There’s this marriage. One spouse is dying to get horizontal and the other is running to stay vertical. They both know that sex is a problem, yet have never had a sane discussion about it. Here’s the first step to turn a near sexless marriage into a marriage having satisfying sexual and emotional intimacy.
Why would a low-libido wife want to start the conversation about sex? Because you want to enjoy all the spiritual, emotional, and physical benefits that sexual intimacy provides marriage, don’t you? Just because you don’t desire something doesn’t mean it isn’t good for you. Think about your least favorite vegetable. It’s still good for you to eat it.
I used to hate cranberry juice and now I love it. Just because you don’t like something now doesn’t mean your preference can’t change.
An honest conversation about sexual intimacy with your husband can be the first step toward a new more loving phase of your marriage. It will confirm to him you take his need seriously and you can help him see how to take your needs seriously.
Before you start the conversation:
Pray for God to reveal to you his mysteries of sexual intimacy and give you insight into your husband’s heart.
I believe the low-libido spouse has a high need for emotional connection. It is the emotional connection that spills over to create an emotional and spiritual libido while our physical libido is lacking.
What makes you feel connected to your husband? A long walk just the two of you, a conversation about how he feels about things, dinner out together, more help with home maintenance, being more present in parenting?
Look inside your heart and realize that his sexual needs are what helps him feel connected to you. Even though the way he asks to be intimate with you comes across as crass. Look inside your heart and find compassion.
Because most guys don’t pick up on subtle clues, compassionate bluntness is the attitude necessary to have a successful sexual conversation. What if he doesn’t deserve your compassion?
“For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy;
mercy triumphs over judgment,” James 2:13.
How to start the conversation.
Pray for God to give you courage and lead you to the moment to open your mouth.
Say something like,
“I want to talk about our sexual intimacy. Can we look at our calendar and pick a good time?” Also tell him, “This will be a positive conversation, I want your honest but not hurtful input. I know neither one of us is happy about our constant conflict over sex. We both want a working marriage that is not full of pain. Let’s figure this out together.”
You are telling him you both are on the same team.
Don’t do it in the bedroom.
The best location for a sex-chat is while taking a walk, going for a drive, or having a cup of coffee. Men bond shoulder to shoulder, doing activities together. Sitting face to face having an intense emotional conversation is very uncomfortable for our guys, that’s why sitting side by side may be beneficial for this conversation. Be aware that men usually do not feel better immediately after a difficult conversation like women do. It’s not because men are not willing to work on their marriage, it’s that the way women process and bond and the way men process and bond are polar opposite.
(Granted, there are all different types of men and women. There are exceptions to every rule.)
Pick a relaxed time where you have a totally cleared schedule. You don’t want to have to call it quits while you are making progress.
Tomorrow we will talk about actually having the conversation.
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