Yesterday, we discussed how to approach a conversation about sexual intimacy. Why have this conversation if you are a low sex-drive spouse? As much as we low-libido’s like to deny it, sex really is part of a thriving marriage.
If you keep avoiding sex, the problem is never going to be solved. You will continue to live in a marriage that is only half alive.
Here are some practical tools to use.
During the conversation
It’s important to keep the dialogue calm, compassionate, gentle, yet blunt. Mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.
For the high drive spouse, sexual intimacy is deeply tied to emotional identity and emotional intimacy. Negative tones about sex with them can cut them deeper than you know. Spoken words can cut worse than a samarai sword and can’t be taken back. Words that hurt can stick in your heart forever, even after forgiveness. Nomatter what your spouse’s response, stay in the compassionate place.
Focus on the future. Do not dredge up arguments and failure from the past. The porn conversation should be kept for another time.
Now, turn the conversation toward answering who, what, why, and how.
Who can married people have sex with? God’s design states only a husband and wife are to engage in sexual intimacy. A man and a woman cleave unto one flesh. Jesus didn’t say a man and his wives (Matt. 19:6).
Why are you having this conversation with your husband? You might say something like,
“Because I know we are both unhappy. We are limping along and not able to fully serve the Lord because we only have the energy for maintainance. We need to find a way to flourish and I think resolving this issue we have about sex will help.”
What helps you and your husband feel connected, loved, and wanted are different. You might say something like,
“What I’m beginning to understand is that sexual intimacy is an emotional experience for you. I don’t see sex that way, but I am going to learn to understand sexual intimacy more. I want to feel connected with you. Because when I feel connected to you, I see sexual intimacy as a good thing. But, when I don’t feel connected to you, I see sexual intimacy as bad thing.
I need to spend a lot more time with you during the week. I’d specifically like to spend more time with you doing ___________________.” (Fill in the blank with whatever helps you feel loved and connected. This is what you were supposed to figure out from yesterday’s post.)
Spending time together is a hard one to sell to some men. I think it threatens their idea of male independence. But, this isn’t meant to be a time of smothering. It’s meant to be a time of connection. To keep a pot boiling, it takes a constant heat source. A pot loses its boiling point when the heat is removed. Those hours of time spent with your spouse are the heat that keeps the marriage steamy. It’s not always an easy assignment to complete. But, nothing worth doing is easy.
On a basic level, we connect to the one we spend the most time with. If you think back to your dating days, how much time did you spend together? It was the large amount of time that you spent together giving each other undivided attention that helped you fall in love.
How are we going to have sexual intimacy? This is where you get down to the nitty gritty. Take a deep breath and jump into the deep end. I realize it’s not comfortable for many to talk about sex out loud, all matter of fact. But, that’s what this needs to be.
Will sexual encounters be the natural culmination of a romantic evening? Or will sexual encounters be scheduled? Or will sexual encounters be a little bit of both?
How hard do you want to work for orgasms? Men like their wives to experience the ultimate satisfaction. But, sometimes it’s just too much work. Decide how many encounters will include your culmination. Usually, ‘quickies’ are for him, but ‘longies’ are for both of you. He may even want to have a session that is just for you. Decide what’s right for you.
As a couple, you will need decide what is off limits. The Bible clearly states that adding a third party to the marriage bed is a sin. I consider pornography to be both a third party and lust of adultery (Matt. 5:28). But, other than that a husband and wife should employ Ephesians 5:21 and submit to each other out of reverence for Christ in deciding their libido boundaries.
As you become more comfortable with all that goes along with sexual intimacy, it’s likely your preferences will change.
‘How often will we make love?’ is probably to be the biggest question in your high drive spouse’s mind. I address, ‘How often?’ here.
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