Fleur left this comment on 5 Questions to Create a Sexual Encounter Schedule;
“I am generally not a refuser and I would say my spouse and I generally have sex around three times a week. I wonder if you could clarify “my head kinda hurts or I’m tired” or “significant illness” as used in another post. If I don’t feel one hundred percent having sex does little for me when is at the expense of other physical needs. I am not exactly sure how telling someone they cannot refuse sex unless they have a significant illness is helpful. Sometimes when your head kinda hurts or you are tired means your body is trying to tell you something.”
Thanks for this tactful question. I’m happy to have the opportunity to clarify. I know all marriages and people are different. Fleur is referring to a section in 5 Questions to Create a Sexual Encounter Schedule where I urge low-libido wives who are considering the sexual encounter agreement to commit to following through with sexual intimacy even if they aren’t feeling their best.
This encouragement to push through minor physical discomforts came from a counselor. And truly, for me, it was a necessary exercise in self-reflection.
There were other activities I would engage in with a mild headache or mild cold….go to work, do laundry, vacuum, prepare a meal, cart the kids to swim club. I came to ask myself wasn’t meeting my husband’s emotional need of sexual fulfillment just as important, if not more, as those things? So, if it wasn’t harming me or taxing me in a way to impede my healing, I decided to engage.
You are right. If I am only feeling 95%, sex probably won’t do anything for me that day. So, on that day engaging isn’t for my benefit, it’s for his. That day may be ‘quickie’ day.
There are some days, he’s not feeling like a big ol’ conversation, but he does it anyway, just for me.
This advice (take it or leave it) is for a marriage having sex less than once a week. In your case, there will be another rendezvous very soon. Your husband has trust in you to meet him in the bedroom frequently.
In marriages having sex less than weekly, the higher drive spouse wonders when it’s going to occur. That’s why committing is so important, especially when an agreement is first created. He (or she) is learning to trust that you are going to follow through on what you are saying. We had been playing the ‘maybe it’s tonight’ game for so long, he couldn’t relax.
The foundation of this commitment is trust. I didn’t know it at the time, trust was something our marriage sorely needed. He didn’t trust that I truly loved him. I didn’t show him in a way he understood. And, there were areas where I didn’t trust him, consciously and subconsciously.
The only Biblical mandate I was working from was, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” Luke 6:31. We are an Ephesians 5:21 marriage. Don’t forget that in the background of this agreement, my husband was already working hard to meet my needs.
Returning to the original question, I’m not saying a wife’s health should suffer to meet a husband’s sexual needs. Not at all!
I am strongly urging low sex drive wives who are in a low sex frequency marriage to seriously consider whether their physical ailment is truly impeding them or they are using it as an excuse. I had been using it as an excuse.
(Disclaimer: I realize not all high drive spouses are husbands.)
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