and valued that he was willing to die for us…So the gospel humbles us into the dust and at the very same time exalts us to the heavens,” Tim Keller.

What do we do in response to this incredible news?  Apply the gospel to our lives.  Forgive as we have been forgiven and love with abandon as we have been loved with abandon.

The gospel makes no demands.  It requires nothing of us.  It is a gift that we accept.  However, when the Holy Spirit really gets a hold of you, you respond with an immense desire to emulate Christ, extending the same unmerited forgiveness to others, especially your spouse.

We must remember that Christ is both fully truth and fully love.  The truth is we need to walk in the way of the Lord.  The truth demands fidelity.  The love is forgiveness and a helping hand for when we fall.  Love also accepts boundaries.

There is no more tender and beautiful place to apply the gospel than in the bedroom because of the physical and emotional vulnerability of sexual intimacy.

I also recommend this:  Gospel-centered sex

Can you see now?  Sex’s primary job is NOT sin management.

Sexual intimacy’s primary job is to nurture a strong connection between husband and wife while reflecting God’s deep knowing and unmerited forgiveness.

David Guzick states, “In God’s heart, sex is put on a much higher level than merely the ‘husband’s privilege’ and the ‘wife’s duty.’

Sexual intimacy’s primary job is to take your marriage relationship to the next level, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

Deep connection nurtures the soul of your marriage so that you each can reflect the sacrificial love Christ has for his bride the church toward each other and the outside world.

Final Thoughts

Looking at sex as just a way to keep the deep cravings at bay is to look at the Pieta and just see a hunk of marble.  If you’ve reduced sexual intimacy down to merely sin management, you are stuck in the physical part of sex.  Look deeper.  It is so much more than that.

Sex is for both spouses, the high drive and the low drive.  We will discuss this in the upcoming posts as I explore the rest of the reader’s questions.  What responsibility does the husband have to manage his thought life and sexual compulsion?  What responsibility does the wife have to help him?