When “I Love My High Drive Sisters,” published there was positive reaction from my high drive readers. Why would a low-libido blog have high drive readers? High drive wives have a tough time finding their virtual community, so they land here in desperation because I deal with libido. Although, my focus is the lower end of the spectrum, I do not want to marginalize our high drive sister’s struggle.
I’ve asked a willing high drive friend to write to you all. Anne Atwell’s voice is here to encourage my high drive readers, and to allow low-libido wives direct insight. I think it’s very important that the sisterhood of Christian women support each other. We do that by understanding we are all different and yet we are all the same.
Anne Atwell joins us again, today. She’s a high sex-drive wife who has agreed to share insight with other ladies who may quietly struggle with being the higher drive spouse. To read Anne’s first installment, see: “I’m Not Supposed To Love Sex, Right?”
Let’s read what Anne has to say.
I, like many of you, want change. It’s not an easy path but you already know that. You’ve put yourself out there, you’ve been rejected – some of you for a very long time. I hope that you’ve seen some love added to your heart through prayer. If you felt a flicker of love and it’s been snuffed out, keep at it. It’s a process, baby steps.
Here’s suggestion Two: Gain Perspective.
This suggestion is broken up into three parts. The first is relatively easy.
Write out everything that you remember about your sexuality and marriage.
-When your interest in sexual things began.
-What messages you were learning about sex, marriage, and men.
-Was your sexuality welcome?
-How you felt about your sexuality growing up and if you being a sexual person was welcome among friends, family, and your church.
-What hopes and wants you went in to your marriage with and what occurred throughout. The bad AND good.
-What is going on right now in your marriage? Is your sexuality welcome? What do you want from your spouse? What’s the condition of your heart towards your spouse?
It might take a while to write it all out but it’ll be worth it. When I did this, I realized and was able to work through things that were holding me back with my husband. There were things I was “taking out” on him that had nothing to do with him. I saw how much the Lord cares and has worked in my life. I can also appreciate the ways my husband has shown me, in his way, that he loves me.
Now this next segment is more difficult. If you’re not ready for it, I understand. I don’t want to face it sometimes, too.
Our sexuality is vastly important and it’s not the most important thing in our lives or even our marriages.
Now bear with me, I have been in your shoes and know how much it hurts to be rejected and not pursued. You just want to have the joyous sex you’ve read about and God intended already! I understand how others don’t seem to understand. I’m not telling you to be pessimistic. We know we were designed to have sex and we’ve been blessed (that’s right, blessed) with high libidos. We know the verse about husbands and wives not withholding sex.
Here we must take the mature path and realize sex isn’t everything while embracing how wonderful it is, understanding in a graceful way how it affects us, grieving for what we do not have in our marriage, continuing to be sex positive women for Jesus, and continuing to be as it says in Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge, “Valiant, Vulnerable, and Scandalous.”
The author talks specifically of Tamar, a sexually wronged woman in the bible. I can’t suggest this book enough. (Warning: Do not try to force your husband, or any other man, to read it. It’ll be seen as you thinking he’s not “man enough.”)
As a military wife, there are long periods of time my husband isn’t around. With a warrior for a husband, I’ve had to think seriously about what I would do if during a deployment he is involved in an explosion or is shot. What will our life look like? What would our marriage be like?
Of course I would stick with him and make the best of our lives but having to face these very real questions helped me see that I couldn’t make sex the end all in our marriage. There are going to be times when our husbands aren’t going to be physically with us or able due to business, illness, retreats, etc.
The third segment is: Work on Discipline.
What I mean by discipline, like the scriptures tell us, is not to let anything control you (except the Lord). Sexual urges can be strong and the reason they happen doesn’t always make sense. Thank God for your libido and then ask for help in not letting your sexual feelings control the rest of your day or your whole mood.
Don’t try to suppress your drive here. Just ask the Lord for direction and if it’s too much, your husband is unavailable for a long time and he is alright with it, consider taking care of things solo. I know this can be a controversial topic, I suggest taking a look at this link on a Christ centered look at masturbation. If it’s not something you want to consider, I understand.
As Bonny says, ‘it shouldn’t steal sexual energy from your marriage.’ Also, you shouldn’t be thinking of anyone else besides your husband here.
I know masturbation is not really what we want, we didn’t get married to be alone in our sexuality. It can be vastly depressing.
First and foremost, try for an intimate time with your husband. Try to be understanding and gracious if he declines (not easy to do when the feelings are raging.) Resolve to have a chat with him when you’re calmer. Remember, you aren’t alone. I go through this, others here go through this.
The Enemy wants you to feel like you’re alone and that your desires are somehow wrong. You’re NOT! The bible says it’s alright to be angry but not to sin in your anger. A great book on relationships and understanding where your responsibility to others and others responsibilities to you begin and end is, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. There is a chapter on Boundaries in Marriage that might be especially helpful.
Finally: Thank God for your libido.
He gave you the libido you have, don’t call unclean what God has called clean. Sex is a beautiful thing that the Lord is fully pleased with. Being a highly sexual woman is NOT evil. For some reason the only highly sexual women on tv seem to be the women trying to steal another woman’s man or something like a dominatrix. That is not true.
Every time you feel rejected or unattractive because of your high drive, stop and thank the Lord for it. Connecting with the Lord who values you and your sexuality will change your view of yourself and sexuality.
Ask for His help accepting your libido (if you are frustrated with it) then work to understand it. Read about sex, read Song of Solomon, read Wild at Heart to really understand your man and especially read the section: A Beauty to Rescue. Cry when you need to and understand you are beautiful no matter your libido. Yes, even on days your libido seems to be ridiculously high and you can’t do anything without thinking of sexual things or becoming aroused and your husband is literally or figuratively MIA.
When your sexuality feels out of control, thank the Lord for your libido. And ask Him for help with it.
Another book suggestion is, How to Pray, by RA Tory. I feel like “I’ve been a Christian forever, of course I know how to pray!” this book will take you to the next level of understanding just how important prayer is to absolutely everything in your life. It’s a small book and a wonderful read.
Next time I’ll be talking about: Being Pursued and Being the Ardent Lover.
Mrs. Atwell is a high drive wife living all over with her military husband and two little explorers. Her favorite hobby is reading. If you would like to connect with Anne, she can be reached at Anne5@mail.com.
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