If you’ve read and How to Arouse Sexual Interest Through Emotional Connection and I’m Just Not In-Love With Him, you know that building an emotional connection between husband and wife is crucial for the spouse with low sex drive!

In some marriages, retaining the emotional connection or closeness of newlywed days is easy.  In other marriages, it is a mystery.  You want to be close, you just can’t figure out how to make it work.

If you are in the “other” category, there is much hope!  I know, because Dave and I are “others.”  We figured it out by following what I’m about to tell you.

It’s absolutely true that building an emotional connection leads to satisfaction for both spouses and it honors God.  Close marriages are usually happy and holy marriages.

Basically, creating an emotional connection is creating a friendship simmered in romance.  What does that remind you of?  Your dating days!  It’s not that hard to do what I’m about to suggest, but it takes making commitments and sticking to them.

Here are some simple steps to follow to start building your emotional connection.

Decide to Make Time

Your very full life looks like a bulging suitcase that you can’t zip.  It seems there is no room for anything else.  May I suggest that if you don’t find space for your marriage, everything in your suitcase of life will suffer?

What did you do when you were dating?  You were motivated to create space in your life for time together.  It’s time to get motivated, again to make time.  Here is a post about where our time goes and how much time is needed to get steamy again.

Create Time

When we decided to make time and followed these steps, it worked.  We sat down every Sunday afternoon and compared our calendars for the week.  We marked in our calendars when we would spend time together.  It sounds stilted and felt a little weird at first, but it worked!

Now, we weren’t really happy with each other when we started to do this stuff.  So, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses at first.  It took intention.  Repairing any kind of damage takes a mature decision to lay aside some of your hurt feelings for the good of the whole.

Guidelines to Make Time Count

1. When you were dating, you gazed in each other’s eyes and gave each other your utmost attention. Do that!It is only the two of you.  The kids are asleep or the two of you are out of the house.  If it is after you put the kids to bed, turn off all connectivity.  Cell phones, tv, and laptop are all turned off.
2. When you were dating, you laughed, flirted, and touched in non-sexual ways. Do that!Find your light heart.  When you’ve had a marriage full of tension, being light hearted is a welcome change. Touch without meaning for it to lead anywhere.
3. When you were dating, you were getting to know each other by talking. Do that!You treat each other with respect, ask a lot of questions, and avoid conflict.  This is not the time to hash out problems.  This is a time to invest in the good things.  If you have problems to hash out, you set a specific appointment for that outside of this building time.During your time together talking, you could incorporate Bible study or prayer.  Here are some other ideas for getting the conversations started from The Generous Wife.

4. When you were dating, you accepted their opinions and ideas without judgement. Do that!After we become parents, we start to parent each other.  Your spouse doesn’t need you to tell them how they should feel or think or act.  Their way of seeing things is OK, even if it is different from you.  Accept each other without trying to persuade or judge.
5. When you were dating, you did fun stuff together. Do that!I’m not talking about sex, here.  I’m talking about activities that you both have some interest in.  With any given activity, one of you may have more enjoyment in it, but neither of you hate it.  See:  Cherish through Recreation or Fishing in Alaska.

How Much Time?

When you are trying to get your relationship back on track, optimally 15 hours a week together is needed.  This is the goal.  Work toward it.

Take some things out of your bulging suitcase to make room for this important necessity for your marriage.  I cleared my plate of several church obligations to meet this goal.  For that season of my life, rebuilding my marriage was more God-honoring than any other thing I could do.

What do you need to clear off your plate for a season of marriage re-building?

Give it Some Time!

Developing new habits takes time.  Becoming friends takes time.  Willingly do these things that may seem stilted and watch your marriage grow.

It won’t happen overnight.  However, with consistency you’ll be amazed at your progress by the end of two months!

Remember, everything outside the bedroom touches what goes on inside the bedroom.  It’s a cycle that involves emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy.  You can’t neglect any of these three things when working toward sexual interest.