In my last post, How to Arouse Sexual Desire Through Emotional Connection, I explained how my sexual interest is driven by the emotional connection Dave and I have. If you are a low-libido wife, I want to help you understand this concept. I’m also asking husbands to read along with this series of posts which I’m calling, “The Sexual Interest Masterclass.”
Disgruntled spouses frequently say, “I love him. I’m just not in love with him.” We all know what that means. You don’t wish him harm, but if he accidentally fell off the face of the earth, oh well.
Dave and I are living proof that you can figure out how to be in love with your spouse, again. However, I won’t lie, it takes work, effort, expenditure from both of you. Some have argued with me that being in love isn’t necessary for a covenantal marriage. It may not be necessary, but I say if you can figure out how to be in love again, why not? Are naysayers avoiding their demons or not willing to do the work necessary?
The work of thinking before you speak. The work of inhibiting knee jerk reactions until you know all the facts (i.e. being full of grace and kindness). The work of seeing your spouse as a unique individual with different preferences and yet seeing the two of you as halves of a whole and acting accordingly.
“I don’t need no stinkin’ counseling.”
The majority of spouses seeking marriage counseling are wives who can’t get their husbands to step foot into the office. Dr. Harley’s work is geared toward those husbands. He clearly states on page 19 of, “His Needs, Her Needs,” that one of the most misunderstood aspects of his program is that he writes by using averages even though he understands all people are unique. Since 75-80% of marriages have a higher drive husband, he’s written his book in language that will communicate best to that marriage even though he understands some wives may be the higher drive spouse.
The reason I mention this is because I’ve recently heard some negative comments about Dr. Harley’s program. Of course, every marriage is unique and will respond better to some lessons than others. Every marriage has partners who have different backgrounds and experiences. These histories shade how you will respond. However, if you can lay aside your preconceived notions, I think there is much wisdom in Dr. Harley’s material that I am going to walk you through.
Where does your marriage live?
Every marriage is in one of these three states of relationship.
Intimacy – you are deeply connected with your spouse and basically happy.
“My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge,” Colossians 2:2.
Conflict – you argue a lot with your spouse and are basically unhappy.
“Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs,” Proverbs 10:12.
“A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel,” Proverbs 15:18.
Withdrawal – you no longer argue with your spouse because you are basically indifferent. The pain of conflict was never resolved and to protect yourself you have emotionally withdrawn. This is a very dangerous state because it sets you up for temptation.
The goal is for every marriage to be in a state of intimacy; spiritual, emotional, and physical.
“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh [selfish behavior]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor [spouse] as yourself.’
If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other,” Galatians 5:13-15.
My goal through this series is to help your marriage move toward intimacy.
Where is your marriage currently living? Where would you like your marriage to live?
- Please view the video on this page about Dr. Harley and read these 10 Basic Concepts about marriage.
- To have a more effective experience through the Sexual Interest Masterclass, I suggest you purchase these three books together: His Needs, Her Needs, Five Steps to Romantic Love (a workbook), Love Busters