A dream changed my life.
I had been invited to go to the circus.
Upon arrival, there was a long line to get into the colorful Big Top. The entertainers were milling through the crowd, giving teaser performances. The strong man was present. He was steroid-huge and had a clean-shaven head. People were laughing and happy. Daddy’s carried kids on their shoulders. Cotton Candy was dissolving in mouths. It was fun!
I stood in line and the closer we got to the Big Top, the more unsettled I became. Horrible sounds were emanating from the tent. The performers still milled about, pleasantly interacting. The crowd, however, became more tense. People were being pushed and shoved inside the tent. Screams, moans, and shouts of misery from inside grew louder.
That clenched it. I was leaving. This wasn’t fun anymore. It was very scary.
I started to leave my place in line but was stopped by the strong man. He was intimidating.
“Where are you going?” He asked as he blocked my path.
“I’m leaving.” I tried to step my way around him.
“You can’t leave. You’ve been invited.” He did not touch me, but he used his body to block me again.
“No, I am leaving. I am not staying here!” My resolve firmed up. He was scary, but from someplace inside me courage was growing.
“You’ve been invited! You cannot leave. Who said you could leave?” He was emphatic, in my face and on the verge of rage.
“By the power of Jesus Christ, I am leaving this place.”
Immediately, everything was gone. The strong man vanished. There was a clean white space where the screaming Big Top had been. All the anxiety and fear was replaced with peace.
I woke up with goosebumps. That dream was like no other before or since. I remember it as vividly as if it just happened. I remember the growing paralyzing fear as I neared the Big Top. And I remember the peace and feeling of protection that came when calling on Christ’s name. I knew this dream was other worldly.
It was a powerful experience.
Oh, sure, I could look up the scientific realities of what dreams are. But, I truly believe I was given a glimpse of spiritual warfare. Sin looks all pretty at first. It’s fun. But, the longer you stand in line, the farther you walk from peace and closer you walk to the screams of hell. Until you grow bold and call on Jesus’ name, truly believing.
There is no other name that dispels darkness. His name was my freedom.
Many of us deal with troubles in our marriages. New problems strike, old issues resurface like a bobbing iceberg. I like to talk psychology and neuroscience in calming these storms. However, sometimes, it boils down to the most basic of battles; good versus evil.
Spiritual darkness in the form of pornography has come to the forefront, again. It’s not been a secret that my husband struggles in this area.
Sexual pollution is Satan’s stronghold. Satan is not going to win. My husband is a good man! My husband has a far greater power that lives within him.
I swing from whimpering Jesus’ name to screaming out to Him.
I am cycling through:
Compassion for my husband’s struggle.
Fury – obviously my marriage bed has been invaded.
Numbness – moments that aren’t really an escape, more non-functional where my brain forgets to work.
Devastation – like I’m bleeding from an artery.
Exhaustion – do we have to deal with this again?
Conviction – yes! we are going to deal with this and overcome.
Instability – I don’t have the strength to do this.
back to Compassion
As I process, my resolve is building.
At the advice of godly people at The Marriage Bed forum, I am reading, “Boundaries,” by Cloud & Townsend and “Surfing For God,” by Michael Cusick. I also am studying a secular scientific site called, “Your Brain on Porn.” Years ago, during our transformation into Phase 2 of marriage, we worked through, “Sex, God and Man,” by Dr. Douglass Weiss and some other workbooks. I’ll be revisiting them.
I am reading through the book of Psalms because my husband is truly a David. He has long been a man after God’s own heart. He shares so many characteristics of the Biblical passionate, David. In reading David’s words in Psalms, I am comforted and convicted. I am praying them, too.
The ChristianPost states 50% of Christian men are addicted to internet pornography, not just casual viewers. That means 1 out of 2 men in your church, in your leadership, is addicted to pornography.
With the very high rate of internet porn use, our household is not alone in this battle. I pray over ALL marriages struggling. Completely overcoming is the only way we can all attain the true and pure intimacy (emotional, spiritual and physical) God designed for our marriages.
I am already asking God to show my areas of sin that may be hidden so that I can work on overcoming them. The only way we are going to win is both of us humbling and healing.
There are no words of wisdom today. I just need you to know that once I’ve worked through this dark place with Jesus’ help, Jesus and I are waging war.
I humbly ask for your prayers of protection. Please also pray this verse over us:
“We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all – all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give! Take the mercy, accept the help,” Hebrews 4:15&16 (the message).
For hurting wives who have discovered their husband’s pornography addiction: Finding Courage to Face the Pain