All wives are unique and wonderful, but some have not yet achieved orgasm or have a very difficult time with arousal. Here is my advice for husbands of beautiful nearly-there women.
After yesterday’s post, I know y’all are waiting for me to unveil the secret to end all secrets. The one technique that will leave her a quivering heap. It ain’t like that. The path to a wife’s orgasm is through her cranium not her clitoris.
I’ve seen some interesting theories on how to bring a woman to ecstacy. But, if an idea doesn’t involve her heart, there’s no way a shy orgasm is going to be coaxed on stage. Anorgasmic women do not function well feeling emotional pressure or time pressure or physically coerced.
Change the focus from orgasm to playfulness. And find a time to play when there is little on the schedule (good luck with that, right?)
If women do orgasm, it’ll be through the 80/10/10 rule.
It’s 80% connection with you outside of the bedroom.
Cultivate your spiritual intimacy. Pray together. Pray for her. Make it a priority to go to church each week. Read the Bible together. Let her see you loving her as Jesus.
She’s afraid she doesn’t measure up. When she understands that you accept her with all her flaws, and in spite of the flaws, you think she is completely and utterly amazing, she will be released from her own fears. Then, she will be able to relax and start to see things from another perspective, yours.
This total acceptance will also help her heal if she has bad sexual experiences in her past that she is still trying to work through. (If sexual pollution is a major part of her anorgasmia, I highly suggest finding a therapist.)
Cultivate your emotional intimacy.
I have talked and talked to my readers (low libido wives) about doing things that are counter-intuitive. Sexual intimacy doesn’t make sense, Lord!
I’d like to suggest there are counter-intuitive actions necessary from husbands, as well. Here is an article that spells out what it means to connect emotionally.
Sometimes, there are things a husband or wife does that kills the spirit and keeps even the best attempt at emotional connection from working. Here is an article that helps you understand how you may be sabotaging your best effort at emotionally connecting with your wife.
What can bring about orgasm is the same thing that can bring about more frequent sexual encounters, atmosphere of love and complete acceptance.
“So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love,” 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 (the message).
Practical Ways to Show Love Daily
Speak with a nice tone of voice to her, always.
Make eye contact.
Never belittle, insult, or talk down to in public or private.
Wink at her in public.
Flirt, sweetly, not too much sexual innuendo until the atmosphere is warmer.
Ask her questions about what she thought, did, see, hear, etc…
Tell her she is beautiful daily.
Ask if she has one thing special you could help her with over the weekend.
Read the Love Language book together.
Look her in the eye and give her your undivided attention for at least 20 minutes a day, more if possible.
On your off hours, do more stuff with her than you do with anyone else.
If you travel for business, she must have your devotion on non-business-travel days.
Pray for God to reveal ways that will be especially meaningful to your wife.
10% is her body’s physical sensitivity.
OK, let’s say emotional and spiritual intimacy are not a problem. You have lots of non-sexual affection in your marriage. She is receptive to lovemaking sessions, but still hasn’t reach the big O.
Touch is very very important. It gets her nerves firing. Even before the clothing is off, you can linger over some highly sensitive places during the day with soft kisses or a gentle brush. Skin is thin in the following places and easier to stimulate.
The back of the neck
The ears (whisper sweet things in her ear through the day)
The back of the knees
The small of the back at the tailbone
Inside the elbow
Once clothes are off, pay special attention to the feet and the entire length of the spine, from the nape of the neck to the dimple above the booty crease. Large nerves travel closer to the skin along the spine. Kiss, lick, stroke, massage with lotion or oil.
Don’t forget the spot between the breasts.
Also, the navel is immensely erogenous. During fetal development, the navel and the genitals were formed from the same tissue. (See The Origin of Orgasm Tissue.) The genital-navel connection can still exist in some people. Loving on the navel can send a tickle straight down.
The ‘invisible touch’ can stand her hairs on end and is very non-threatening. With a flat hand, pass over your wife’s skin just a fraction of an inch above it. It’s tantalizing and builds tension.
Tension leads to arousal. Arousal is the key to finding orgasm. Send her nerves firing by looking in her eyes with adoration and telling her the she’s God’s blessing to you.
10% lovemaking technique.
Orgasm is only going to occur when she is highly aroused and her brain has turned OFF. High arousal will help her forget what’s in the hallway on the other side of the bedroom door. She will focus on the conclusion.
Be a student of your wife outside of the bedroom. Does she love a pedicure? Then send her with a gift certificate to get one and then concentrate on her feet in the bedroom that night. Be creative. Play her favorite music. Create a playlist of sensual music that transitions into more rhythmic music. Wear the fragrance she likes on you. Wear a bowtie. Creating the setting for your playground is considered a lovemaking technique.
Talk about her sensations (good and bad) while outside of the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to think outside of the box (a box that you both agree upon) in experimenting with sensations. Maybe it seems like a certain action should be slow, but fast will be more effective. Remember counter-intuitive?
Don’t go for ‘the goods’ immediately, come in for a landing very slowly. Approach her breasts and nipples after she is adequately warm. Build even more tension by not approaching her female bits until she is very steamy. Remember lubrication and gazing into her beautiful eyes. (If she refuses lights to make it possible to see her, ask if she will allow a small tealight candle so you can see her eyes.)
Don’t forget to tell her how beautiful she is while you are making love.
Your confidence helps her relax and arouse. Have confidence in the love you have for her. Have confidence God created sexual intimacy and really wants you to keep practicing. Remember Keep Knocking, Keep Seeking, Keep building tension.
Warm her up with truth! She is the only girl you ever want to be with. It’s not the act that is so important, as who you are doing the act with. Again, this goes back to her fear of inadequacy. And if you watch porn, stop it! Because that feeds into her fear of inadequacy and hurts you and your marriage in so many ways.
Remember, emotional, spiritual and physical arousal is the key to finding orgasm.
Arousal is conceived and nurtured when connecting with your spouse spiritually and emotionally. Arousal grows in intensity with flirting and touch.
Everything in life vanishes when the ache of arousal is intense enough. That’s the point where you have to bring her to help her achieve orgasm.
In your pursuit of her arousal, these posts will help you identify sweet spots for orgasm.
A Window Into O’s, the series:
Prayer: A Window Into O’s
The Plumbing of O’s: The Origin of Orgasm Tissue
The Plumbing of O’s: Labia Love
The Plumbing of O’s: The Vaginal Vestibule
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: The Exquisite Clitoris and Company
The “O” Zones: The Delightful Urethral Sponge
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: Deep Spots
O Explore: understanding your bodies arousal
The Effort of Ecstasy
O Potential: How the Husband Can Help
Nurturing Your Gardenia: Helpful Hints on Reaching O’s
Also, search The Marriage Bed Forums for specific instructions on lovemaking actions (Oral sex, positions, toys, etc.).